Not-So-Random Piece of Paper

I wouldn’t call it “bitter” or “resentful”, but when Father’s Day rolls around a part of me aches. Fortunately, I have an exceptional dad. That’s not the source of my pain. It's my daughter’s lack of a dad. I know, I know; she has a wonderful PawPaw, Uncle Jeff, Mr. Ken, Mr. Buster, etc…the list goes on and on. But, this little girl does not have a dad. Not the way it is “supposed to be.”

Every year at church or at school they make something to take home to their dads. (Knife to the heart…) The first year this happened was the worst for me. I didn’t expect it to catch me off-guard the way it did. In her bag was a laminated construction paper football that said, “Thanks for always catching me, daddy!” Who was I supposed to give this to? What was I supposed to do with this horrible reminder of her situation? I knew she had no idea what it was about really; she was only 18 months old after all. But it sent a pain through my heart that stung quite deeply. (Especially since I knew the years to follow would be marked with these kinds of things over and over again.) But we moved forward as we always do.

Let me take you forward to THIS year. In her bag I found a piece of white paper with little informational things about “my daddy.” It had sentences like, “My daddy’s favorite thing to do is_______.” My daddy’s eyes are________.” Etc… I was told that my daughter worked on this and filled it out about her PawPaw. OK, that works for me. It was cute (and funny) and decorated in browns and blues. This little paper had a larger colored piece of construction paper glued to the back, as a background. My daughter was the last one to select her background paper from the large stack (about an inch thick stack, I’m told) of construction paper. The piece she chose, from the middle of the stack had actually been used before. It was a “scrap piece” that her teacher didn’t realize was put back in there. Turns out, it was the only “scrap piece” in the whole stack. Of course that’s the one she picked. Of course! You see, even though she couldn’t see what that page really was when she selected it and pulled it from the stack…God knew. That one lone page was a page previously used to cut out a shape of a cross. So what was left was a sheet of paper with a beautiful cross shaped hole in it. THAT page is the one glued to the back of her informational paper about “her daddy.”

You may think that is merely coincidence. I don’t, and neither did her teacher who was also moved to tears by this incident. I think my little girl selected that particular piece because of the Holy Spirit. Not so much for her, because at this point she still doesn’t understand all of this “grown up stuff.” But God knows that her teacher could use this to reinforce what God means to her as her Father and so that I could also be comforted by this as well. There is a hole in this child’s heart…but just like this paper, it can only be filled by our loving Father, a Father so loving that He sent His Son to die for us. THAT is her Father. That is the reminder of His love. The cross. That is the hole in the page. That is the hole in her heart. ONLY GOD, through CHRIST can fill it. And He will…

Little things will probably always have a sting when it comes to her dad. This is reality. But I love my Lord so much; He reminds us that He holds that little girl so close to His heart. He reminds me daily how unique and special she truly is and He has filled her life with MANY amazing men. She is SO blessed. And so am I. I know she means SO much to Him and I never doubt how special she is to Him.

I love you Father God. Father to the fatherless! Please always hold her extra close. She needs You very much; and so do I. Thank You for this unique little blessing on a not-so-random piece of construction paper. You amaze me every day!

Endings are for Gratitude, Beginnings are for Faith

Gracious Father, grant me a spirit of gratitude. Help me feel the preciousness of past grace. Give me an honest memory of mercy. Forgive me for the pride of unremembered gifts and callous thanklessness. Awaken faith in my wavering soul and give me strong confidence in Your solid promises. Where past and future meet make me humble and bold.

In Christ's Precious Name,

AMEN

Thanks to John Piper for the words.

Mama Bear Meeting

I am waiting to go into a meeting. This is not the normal meeting. Not a brainstorming meeting. Not a project planning meeting. Not a "status update" meeting. It is a Mama Bear meeting.

What do I mean by that? I mean, this is a meeting where I stop being "nicey-nice" and I stand up for what is one of the most important things in my life: MY Baby Bear. The great thing is that this mama bear was intentional in her meeting preparation. This mama bear talked with fellow mama bears and is armed with lots of pertinent info. It takes A WHOLE LOT to get me to become ferocious. It takes A WHOLE LOT to move me beyond "nicey-nice." But it happens from time to time. And today is one of those times. Mama Bear is armed and ready. She's been prayerful and purposeful. The care and emotional well-being of my little critter is of the utmost importance to me and it is in question.

The pressure here is that a handful of other mama bears are counting on me to speak up and speak out...because it affects their little baby bears too. The mama bears are unsettled and that is NEVER a good thing. But this mama bear has had enough. Someone must stand up and take the risk (and there is RISK.) Deep breath....

