It's Not Easy Seeing Green

I used to suffer with an affliction. I still do but on a smaller scale than before. This affliction is: never being content or satisfied with what we have. There's a game that we play with ourselves. We see something we want. A "high" develops. We begin processing a plan of how to get it. It becomes exciting. We carry out our plan. Many times we succeed. We have the thrill of success. We admire our new "thing". Then VERY quickly the high fades. We question our "item". Maybe we should have waited. Maybe we should have looked around more. Maybe we should have got the other one. The other one looks so much better to me now. The thrill we felt at the beginning is a LIE. It is a deception. It is a work of the enemy. How thrilling it must be for him to see us in a constant state of discontent and on the unhealthy ride of highs and lows that put the world's most insane roller coasters to shame. Satan has to love that. We always want what we don't have and are never satisfied with what we do have. What ingrates we are!

With the exception of my current vehicle, I have always had a HUGE high when it comes to buying a car. I see one, I research it, I compare it, I test drive it, I do all the things one can do, and then I decide to buy it. The first day is AWESOME. This is MINE. I love it. I breathe in the new car scent deeply into my lungs. Wow, isn't this awesome? I drive it around. I enjoy it's every feature. I drink in the toy that is MY NEW CAR!!! Then, that night, lying in bed I begin the process of discontentment. I begin to think, "I really wanted red.... Really I wanted an SUV not a sedan. I don't like this feature or that one. Or I think, mine doesn't have all the features that this car or that car has. I picked the wrong car. I don't want my car, I want that other one. What a FOOL I am!!!!"

It happens with cars, homes, clothes, shoes, etc. It is even more dangerous when we do this with the "deeper" things in our lives. Like people and churches, etc... I'll be honest, I've done it. Many of us have. I used to know this man, who SO wanted to fall in love. At least, he thought he did. He tore up the dating scene trying to find THE ONE. He'd meet a lady, enjoy her company, her looks, her personality etc.., he'd think she was IT, and then wake up the next day, with the high gone and a real live person "hooked", but he was no longer "hooked". He left a trail of broken and hurt women in his path because he wanted what he couldn't have and never what he did have. As soon as it became "his" in any way, as soon as the "chase" was over, he'd begin to despise what he had. It was all about the chase. He didn't want a woman in his life...he wanted the HIGH of chasing them. He was like an addict searching for the next high, it was all he could think about, it overcame his mind. He would never sit back and be satisfied and full. He succumbed daily to Satan's lies: "Wait, that's not the BEST of the BEST, you settled, you are a fool, man. There is one hotter, one younger, one that is PERFECT, toss this one aside and start the chase again, my friend." This man has fallen for those lies for decades. Sadly, my bet is that this man will never be content and will live a lonely life and die alone, because he continues to listen to the enemy and jumps up to dance with him every chance he gets. It makes me sad and a bit nauseous at the same time. What is wrong with us?

Aren't we all like that, especially in this country? We are so spoiled, so selfish, and so discontented with what God places in our lives. We receive blessings, then pick them apart, and decide that they are not quite up to our standard. Even though we may have prayed for them and God blessed us with them they become "not good enough". I've done that. The enemy must fall over laughing every time that I do that. He must love that I taint my blessings that way and that I become unthankful and displeased and even begin to despise what my God gave to me. It's sickening! I've done it with cars, houses, jobs, relationships, churches. From the most insignificant gift to the the grandest. I've mocked them all. I've been like the selfish little brat at Christmas that wonders "is that all?" or says, "but I didn't get this...or that..." How ungrateful is that?!?

