A Day to Celebrate

Today is my friend Jimmy's birthday. I miss him terribly. I think about him everyday. I pray for his wife and boys a whole lot. I celebrate today for being the wonderful day that God blessed this earth with one amazing human being. I only wish I had known him longer. He left a wonderful mark on my life. Thank you God for placing him in my life and for the things he shared with me and taught me. Jimmy you will never be forgotten and I can't wait to see you again! Have fun enjoying your new home; I bet the fishing is amazing.

Misunderstood Manners or Mighty Meaning?

Why did Jesus fold the linen burial cloth after His resurrection?

The Gospel of John (20:7) tells us that the napkin, which was placed over the face of Jesus, was not just thrown aside like the grave clothes. The Bible takes an entire verse to tell us that the napkin was neatly folded, and was placed at the head of that stony tomb. Early Sunday morning, while it was still dark, Mary Magdalene came to the tomb and found that the stone had been rolled away from the entrance. She ran and found Simon Peter and the other disciple, the one whom Jesus loved. She said, "They have taken the Lord's body out of the tomb, and I don't know where they have put him!" Peter and the other disciple ran to the tomb to see. The other disciple out ran Peter and got there first. He stopped and looked in and saw the linen cloth lying there, but he didn't go in. Then Simon Peter arrived and went inside. He also noticed the linen wrappings lying there, while the cloth that had covered Jesus' head was folded up and lying to the side. Was that important? Absolutely! Is it really significant? Yes! In order to understand the significance of the folded napkin, you have to understand a little bit about Hebrew tradition of that day.

The folded napkin had to do with the Master and Servant, and every Jewish boy knew this tradition. When the servant set the dinner table for the master, he made sure that it was exactly the way the master wanted it.The table was furnished perfectly, and then the servant would wait, just out of sight, until the master had finished eating, and the servant would not dare touch that table, until the master was finished. Now if the master were done eating, he would rise from the table, wipe his fingers, his mouth, and clean his beard, and would wad up the napkin and toss it onto the table. The servant would then know to clear the table. For in those days, the wadded napkin meant, "I'm done". But if the master got up from the table, and folded his napkin, and laid it beside his plate, the servant would not dare touch the table, because..........The folded napkin meant, "I'm coming back!"

He is Coming Back!!

Honor Your Father and Mother

I believe that God gives us all that we need (and usually much more.) The "much more" concept is so evident in my life. Specifically speaking, I have been blessed with exceptional parents. I realize that this is one heck of a treasure. I know that not everyone has a strong family. I am not boasting about mine, but I am expressing my thankful joy and unending gratitude for the One who blessed my life with them. I have two of the best parents on the planet. They are amazing people each in their own way. Which, by the way, are TOTALLY different ways.

My dad is bold, strong, wise, and a Godly man. He is incredibly well-versed in God's Word. He is not perfect by any stretch of the imagination and he will be the first to admit that. He has flaws, quirks, and oddities. But so do I and so do you. He has a heart for people and for sharing Christ. He makes no apologies or excuses for either. The man can talk. A lot. Many of you know this well. He is a talker. He's got a lot of great things to say, if you take the time to listen you can certainly learn something! He is a strong leader. He has a passion for the Church and for building up Godly men and Godly leaders. He is kind, caring, and gentle when needed. He's loved me when I was totally unlovable. He's granted me grace when I least deserved it. He's been a friend, mentor, buddy, and a teacher. And most importantly right now, he is both the adorer and the adored in my little one's life. She LOVES her Paw-Paw! And it is a love that is returned ten-fold. They are a lot alike. He is a GREAT dad and an awesome Paw-Paw. Since Gracyn doesn't have a father of her own, He has been an above-and-beyond Godly man in her life. I couldn't ask for more!