It is tough for me to stand up, claws at the ready, bow out my chest, and let out a growl that curdles the blood of those nearby, but that is where we are today. Mama bear is coming! And she is not a happy bear.

Yes, I Wrote Something...

I've determined that I don't write much (here) when I am uninspired. I have been uninspired for some time. I have been busy but with what exactly, I'm not sure. The last time I felt truly inspired, a bomb dropped in my life the very next day. So, I am a little apprehensive about allowing myself to feel any growing inspiration. I am going through some significant changes. Exciting changes. Opportunity to stretch and grow is exciting yet unsettling at the same time. That is where I find myself today: stretching, growing, excited, and unsettled all at the same time. But change is good. I despise ruts and stagnation. I yearn for growth and progress and newness.

A few areas of my life were stagnating. Health. Relationships. Job. Those are a few that come to mind. Each of those areas are taking big turns. It's interesting how God will sometimes allow us to remain right where we are and wait for us to take a step in a new/different direction. Yet in other things He brings new challenges right smack in front of our faces even when we insist on staying the same. I am up for some change. I am a change junkie. Not just change for the sake of change. But change for the sake of GROWTH.

I am working HARD to reclaim great health! It is hard work. It doesn't always taste like fried chicken, biscuits, and gravy. There is strain, sweat, sacrifice. But there is also energy, vibrance, self esteem, better fitting clothes etc... For everything worth having there is hard work and sacrifice. Not just in physical health, but it is sometimes most obvious there. I am loving this new change and what it is bringing into my life. It's about time!!

I am being stretched by being handed a HUGE new responsibility. It's BIG. It's one of those things that makes you wonder if "they" knew what they were doing in giving it to you. It's HUGE, but also is one of the reasons I know I am where I am for a reason. It's one of those "THIS is what I was waiting for" things. Yet, so much responsibility goes with this role. It's not that this "thing" is rocket science, it is just that it is CRITICAL and must be as close to perfection as we can get this side of heaven. No pressure. Ha ha! Again...excited and unsettled. Mostly, prayerful.

I am growing by learning to determine what isn't acceptable in my life (which I base on God's Word and wise counsel.) I sometimes allow myself to be run over, taken advantage of, etc... I thought that is what I was supposed to do. You know, love, accept, forgive, be gracious? Sounds good and right, but not to the point of being taken advantage of. Friends sometimes do this. Family can do this. Coworkers can do this. All of the people in our lives can do this if we consistently allow it. I have allowed it with many people in my life. So, I changed it. We teach other people how to treat us. People will treat you exactly how you allow them. I've been a doormat. I'm standing up not only for myself but for how I know my God wants me to be treated and how I need to treat others. Being a kind, loving, gracious person does not equal: doormat! I love being His daughter and knowing how to love others, but how to not subject myself to harmful treatment as well. It's freeing!

Have I rambled enough? Growth, stretching, learning, being open to God's will and His lessons is a wonderful thing. I love change. I am change. I am ever-changing. God does not change but He is always a catalyst in my daily change. Awesome to experience. Definitely uncomfortable at times, but always worth it. Always.

A Day to Celebrate

Today is my friend Jimmy's birthday. I miss him terribly. I think about him everyday. I pray for his wife and boys a whole lot. I celebrate today for being the wonderful day that God blessed this earth with one amazing human being. I only wish I had known him longer. He left a wonderful mark on my life. Thank you God for placing him in my life and for the things he shared with me and taught me. Jimmy you will never be forgotten and I can't wait to see you again! Have fun enjoying your new home; I bet the fishing is amazing.

Misunderstood Manners or Mighty Meaning?

Why did Jesus fold the linen burial cloth after His resurrection?

The Gospel of John (20:7) tells us that the napkin, which was placed over the face of Jesus, was not just thrown aside like the grave clothes. The Bible takes an entire verse to tell us that the napkin was neatly folded, and was placed at the head of that stony tomb. Early Sunday morning, while it was still dark, Mary Magdalene came to the tomb and found that the stone had been rolled away from the entrance. She ran and found Simon Peter and the other disciple, the one whom Jesus loved. She said, "They have taken the Lord's body out of the tomb, and I don't know where they have put him!" Peter and the other disciple ran to the tomb to see. The other disciple out ran Peter and got there first. He stopped and looked in and saw the linen cloth lying there, but he didn't go in. Then Simon Peter arrived and went inside. He also noticed the linen wrappings lying there, while the cloth that had covered Jesus' head was folded up and lying to the side. Was that important? Absolutely! Is it really significant? Yes! In order to understand the significance of the folded napkin, you have to understand a little bit about Hebrew tradition of that day.