How disgustingly ungrateful we must all look to our Father. How sad we must make Him. We pray. He blesses. We throw it back at Him and say THAT isn't good enough for me...try again buddy! How His heart must hurt and break in our selfishness, discontented state. Do we continue to do the church hop, the small group hop, the relationship hop, the job hop, etc...? Do we keep sitting back in selfishness and pick apart the blessings God has placed before us or do we STOP?!?!? Do we put our foot down and say, "God, I AM SO SORRY! PLEASE FORGIVE ME. You placed such precious and wonderful things at my table and I am thankful for them ALL. I wish to honor You by cherishing all that is in my life: my home, my job, my family, my children, my spouse, my friend, my church, my small group, my car, my clothes, my body, my LIFE." How much sweeter would life be if we just said "thank you" to Him and put in the work it takes to enjoy the things He has placed at our table? I say WORK because it is work, when we constantly have to fight off the devil lying to us saying we deserve better and/or more. If we all got what we deserve, we'd all be dead and tormented in the fires of hell. Get off of your self-made pedestal and begin being gracious and thankful for all that is in your life, instead of disappointed about all that is not. God has made your cup overflow and you should be thankful and satisfied with His provisions.

Let's stop playing the role of Eve and listening to lies. You know what that got her?!?!? Learn a lesson from someone else FOR ONCE. Let's not follow her lead. Let's be thankful that we have what we have, and that we are blessed with so much MORE than greedy and selfish people like us will ever deserve. The next time you look at something in your life and think that it's not good enough...recall that no matter what that thing is, it is FAR better than what you deserve! You deserve hell's fury and fire. Cry out to God with a thankful and joyful heart that He has made your cup over flow! Contentment is not a feeling! It isn't. It is like love. It is a CHOICE. It is a decision. It is a beautiful realization that you have what God GAVE to you and it is MORE than enough. Fall to your knees and pour out your heart in thanks and love and gratitude. Do the work. Make that choice. Decide to be content. Our grass is BLINDINGLY green, let's ask God to help us see it and to be thankful for it! It is so much more than you or I will ever deserve.

Do You Do It?

I have a friend who encouraged me to start journaling again. I used to journal a lot. I got out of the habit when Gracyn was born. She was my excuse, I suppose. I have recently started journaling again, I wish I had never stopped. It is therapeutic for me, in many ways. I learn so much about myself and my motives as I go through life and circumstances. I am able to release my struggles, my failures, and my successes in an external format. While, I do blog, I don't share everything in my blogs. I use general topics and circumstances so that other readers can possibly relate too.

I just finished doing some journaling just now, and it's amazing how much I have grown over the past few years. See, when I journal I also go back sometimes to see where my mind was in the past and what my focus was on and the progress I have made (or not, as the case may be). Over the past couple of years and especially months I have grown immensely. I've started the process of getting the focus off of ME. Of course having a child will teach you that really quickly. But I am learning to not just focus on her either. Reading past journal entries and reviewing where my life's focus has been, has trained me to be COGNISANT and AWARE of my focus and my motives in my life. That's a cool thing about journaling, if you choose to review them or recall past times in your life you can get a quick picture of what is/was taking up the biggest portion of your life, mind-space, and heart-space (thanks Erin).

I am getting better about taking the focus off of me. I am not great at it, but I am getting better. I have come A LONG WAY with giving my God the biggest portion of my heart and mind space. I SO long to please Him, to do His will in my life, to take His hand and let Him lead me...even places I am scared and unsure to go. One step at a time, I am learning to let go. It's scary and exhilarating all at once. I don't know where He'll lead me and that's scary. What if He leads me to some place or to someone that I wouldn't have chosen? Unsettling sometimes. But WHY??? Doesn't He know what I need most? Doesn't He have my best interest at heart? Didn't He create every part of me and give me my very breath? Why wouldn't I just take His hand and follow Him anywhere feeling 100% comfortable, safe, and secure? Well, I am learning everyday to do this. I am learning to look at life with new vision. I am learning to take off my shallow glasses, my earthly desires, and be open to situations that I am unsure of. My view is fallible, His is not. He brings circumstances and people into my life. They may be beautiful blessings and bring overly abundant joy into my life IF I choose to trust Him. It's not always so easy. I am just like everyone else. I have the capacity to be selfish, to be shallow, to think my preferred scenarios are what is best. I have to make concerted effort to let go of my perfect pictures and scenarios and trust I am where I am for a reason. I am here at this place, in the circumstances, with these people for a reason. I can either trust Him or buck Him. If I am living my life according to His word, (and I am trying my best everyday...) He will bless my life in ways I cannot yet imagine. But I must trust. And I am doing that better today than I EVER have in my life. And that brings incredible peace. I could worry about how I am going to provide for me and my child, or I can trust Him to guide me there. I can worry about having or not having a Godly relationship with a Christian man, or I can trust Him to guide our paths. I can worry about raising my child to follow the footsteps of Christ or I can trust God to provide me with the tools and heart to do so. I can worry about finding the right ministry to pursue or I can trust God to lead me where He needs me most. The results of trusting Him will bring true joy, true life, true peace. Worry will never bring any such things. He wants me to have life and have it to the FULLEST. That means--His way not mine. That takes immense trust.