My mom is quiet. My mom is sensitive. She loves her family passionately. She has a gentle spirit, but treat those she loves wrongly and she is FIERCE! She gives so much...but quietly so. She helps me in more ways than I could possibly list. She is always thinking of ways to help her family. She is perhaps the most forgiving lady that I know. She gets hurt easily, but forgives just as easily. My dad is thankful for that...well, we all are thankful for that! My mom is strong in a way that isn't in your face. It is a behind the scenes, low-key, quiet strength. She serves her family in ways we often overlook and certainly under appreciate because she does them so consistently, routinely, and quietly. She is a true servant. She serves like Christ served: without needing "credit" or recognition. Her ways are ways of service and love. But they do not go unnoticed by me, I just need to be as consistent with my thanks and gratitude. She is an amazing woman. She is SO great with Gracyn. I do not know what I would do without her help, advice, and guidance. She is my angel for sure! Gracyn is always telling me how sweet "Grum-ma" is...and she is right. She is one of a kind!

So today, on no special occasion, I honor my father and mother by sharing with you guys how amazing each of them are individually. Together as a married couple and as parents they are a powerhouse. I am blessed and honored to be their daughter and friend. I am doubly blessed to share them with my daughter. Our circumstances are different than most right now and each of us are immeasurably blessed by it. Thank you God, for taking my mistakes and turning them into blessings that we all can share at this time in our lives.

I love you Father God, and I love you Mom and Dad, much more than these words could ever express.

Revolving Stages

The stages of a rose are the stages of me. Only my stages don’t always flow in the same order and mine repeat themselves over the years. Sometimes I am the bud. I feel closed up, tight, and protective, yet the outside still looks welcoming and soft. But the reality is that I am guarded and wound up really tightly inside. Other times, I am in full bloom. My petals are open wide, strong but soft, I give off a beautiful fragrance, and I am at the peak of what I was created to be. Then other times, I am drooping on my stem, with petals missing, and the remaining petals are battered getting brown and brittle. I am worn and used up.

I’d much prefer to always be in the full bloom stage. Perhaps someday I will. Life batters each and every rose. It is reality. Today I feel that in most areas of my life I am in the full bloom stage. However, in one area of my life I am the protective bud and in another I am the withering on the stem. But all in all I am in full bloom and I love it! And I have some steps in place to work on the other areas to draw them into bloom as well.

Am I the only one with revolving stages?? Do you have them too?

I LOVE 3/16

Have you ever been in the thick of a painful time in your life when you truly question how you will ever get through it or IF you will ever get through it? THEN, did you look up after some significant amount of time and realize you did in fact make it through…and you are OK? I find myself there today. It is a good place to be: on the other side of a painful chapter in life. You can see so much from “the other side.” The times in our lives when we are so engulfed in struggle and/or pain are the BIGGEST catalysts for significant growth. God works most diligently on me in those times.

Today is a significant day for me. Some of you know the significance; others will not. That’s ok. But today is a day of reflection and joy. There was a point where I thought that the 16th of March would always be painful. But thankfully, I was wrong (and that happens a lot). It is a wonderful day. It is a beautiful day full of wonderful memories and amazing growth. Because of March 16th I am a better person, a better friend, a better woman. I am a woman fully relying on God, not on myself or anyone else. I am thankful for March 16th. It was a blessing and an honor. I am thankful to have a God who walked me through the pain and showed me the beauty that I was refusing to face. March 16th is a very special day for many different reasons.

I discovered more of who I am and who God created me to be BECAUSE of March 16th. I am a strong woman, full of love, life, laughter, and resiliency. I am not my own. I am His. I am joyful and thankful for every single moment of the journey. And I look forward to life journeys ahead. God has a plan and I joyfully follow along trusting Him with each step I take. I know He has been with me with each step this far and I trust Him to guide each one going forward.

Thank you God for 3/16 and 3:16. There is much significance.

It's ALWAYS Something.

Kids often say whatever pops into their heads. It can be horribly embarrassing for a parent. I was sitting in a fast food restaurant with my daughter the other day. (Yes, I feed my child fast food sometimes. I am that kind of mom. Don't judge.) At another table sat a young couple. The young woman was wearing a TON of makeup on her face. It was WAY too much. Of course my daughter noticed this and in her innocent excitement kept poking me and saying "A clown, a clown, a clown mom!" I tried my best to get her to lower her voice. I am hopeful that "the clown" didn't hear her.

Deep down it was actually quite amusing, but on the surface it was a bit embarrassing. You just never know what a child's mind will process and how it will come bursting forth from their mouths. But believe me, it is ALWAYS something.