The folded napkin had to do with the Master and Servant, and every Jewish boy knew this tradition. When the servant set the dinner table for the master, he made sure that it was exactly the way the master wanted it.The table was furnished perfectly, and then the servant would wait, just out of sight, until the master had finished eating, and the servant would not dare touch that table, until the master was finished. Now if the master were done eating, he would rise from the table, wipe his fingers, his mouth, and clean his beard, and would wad up the napkin and toss it onto the table. The servant would then know to clear the table. For in those days, the wadded napkin meant, "I'm done". But if the master got up from the table, and folded his napkin, and laid it beside his plate, the servant would not dare touch the table, because..........The folded napkin meant, "I'm coming back!"

He is Coming Back!!

Honor Your Father and Mother

I believe that God gives us all that we need (and usually much more.) The "much more" concept is so evident in my life. Specifically speaking, I have been blessed with exceptional parents. I realize that this is one heck of a treasure. I know that not everyone has a strong family. I am not boasting about mine, but I am expressing my thankful joy and unending gratitude for the One who blessed my life with them. I have two of the best parents on the planet. They are amazing people each in their own way. Which, by the way, are TOTALLY different ways.

My dad is bold, strong, wise, and a Godly man. He is incredibly well-versed in God's Word. He is not perfect by any stretch of the imagination and he will be the first to admit that. He has flaws, quirks, and oddities. But so do I and so do you. He has a heart for people and for sharing Christ. He makes no apologies or excuses for either. The man can talk. A lot. Many of you know this well. He is a talker. He's got a lot of great things to say, if you take the time to listen you can certainly learn something! He is a strong leader. He has a passion for the Church and for building up Godly men and Godly leaders. He is kind, caring, and gentle when needed. He's loved me when I was totally unlovable. He's granted me grace when I least deserved it. He's been a friend, mentor, buddy, and a teacher. And most importantly right now, he is both the adorer and the adored in my little one's life. She LOVES her Paw-Paw! And it is a love that is returned ten-fold. They are a lot alike. He is a GREAT dad and an awesome Paw-Paw. Since Gracyn doesn't have a father of her own, He has been an above-and-beyond Godly man in her life. I couldn't ask for more!

My mom is quiet. My mom is sensitive. She loves her family passionately. She has a gentle spirit, but treat those she loves wrongly and she is FIERCE! She gives so much...but quietly so. She helps me in more ways than I could possibly list. She is always thinking of ways to help her family. She is perhaps the most forgiving lady that I know. She gets hurt easily, but forgives just as easily. My dad is thankful for that...well, we all are thankful for that! My mom is strong in a way that isn't in your face. It is a behind the scenes, low-key, quiet strength. She serves her family in ways we often overlook and certainly under appreciate because she does them so consistently, routinely, and quietly. She is a true servant. She serves like Christ served: without needing "credit" or recognition. Her ways are ways of service and love. But they do not go unnoticed by me, I just need to be as consistent with my thanks and gratitude. She is an amazing woman. She is SO great with Gracyn. I do not know what I would do without her help, advice, and guidance. She is my angel for sure! Gracyn is always telling me how sweet "Grum-ma" is...and she is right. She is one of a kind!

So today, on no special occasion, I honor my father and mother by sharing with you guys how amazing each of them are individually. Together as a married couple and as parents they are a powerhouse. I am blessed and honored to be their daughter and friend. I am doubly blessed to share them with my daughter. Our circumstances are different than most right now and each of us are immeasurably blessed by it. Thank you God, for taking my mistakes and turning them into blessings that we all can share at this time in our lives.

I love you Father God, and I love you Mom and Dad, much more than these words could ever express.

Revolving Stages

The stages of a rose are the stages of me. Only my stages don’t always flow in the same order and mine repeat themselves over the years. Sometimes I am the bud. I feel closed up, tight, and protective, yet the outside still looks welcoming and soft. But the reality is that I am guarded and wound up really tightly inside. Other times, I am in full bloom. My petals are open wide, strong but soft, I give off a beautiful fragrance, and I am at the peak of what I was created to be. Then other times, I am drooping on my stem, with petals missing, and the remaining petals are battered getting brown and brittle. I am worn and used up.