These things are easier for me to SEE and PROCESS when I journal. I can see in black and white what I am struggling with. I can go back and review it. Journaling is thoughts, feelings, fears, failings and successes all captured in time on paper. With these writings I can review and adapt. I can get a better, more open, and honest picture of where I was and where I've come, that may get skewed if the only place it is stored is in my mind. If I recall a time in my life, mentally, I may skew it to be something different, than if I have black and white evidence to read. I can see, quite clearly, if I am trusting or worrying. If I am open to Him or only open to me. Journaling is an incredible tool that I encourage you to use as well. In it, you can draw nearer to God and you can see yourself in a true light, which in my life means GROWTH.

To my friend, who reintroduced me to journaling, I thank you with all of my heart. It makes a huge difference in my life and you do too.

He Can Move the Mountains

How big is God? Isn't it interesting how small we make Him? How incapable? Doesn't sound too good huh? But the truth of it is, we all limit God. We bind Him up by clinging to our sinful nature and our pasts. We doubt Him. We say that we give Him control over the things in our lives that we struggle with but then we rip it right back out of His hands. We want Him to make our future better than our pasts, but we don't really believe He will. Our disbelief in such things manifests itself in our words, actions, and thoughts.

For example: Let me tell you about someone who struggles with shrinking God and making Him smaller than her HUGE problems. (And no, for those of you who always wonder, and sometimes ask, it's not me and it's not you that I am writing about.) I'll call her Shannon. Shannon has a long string of broken relationships in her past. She has shacked-up with several men over the years. She's made commitments that she didn't honor. She's lied, cheated, manipulated, and hurt men she said she loved. She also allowed the same to be done to her repeatedly. She's never had a healthy relationship of any kind in her whole life, not even with her family. She wants one. She longs for love, acceptance, companionship, partnership, romance, honesty...she wants the real deal. She's prayed for it. She's changed her ways. She's tried the relationship-thing again a few times, but for one reason or another they've all bombed.

What do you think she's thinking today? Well, in this case she has decided that while God "might" bless her with a good relationship with a man, she knows that there will be significant issues and significant "lacking" areas because she's still a sinner (aren't we all), and because of her dysfunctional past and loathsome past behaviors. She says she's a new creation in Christ, but yet, because she is still not perfect in all that she does, she submits in defeat and gives up on having successful and beautiful relationship with a Godly man. How silly. She says her God is the God of the universe, with NOTHING He cannot do, NOTHING too "messed up" for Him to bless...but without actually saying it in these exact words she doesn't believe He will do that for HER. She puts limitations on what her future relationship will be. She fears that their sex life will be a struggle because of a rape, plus her mangled sexual past, and because of current internal struggles. She says that she is afraid that she'll fall into old routines, past behaviors, because you see, she is still a sinner. (Yeah, well, Shannon, who isn't?) Her concerns and fears go on and on. What's that about? Faith is faith. Belief in things yet unseen! For her, a Godly and blessed earthly relationship has yet to be seen. A prince has not rode up to her front door on his white stallion and whisked her away to his castle. It's as if, if it appears in her life in any other format, she's not going to believe it. It's like it has to be a fairy-tale for her to believe it is from God. That is the only way she sees God will handle all of those fears and issues. God being able to "handle" those issues she mentions is just not real for her, it is fairy-tale. She says she believes in a God who can handle everything...that He can move mountains...but what she's really saying is He can move mountains...just not hers.