You give up a lot of "stuff" when you have children. You really do. But what you get in exchange for what you give up is SO much more. And even in those awkward moments, like the one with the "clown" it is so worth it. She's keeps me laughing and I promise you, I am NEVER EVER bored!

Life is good. Life is funny. LAUGH OUT LOUD. It is too short not to. ;)

Your Dad was the Kind of Man...

As many of you know, the past month has been very difficult for me. I wrote my last post the day before a tragedy. My boss, friend, pastor, and SO much more passed away last month. It was COMPLETELY unexpected; Jimmy was only 33. He was a rare man: GODLY yet so real. He was the kind of man I so admire: The REAL DEAL! I could go on and on about what a great man he was and how much he meant to so many people and ministries, but that isn’t exactly what the point of this post is...

Today I am working on a project which is starting with a (long) list of men who are going to be writing to Jimmy’s two son’s (ages 4 years and 10 months) called: Your Dad was the Kind of Man…

God forbid anything were to happen to you…but IF it did and you had small children that wouldn’t KNOW you, what do you think people would write about you to tell your children WHO you really were? Are you TODAY who you truly want to be? If not, WHY NOT? Do not waste any more time; you may not have time left. YOU DO NOT KNOW! Start living in a way that you leave behind a GODLY LEGACY. What would they write about you today? What could they say? Is it enough for you? Do you want to be more? Do you want to leave more behind as your legacy?

I’ve really had to stop and ponder so many things lately-Reorganize what is TRULY important for me-Eliminate what is toxic to me and my relationship with daughter and our life together on this earth. I don’t want to be a slave to my job (even my job in ministry); I don’t want to be a slave to unhealthy relationships; I don’t want to be a slave to my finances and desire for THINGS; I don’t want to be a slave to “finding a man”. Organizing this project for these men to write to these children, whose dad they will only know through what other people tell them, has REALLY touched me deeply. I want to be a LIGHT and JOY and a BEACON pointing to Christ. I want to truly LIVE! TODAY! I want to make a difference. I want to GIVE not take. I want to be the REAL DEAL. I want to leave a Godly Legacy, just like my dear friend Jimmy York. How about you?

Burning Boxes

It's been some time since I have felt led to write. When I am walking in the midst of a problem, I don't write. I wait to write until I make it through on the other side. I do that for a reason. I used to write in the middle of struggles and got burned with things I said or assumptions I made, etc... As I get older, I learn from my mistakes. I know ME and I know NOW that it is best that I keep my mouth shut until I have made it through. Until that time, I don't necessarily know what in the world I am talking about. LOL.

Lately I have walked through some "interesting" struggles. Career-related, parenting-related, and heart-related. I truly didn't know what to do. At some points all I could do was hold on tight and trust God, completely unable to see any hope. That's what I do when I have ZERO idea of how to take my next step...or breath. It's also extremely HARD for me to do. I want to DO something, FIX something, PLAN something...it is a control issue. I am, in many aspects of my life, a ridiculous control freak. Control is hard for me to relinquish. But I am learning to give it up despite my insides screaming at me to hold onto it.

So, despite my every internal human instinct, I let go of the reins. It was a terrifying thing for me. It always is... BUT, as He always does, GOD came through. He came through in MIGHTY MIGHTY ways. You'd think at this point in my life I would be gleefully throwing Him the reins at any and every given opportunity, knowing how victoriously He always handles my "issues". DUH. I am learning but I am still VERY human. All of the areas I was struggling with have turned into beautiful and yet very surprising blessings. My job has become a great source of fulfillment again. So much so that my "cup runneth over." The parenting issue has taken an exciting turn in a way that I couldn't have orchestrated on my own EVER! And the heart issue has brought me to a place I didn't realize was even an option. I was so blinded by my own ideas, plans, and perceptions.

I unknowingly create these little boxes (ideas, plans, etc) and cram myself into them, still unknowingly. Then life happens and it doesn't fit my boxes and yet even though I am terribly uncomfortable crammed into them, I am horrified to get out of my box. My mind thinks that they are the ONLY way. It is MY life after all, right, and I thought these things up, so they must be "right" for me. HA!! WRONG! So this time, I crawled out. I let God be the designer...my life after all belongs to Him. So HIS plan is truly right for me. Why do I fight it so often? I can be such a goofball some times.