I’d much prefer to always be in the full bloom stage. Perhaps someday I will. Life batters each and every rose. It is reality. Today I feel that in most areas of my life I am in the full bloom stage. However, in one area of my life I am the protective bud and in another I am the withering on the stem. But all in all I am in full bloom and I love it! And I have some steps in place to work on the other areas to draw them into bloom as well.

Am I the only one with revolving stages?? Do you have them too?

I LOVE 3/16

Have you ever been in the thick of a painful time in your life when you truly question how you will ever get through it or IF you will ever get through it? THEN, did you look up after some significant amount of time and realize you did in fact make it through…and you are OK? I find myself there today. It is a good place to be: on the other side of a painful chapter in life. You can see so much from “the other side.” The times in our lives when we are so engulfed in struggle and/or pain are the BIGGEST catalysts for significant growth. God works most diligently on me in those times.

Today is a significant day for me. Some of you know the significance; others will not. That’s ok. But today is a day of reflection and joy. There was a point where I thought that the 16th of March would always be painful. But thankfully, I was wrong (and that happens a lot). It is a wonderful day. It is a beautiful day full of wonderful memories and amazing growth. Because of March 16th I am a better person, a better friend, a better woman. I am a woman fully relying on God, not on myself or anyone else. I am thankful for March 16th. It was a blessing and an honor. I am thankful to have a God who walked me through the pain and showed me the beauty that I was refusing to face. March 16th is a very special day for many different reasons.

I discovered more of who I am and who God created me to be BECAUSE of March 16th. I am a strong woman, full of love, life, laughter, and resiliency. I am not my own. I am His. I am joyful and thankful for every single moment of the journey. And I look forward to life journeys ahead. God has a plan and I joyfully follow along trusting Him with each step I take. I know He has been with me with each step this far and I trust Him to guide each one going forward.

Thank you God for 3/16 and 3:16. There is much significance.

It's ALWAYS Something.

Kids often say whatever pops into their heads. It can be horribly embarrassing for a parent. I was sitting in a fast food restaurant with my daughter the other day. (Yes, I feed my child fast food sometimes. I am that kind of mom. Don't judge.) At another table sat a young couple. The young woman was wearing a TON of makeup on her face. It was WAY too much. Of course my daughter noticed this and in her innocent excitement kept poking me and saying "A clown, a clown, a clown mom!" I tried my best to get her to lower her voice. I am hopeful that "the clown" didn't hear her.

Deep down it was actually quite amusing, but on the surface it was a bit embarrassing. You just never know what a child's mind will process and how it will come bursting forth from their mouths. But believe me, it is ALWAYS something.

You give up a lot of "stuff" when you have children. You really do. But what you get in exchange for what you give up is SO much more. And even in those awkward moments, like the one with the "clown" it is so worth it. She's keeps me laughing and I promise you, I am NEVER EVER bored!

Life is good. Life is funny. LAUGH OUT LOUD. It is too short not to. ;)

Your Dad was the Kind of Man...

As many of you know, the past month has been very difficult for me. I wrote my last post the day before a tragedy. My boss, friend, pastor, and SO much more passed away last month. It was COMPLETELY unexpected; Jimmy was only 33. He was a rare man: GODLY yet so real. He was the kind of man I so admire: The REAL DEAL! I could go on and on about what a great man he was and how much he meant to so many people and ministries, but that isn’t exactly what the point of this post is...

Today I am working on a project which is starting with a (long) list of men who are going to be writing to Jimmy’s two son’s (ages 4 years and 10 months) called: Your Dad was the Kind of Man…

God forbid anything were to happen to you…but IF it did and you had small children that wouldn’t KNOW you, what do you think people would write about you to tell your children WHO you really were? Are you TODAY who you truly want to be? If not, WHY NOT? Do not waste any more time; you may not have time left. YOU DO NOT KNOW! Start living in a way that you leave behind a GODLY LEGACY. What would they write about you today? What could they say? Is it enough for you? Do you want to be more? Do you want to leave more behind as your legacy?

I’ve really had to stop and ponder so many things lately-Reorganize what is TRULY important for me-Eliminate what is toxic to me and my relationship with daughter and our life together on this earth. I don’t want to be a slave to my job (even my job in ministry); I don’t want to be a slave to unhealthy relationships; I don’t want to be a slave to my finances and desire for THINGS; I don’t want to be a slave to “finding a man”. Organizing this project for these men to write to these children, whose dad they will only know through what other people tell them, has REALLY touched me deeply. I want to be a LIGHT and JOY and a BEACON pointing to Christ. I want to truly LIVE! TODAY! I want to make a difference. I want to GIVE not take. I want to be the REAL DEAL. I want to leave a Godly Legacy, just like my dear friend Jimmy York. How about you?