That breaks my heart. Oh ye of little faith. I just want to say to people sometimes..."Stop saying you believe this or that if you don't really believe it!" HE IS GOD. HE CAN BLESS ANYTHING...EVEN SHANNON and her future relationship. He can turn a train wreck into a miraculous blessing. He can and will...ONLY if we give it over to Him and leave it with Him. Ripping it back out of His hands is not an option. We have to give it over to Him and let it go and allow Him to change us, our lives, our tendencies, and our future. Our junk and funk is not stronger or bigger than Him. Our mountains are not too heavy for Him to move. But He will not move them until we've given them to Him FULLY.

In what way are you limiting the God of the universe? In what ways do your words of faith not match up with what you really believe in the depths of your heart? Is it recovery from an addiction(s)? Is it healing a broken marriage? Is it financial? Is it an estranged friendship or family relationship? Don't you know--He CAN move mountains... even yours...WHATEVER they may be!! All you have to have is faith. Even faith as small as a mustard seed (and that is teeny tiny). Step away from the mountain, don't not let yourself keep reclaiming it...stand back IN FAITH and watch Him move it miles and miles away from you! He can...and will, but only if you let Him.

Hoping to get Zapped?

My friend Erin wrote in her blog about something that I think most people can relate to...I certainly could. The words she used rang true for several of us who read her blog. She was discussing the frustration with having feelings within the heart that aren't going anywhere, that drag us down, that are not providing any good within our lives. She so eloquently said that they are a waste of heart-space. It is like she had been snooping through my heart over the years. She knew the pain and struggle of having wasted heart-space, and the understandable agony of not knowing how to remedy the problem.

Boy, if I had the answer to that I'd be one of the most sought after human-beings in the world. That kind of struggle reminds me of a scene in a movie--Bruce Almighty. There is a scene in the movie where Jennifer Aniston is curled up in bed, crying, pain-filled tears streaming down her face, while she is praying, telling God she does not want to love this man anymore, asking--no, begging God to make her not love him anymore. OH...when I saw that movie for the first time---I could SO relate. I was there. I was that woman. I had spent countless hours in prayer, tears falling endlessly, begging God to remove my feelings. Banish them! They were hurtful and future-less feelings. Argggh. But He didn't ZAP those feelings from my heart. I struggled with those feelings for years.

Good news is...I am free from those feelings. Why? Well, for me, it took time, it took refocus, it took an intentional mental clean-up. It took prayer. It took self-control. It took looking at the reality of blatant futility. It took thinking more of others than myself. It took putting my focus on God other than on myself. It took moving God into the position of highest power and influence in my life and taking it away from a man who never wanted that power in my life, and certainly never deserved it. There comes a point when we have to resurface into the world of what IS and what CAN BE and stop living in the past or living in futility. God wants more, SO MUCH MORE, for our lives. He just wants us to LIFT UP OUR EYES and see beyond our so very limited "feelings" and see this whole new beautiful and unfathomable plan HE has for us. We've got to stop trying to live in the past, trying to live in an imaginary world that is never to be, and cheating ourselves out of the will of our God whose plan for us turns our "feelings" and our "plans" into dust in comparison to the splendor of what HE HAS PLANNED FOR US.

We have been blinded by the enemy. He wants to to be so focused on this or that, that we never lift up our eyes to see what God has waiting right there in front of us. Satan would love for each of us to get lost in our feelings and to waste up all of our precious "heart-space". It's so easy to listen to his lies, his whispers, his slyly comforting betrayal that we know better than God, that we know what is best for us, and what we most need. I warn you, that road leads to more pain, more anguish, more agony, and final defeat. I've been there! I've been there not so long ago. It takes work...hard work to claw your way out of the virtual grave you've buried yourself in. It does not happen overnight. It only happens with God at the lead, with you following HUMBLY behind, and with an army of friends and family in support of your entrance to the world of GOD'S blessings and GOD'S plan for you.