So there you have it, my 263,533rd blog of how God worked it all out because I let go of control and crawled out of the goofy Carlotta-box into the life GOD-designed for me all along. It is a great place to be. Those stupid boxes I keep making are ridiculous. Perhaps when my time runs out, I will have stopped making them and cramming myself into them. Silly Carlotta.

Thank you God for revealing YOUR plans to me in the specific situations I was struggling with. I simply could not see, and you opened my eyes to possibilities that I had blocked from view. You've again blessed my socks off. I promise to try to keep giving You more opportunities to do so, instead of boxing You out. ;)

I am ready for a box burning party.

What's THAT About?

You know the gesture some religions make after prayer etc...of drawing an imaginary cross from their forehead to their chest and shoulder to shoulder? I've always wondered about that...I thought the little blurb below was a great way to think about that:

What’s the cure for selfishness? Get your self out of your eye by getting your eye off of your self. Quit staring at that little self, and focus on your great Savior.
A friend who is an Episcopalian minister explains the reason he closes his prayers with the sign of the cross. “The touching of my forehead and chest makes a capital ‘I.’ The gesture of touching first one should, then the other, cuts the ‘I’ in half.”
Isn’t that a work of the Cross? A smaller “I” and a greater Christ? Don’t focus on yourself; focus on all that you have in Christ. Focus on the fellowship of the Spirit, the affection and compassion on heaven.

-Max Lucado
A Love Worth Giving

Words are very...

unnecessary....(Depeche Mode reference)

I have been a bit quiet, I know. Enjoy it. Eventually this "state" that I am in will pass; I will have learned something, and I will be unable to NOT share it. But in the meantime, I just don't have much to say. Either that or I am not in a place where I can say it well.

So for now---Enjoy the Silence. ;)

COL (Cry Out Loud)

This quite literally made me cry out loud ( a little different than "laugh out loud"). Must be the mom in me or hormones or something. It never ceases to amaze me how deeply and strongly our hearts are attached to our children's. It is a mysterious and miraculous thing. I felt like I was right there in the midst of her story and situation. I sobbed at my desk when I read it. WOW. Maybe it's because I know them, maybe not. Either way, I thought it was worth reading.

You Lousy Hypocrite!

"Sit back and keep your mouth shut. Bite your tongue. Wilt into the background. In fear of stepping on anyone's toes, never step up. Stay in your seat. Quieten your inner voice. Go along to get along. Restrain your heart, mind, and writings. Don't risk being disliked or disagreed with. Don't tell the truth; it may hurt someone; don't lie, just don't say anything. Who are you to speak up or out about anything? You're a sinner!! You're a struggler! Stay shackled. Don't make anyone uncomfortable. Don't get uncomfortable yourself. Feel a stirring in your heart to speak up, speak out, stand up?...Smother it! Just who in the world do you think you are anyway? I know who you are. I know what you've done. I know what you've thought. I know every time you sin. I know you sinned just moments ago. I know your life isn't in the same universe with perfection. SHUT UP! Sink down in silence. Don't say a WORD! You lousy hypocrite!"

All of that goes through my mind and heart every time I am about to write something that someone/anyone may not agree with or be comfortable with. I hate it. I know who is saying it. When I ignore it and go ahead and write what is on my heart, I hit POST and then duck for cover.

Must we be perfect to share His message? Must we be perfect to encourage others and ourselves in writing? Must we be perfect to speak up? Must we be perfect to write things of spiritual substance? NO. NO. NO. Check out my brother Paul (in the Bible). Do I ever present myself as perfection...uh heck no! Not even ONCE! Not even close! So why this inner battle EVERY SINGLE time I write? I know the score. I do not condemn a single soul...not even myself. That is not my place. We ALL fall short of the glory of God! I am a sinner. I am in dire need of my Savior- a Savior who takes great pleasure in me. But the enemy knows my weakness to keep the peace, to go along to get along. He plays upon my insecurities and failures to keep me quiet. He uses everything he can to quiet my voice. Sadly, sometimes he gets away with it.