Burning Boxes

It's been some time since I have felt led to write. When I am walking in the midst of a problem, I don't write. I wait to write until I make it through on the other side. I do that for a reason. I used to write in the middle of struggles and got burned with things I said or assumptions I made, etc... As I get older, I learn from my mistakes. I know ME and I know NOW that it is best that I keep my mouth shut until I have made it through. Until that time, I don't necessarily know what in the world I am talking about. LOL.

Lately I have walked through some "interesting" struggles. Career-related, parenting-related, and heart-related. I truly didn't know what to do. At some points all I could do was hold on tight and trust God, completely unable to see any hope. That's what I do when I have ZERO idea of how to take my next step...or breath. It's also extremely HARD for me to do. I want to DO something, FIX something, PLAN something...it is a control issue. I am, in many aspects of my life, a ridiculous control freak. Control is hard for me to relinquish. But I am learning to give it up despite my insides screaming at me to hold onto it.

So, despite my every internal human instinct, I let go of the reins. It was a terrifying thing for me. It always is... BUT, as He always does, GOD came through. He came through in MIGHTY MIGHTY ways. You'd think at this point in my life I would be gleefully throwing Him the reins at any and every given opportunity, knowing how victoriously He always handles my "issues". DUH. I am learning but I am still VERY human. All of the areas I was struggling with have turned into beautiful and yet very surprising blessings. My job has become a great source of fulfillment again. So much so that my "cup runneth over." The parenting issue has taken an exciting turn in a way that I couldn't have orchestrated on my own EVER! And the heart issue has brought me to a place I didn't realize was even an option. I was so blinded by my own ideas, plans, and perceptions.

I unknowingly create these little boxes (ideas, plans, etc) and cram myself into them, still unknowingly. Then life happens and it doesn't fit my boxes and yet even though I am terribly uncomfortable crammed into them, I am horrified to get out of my box. My mind thinks that they are the ONLY way. It is MY life after all, right, and I thought these things up, so they must be "right" for me. HA!! WRONG! So this time, I crawled out. I let God be the designer...my life after all belongs to Him. So HIS plan is truly right for me. Why do I fight it so often? I can be such a goofball some times.

So there you have it, my 263,533rd blog of how God worked it all out because I let go of control and crawled out of the goofy Carlotta-box into the life GOD-designed for me all along. It is a great place to be. Those stupid boxes I keep making are ridiculous. Perhaps when my time runs out, I will have stopped making them and cramming myself into them. Silly Carlotta.

Thank you God for revealing YOUR plans to me in the specific situations I was struggling with. I simply could not see, and you opened my eyes to possibilities that I had blocked from view. You've again blessed my socks off. I promise to try to keep giving You more opportunities to do so, instead of boxing You out. ;)

I am ready for a box burning party.

What's THAT About?

You know the gesture some religions make after prayer etc...of drawing an imaginary cross from their forehead to their chest and shoulder to shoulder? I've always wondered about that...I thought the little blurb below was a great way to think about that:

What’s the cure for selfishness? Get your self out of your eye by getting your eye off of your self. Quit staring at that little self, and focus on your great Savior.
A friend who is an Episcopalian minister explains the reason he closes his prayers with the sign of the cross. “The touching of my forehead and chest makes a capital ‘I.’ The gesture of touching first one should, then the other, cuts the ‘I’ in half.”
Isn’t that a work of the Cross? A smaller “I” and a greater Christ? Don’t focus on yourself; focus on all that you have in Christ. Focus on the fellowship of the Spirit, the affection and compassion on heaven.

-Max Lucado
A Love Worth Giving

Words are very...

unnecessary....(Depeche Mode reference)

I have been a bit quiet, I know. Enjoy it. Eventually this "state" that I am in will pass; I will have learned something, and I will be unable to NOT share it. But in the meantime, I just don't have much to say. Either that or I am not in a place where I can say it well.

So for now---Enjoy the Silence. ;)

COL (Cry Out Loud)

This quite literally made me cry out loud ( a little different than "laugh out loud"). Must be the mom in me or hormones or something. It never ceases to amaze me how deeply and strongly our hearts are attached to our children's. It is a mysterious and miraculous thing. I felt like I was right there in the midst of her story and situation. I sobbed at my desk when I read it. WOW. Maybe it's because I know them, maybe not. Either way, I thought it was worth reading.