So I guess I do have the answer, but I doubt anyone will line up to get it from me. The answer isn't a ZAP from God, as much as we would all like for it to be. But there is an answer. There is hope. There is something so much better than we ever dreamed. It may end up nothing like what you would have had planned...but you better thank God for that!! What you had planned quite possibly could have been planted in your life by someone who comes to steal, kill, and destroy! Get out of your little box and your clean out your heart-space. Fill it up with Him and He will give you the desires of your heart. He said so Himself!

Taming the Tongue

For out of the overflow of the heart the mouth speaks. Matthew 12:34

That is really something we should all stop to ponder. We all say things that we shouldn't. We all let things come out of our lips that should have never even entered our minds. But the truth is, our words reveal SO much about the content of our hearts. If our mouths are spewing venom...our hearts are quite likely full of poison as well. Join me in begging our heavenly Father to clean our hearts so that all that comes forth from us, whether in word or in deed, brings glory to Him. Join me in begging forgiveness from Him and from others who have been the victims of our untamed tongues. Our words can cut to the bone, they can slash into the hearts of our brothers and sisters, and they can do damage we cannot even begin to fathom. Let's be ever mindful of what we think and say, whether in public or in secret, as they reveal our hearts.

For by your words you will be acquitted, and by your words you will be condemned. Matthew 12:37

Lyrics of a Short Song I Adore

Create in me a clean heart oh God

Let me be like you in all my ways

Give me your strength, teach me your song

Shelter me in the shadow of your wings

For we are your righteousness

If we die to ourselves and live through your death

Then we shall be born again to be blessed in your love!

-Terry Talbot-

What's In Your Heart?

What are you holding in your heart today? What are the things you choose to fill it with? (Key word: CHOOSE)

It is the day after Easter. The day after we celebrate the resurrection of the One who gave EVERYTHING for us. The One who overpowered death's grip. What a glorious day; a day without which we would have NO hope! Easter fills my heart with JOY, LOVE, HOPE, EXCITEMENT!

In stark contrast to that, my heart has also been filled with many others things. Things that are not nearly as rosy. Sadness. Frustration. Confusion. Disappointment. Even Anger. How could such things reside in the same place that JOY, HOPE, and LOVE do? I'll tell you why...for one thing, I am human...very human. Another reason is that the enemy and his minions never rest and never let up. Another reason...I CHOSE to place those things in my heart.

BUT...and that is a BIG OL' BUT...the great thing is...I AM INTROSPECTIVE. I am constantly evaluating what is in my heart and in my mind, on an ongoing basis. This is something that I have not always done, but have learned to do over the past couple of years. Giving yourself a completely honest, no holds barred look into your heart and soul, many times a day can be LIFE CHANGING. I look to see what is inside. Then I ask "WHY is that there, did I put it there, did I allow my enemy to place it there, or is it of God?" Then I ask myself , "Is it beneficial to my walk in Christ or is it counterproductive?" This process takes complete and utter honesty. Not always fun, but always worth it! Most of the time, it's really easy to find when I am harboring resentment, self-loathing, anger, envy, etc...AND to find its source. Once you recognize the "demons" in your head, it's much easier to deal with them and flush them out. But if you never take the time, the effort, and choose to endure the discomfort of doing this, you'll just deteriorate your heart and mind with the corrosion that comes from the enemy. And those things (your heart and your mind) my friend, belong to HIM, not you.

Take inventory daily. Flush out the negativity. Flush out the feelings (whoa whoa whoa feeeeelings...Ed Young reference, I couldn't resist) that are there because of the enemy's attempt to win your heart over tiny piece by tiny piece. Anger, hate, jealousy, envy, self-hatred, and the like are not of God. We all face them. We all are bombarded by such things. But man...we have got to be on the proactive side of this thing or Satan will get a foothold, and let me tell you he has a wicked grip, once you allow him to take hold.