Dear God, please help me to always stand strong when he whispers of fear, doubt, and hypocrisy. Let my imperfections be used to glorify you, don't let me use them as an excuse to wilt and wither into silence.

Path to Misery

Earlier in the week I was listening to a woman crying. She was in a relationship with a gentleman whom she loved very much. They were considering marriage. He evidently was a tough nut to crack. She couldn't get him to open up about much of anything that was deep. He was very guarded emotionally. They were both parents from previous marriages with a couple of kids each. Both were wanting to remarry. But she had a huge burden on her heart. She loved this man, but knew something was WRONG. As the counselor dug deeper, he knew that she had contacted him for confirmation of what she already knew deep down. The more he probed into the relationship, the more her real problem became clear.

As I listened, I cried too. I knew this woman's struggle well. And I knew she was on the path to long-term misery if something didn't change. Her frustration with his unwillingness to open up was really just her excuse to talk to this counselor. Her BIG issue was pulled out of her by the wise counselor. The BIG issue was that she was already weary from being the spiritual leader in the relationship and they weren't even married yet. She longed for him to take the lead. He wouldn't. Why would he? She carried that load for him. Yet, she was afraid that if she stopped, he wouldn't pick up the role. She even admitted that she felt that this problem was why his first marriage failed. He was unable, maybe even unwilling to be the leader, ESPECIALLY when it came to spiritual leadership.

The counselor told her what she already knew; this was a recipe for disaster if she went ahead and married this gentleman. She knew it and just wanted confirmation. As she listened to the reality you could hear sadness yet relief in her voice. SHE KNEW ALL ALONG. She just wanted someone else to say it too.

God designed the man/woman relationship to work in a certain way. If the woman must bear to load of leader eventually the relationship will breakdown. It is not the role God designed for the woman. I know. I know this WELL. Listening to this interaction brought back so much past pain, yet brought me hope that I will never have to walk that road again. I learned the VERY HARD WAY that I am never meant to be the spiritual leader in a relationship/marriage. I tried...for many YEARS. It was never a role I was meant to take and one I will never take on again.

I pray that this woman will do what she has to do to walk away from the relationship or at the very least postpone the marriage until she can help this man to get guidance, mentoring, intentional spiritual growth, whatever it takes for him to come to a place in his spiritual walk to be EAGER to step up and take the lead. I pray for them both. I know the destruction that will follow if they continue on "as is".

Heavenly Father, guard and protect this woman. Take her hand and lead her to the right path, decisions, and choices in this matter. I pray for this man as well. I pray that he too will seek You and Your will in his life and in this relationship. In Your Son's Precious Name...AMEN!

Coleman, You're Home

Goodbye Coleman. You touched lives of many people; people who never even knew you. You've graduated. You are HOME.

Here is the final blog post of his courageous journey.

Rooting for Coleman

As if being in a foreign country (Iraq) far away from your family, friends, and fiancé fighting a war weren't bad enough...what if you got sick and diagnosed with leukemia while out there? What if you were too sick to come home to the states for treatment? What if you were far away from home and fighting for your life? Please join me in faithful prayer for Coleman Hinkefent and his fiancé , family, and friends. They have a blog with consistent updates. PLEASE pray!

Art

All art requires courage. - Anne Tucker

Once the amateur's naive approach and humble willingness to learn fades away, the creative spirit of good art dies with it. Every professional should remain always in his heart an amateur. -Alfred Eisenstaedt

Just for Giggles

Two things that made me giggle Monday night:

1. My daughter talking about the first My Little Pony that she ever got...she says that it was the one she got when she was "young," (she received it two months ago...you know, back in the day!)
2. My daughter praying for me when I wasn't feeling too great (bad headache), she ended the prayer with, "In Jesus Name, THE END!"

Obviously they were much cuter coming out of the precious little mouth of my kiddo, but even in this medium, they are precious enough to share.

I love being a mom. :)

Carlotta, Just Let It Go.

Wow, what a strange couple of weeks. It's been a roller coaster ride to be sure.

Here is the resounding theme: Carlotta, Just Let It Go.