Jesus did not come to this earth, to die a tortuous and excruciating death, defeat it, and rise up again, so that you would fill your heart...(which belongs to Him), with such blackened, rotting, pungent, sludge. He came to bring HOPE, LOVE, JOY, and LIFE!!!

Take a look, you are human, there will be some very undesirable things trying to take up residence in your heart. Don't look away. Don't "deal with it later". Don't play the avoidance game. Don't wallow in your unhappiness. Dig down deep and clean it out. Give Him the junk and funk. He'd LOVE to take it away from you. Let Him fill the remaining space with His gifts. JOY, LOVE, HOPE, GRACE, and LIFE!!! It's YOUR choice. What is in there, is there because it is what YOU choose.

Just As He Said...

"He is not here; he has risen, just as he said. Come and see the place where he lay. Then go quickly and tell his disciples: 'He has risen from the dead and is going ahead of you into Galilee. There you will see him.' Now I have told you." Matthew 28:6-7

"He has risen! He is not here. See the place where they laid him. But go, tell his disciples and Peter, 'He is going ahead of you into Galilee. There you will see him, just as he told you.'" Mark 16:6-7

Sharing The Light

This is difficult to discuss for some reason. It is easier to leave things unsaid. Covered up. Unexposed. But I am going to make myself open up and be vulnerable with you all....The truth of it is, I really have a hard time sharing my faith. Not to my family, not to my friends, but to the rest of the world. Sheepishly, I try to counter that by telling myself that being kind, trying to reflect Christ in my daily life is a way of sharing my faith, but is it really? Have I ever intentionally shared my faith with a stranger? No. Have I ever been purposeful in spreading the good news to the world? Not really. It is not that I hide it, but I don't make a concerted effort to share it either. Why??? I don't know exactly. What is my fear? I am afraid that I won't have all the answers and that will turn someone away. I am afraid that I will fumble my words. I am afraid that I won't have the impact that I believe the good news of Jesus Christ so richly deserves. I am afraid that there will be holes in my delivery. I am afraid someone will think I am weird, a Bible thumper, a radical. So many fears. I hate that. I have THE answer. I have THE key. I have what this dying world needs to truly LIVE. I have it and I am afraid to share it. HOW PITIFUL. I know that all will not hear it. I know that all will not accept it. I know that I may be persecuted. I know all of this, but I have the God of the Universe behind me, in my corner, ready, willing, and able to give me strength. But I focus in on my fears, my weaknesses, and my image. How selfish. How faithless. How NORMAL!

I could revel in my normalcy. I know MOST Christians struggle with the same things. Ahhh, the comfort of being among so many who understand. Oh, the sweet release of pressure of knowing that I am not alone. But what a travesty!!!! I do not want to be among the many. I do not want to be the standard, normal, complacent Christian. I want to be on fire. I want to be fearless. I want to give the world THE cure emphatically. I want to shout it from the mountain tops. I want to know that I have God working within me. I want to use His Holy Spirit to guide my words, to give me boldness, to fill me with strength that I never dreamed possible. I want to ooze the good news. I want anyone and everyone that meets me to be insistent to know what it is that I have, that they so desperately need. I want to never second guess myself to share it with them. I want to be a LIGHT, a beacon to the lost, a port for those drowning in the storms of this fallen world...and I am not.

I guess I wanted to share this with you all, to get it out there, to get it exposed. I pray that I intentionally change this. I pray that I enlist the God of the Universe to help me be bold, daily. I want to reach outside of my comfort zone when it comes to sharing my faith. I want to surround myself with those people who already do. I want to learn from them, to follow their lead and their example. I want to be bold. I have the CURE and I am more often than not, keeping it to myself. I don't want to do that a second longer. Pray for me. Pray for courage. Pray for change in my life. Pray for fearlessness because: If God be for me who can be against me!!!

Thanks for letting me expose my weakness and my fear.