I am not good at just letting things go. The saying, "like water off a duck's back," has never been used in reference to me. Ha! But I'd like that to be different. It is proving to be harder than just flipping some sort of internal switch. If something "bothers" me it sticks with me for a while, sometimes a long while. I know that hanging onto things that "just aren't right," isn't good. I also recognize it as something Satan uses to steal my joy. I believe that stealing joy from people is one of his favorite pastimes. One which he uses on me regularly.

I've been allowing certain things grate away at my heart and my soul. Some of these things have been with me for a LONG time. It is time to release them. What is the point in carrying around things that are hurtful to our hearts and souls, especially when we have ZERO control over them. It is hard enough to master having control over ones own self, but believing that we have control over anything else is, well, laughable. The things I am allowing to steal my joy are most certainly things that I have ZERO control over. So it seems quite silly of me to allow them to reside within me while they tear away at my heart and my joy.

So this is me releasing them. These issues, which I have written out on a piece of paper, are being passed through the industrial shredder as soon as I end this post to symbolically illustrate their destruction. I release them of their hold on me and I am just going to Let It Go.

Homeless

A dear friend and I were talking. We both have this feeling of homelessness that ebbs and flows. Not that we don't have a home to live in...but a feeling of homelessness within our hearts. We seek to comfort that feeling at church, in small groups, with friends, with romances, etc...whatever we think will work. Sometimes, temporarily, that works. Sometimes friends, family, a romantic interest, church family, etc...will fill the void. But it never seems to last long enough to sustain an "at home" feeling in the heart/soul.

I have seen many people feel this ache and move from church to church to church thinking that the problem is the local church they are attending at the time. Others seek to rove through social circles and friends trying to fill up the hole and distract their minds from the void. And some look for it in romance...the great "love of their lives". They all eventually fall short of what is the real need.

I've tried all of those things. However, no matter where or who I've turned to, it wasn't enough. But I've realized something: it will never be enough. Even when I fill myself up with the Lord (which is where I should always go FIRST), it isn't enough. My soul feels a longing and a void that will never be eased until I make it home--to my soul's real home. I will feel homeless until I am home. Home is not here. When we begin to love this life, these relationships, and these trappings enough that we are satisfied...we will no longer desire Him and our home with Him the way we were made to.

I used to feel like something was "wrong" with me because of my homeless feeling. Now I recognize it as growing closer to my Lord and my intense desire to be with Him as my soul was designed for...for eternity. So when those aches and unfulfilled desires gnaw at my heart, I stop and smile and know that I am right where I should be. I am aching at the very core of my soul to be with my heart's desire, my Lord and my God. I will feel homeless until I am truly home... HOME with Him.

The Invitation

It doesn't interest me what you do for a living.
I want to know what you ache for and if you dare to dream of meeting your heart's longing.
It doesn't interest me how old you are.
I want to know if you will risk looking like a fool for love for your dream for the adventure of being alive.
It doesn't interest me what planets are squaring your moon...
I want to know if you have touched the centre of your own sorrow if you have been opened by life's betrayals or have become shrivelled and closed from fear of further pain.
I want to know if you can sit with pain mine or your own without moving to hide it or fade it or fix it.
I want to know if you can be with joy mine or your own if you can dance with wildness and let the ecstasy fill you to the tips of your fingers and toes without cautioning us to be careful to be realistic to remember the limitations of being human.
It doesn't interest me if the story you are telling me is true.
I want to know if you can disappoint another to be true to yourself. If you can bear the accusation of betrayal and not betray your own soul.
I want to know if you can see Beauty even when it is not pretty every day.
I want to know if you can live with failure yours and mine and still stand at the edge of the lake and shout to the silver of the full moon,"Yes."
It doesn't interest me to know where you live or how much money you have.
I want to know if you can get up after a night of grief and despair weary and bruised to the bone and do what needs to be done to feed your children.
It doesn't interest me who you know or how you came to be here.
I want to know if you will stand in the centre of the fire with me and not shrink back.
It doesn't interest me where or what or with whom you have studied. I want to know what sustains you from the inside when all else falls away. I want to know if you can be alone with yourself and if you truly like the company you keep in the empty moments.

-Oriah Mountain Dreamer