I am sad. I've realized a few things today. One, is that I am inadequate in ways that I don't want to be. Two, is that I am misunderstood A LOT. Three, is that I am not remotely close to being like the one I so want to be like. For those that really know me, spend time with me, and have seen me muddle through some portion of life, you know my heart is tender. Sometimes too tender. Yet, when I interact with people who don't know me very well that does not translate a lot of times. I need to work on that...or stop interacting with people. (Not likely, as I am on this planet with a bunch of other people whom I am called to love...can't do that well, without interaction.) I am inadequate with my communication. My heart is OFTEN misunderstood. When people see/hear me, they don't often see/hear Christ, at least that's how I feel.
Those things have made my heart quite heavy. Makes me want to withdraw and hide out. I don't like feeling that way. Anyone else ever feel like this? Any suggestions on how to correct it? I want my heart to look like Christ's, I want it to come across when I communicate with people, and I want it understood. Where He was compassionate, I want to be. Where He was unyielding, I want to be. Where He inspired and lifted up and encouraged, I want to too.
I need BIG help with these. I am trying hard, but failing miserably.
9 comments:
Carlotta- It saddens me that these issues are burdening you.
I can relate to feeling inadequate in ways that we don't want to be. I for one sometimes struggle with that too as you know. But, as you well know (and have told me,) God designed us each in unique ways and He didn't design each of us to be adequate in EVERYTHING.
As for the second thing, don't you think we are ALL misunderstood sometimes? Some maybe more often than others, but I think those who misunderstand you, me or anyone are likely people who don't really take the time to get to know us. I think as long as God knows our hearts, which of course He does, that's all that truly matters in the end.
Thirdly, you say you "are not remotely close to being like the one you so want to be like." I'm not sure exactly what you mean. If you mean being more like Christ...then I can certainly attest to the fact that you are CONSISTENTLY striving to be more like Him. I "see" that in you both in conversations that we have and certainly in your writings. On the other hand, if you are talking about being more like someone in particular...well, that's silly. You are Carlotta!! Don't get me wrong, I agree that we can learn from others and so forth, but you gotta be you.
Anyway, I don't know what has transpired to lead you to these thoughts. And in no way do I mean to simplify your concerns or make light of them in anyway. But I think sometimes you worry too much. And this is coming from someone who is a pro at worrying about things, so I know what I'm talking about :)
Maybe I'm completely off base on comprehending what you are saying/asking. It wouldn't be the first time that I didn't "get it." But I will definitely be praying for you as ALWAYS my dear friend.
Yes, Jeff, I meant I want to be more like Christ. You know me well enough to know that I don't try to be like any other person HERE. God made me...me, and am glad about that, I just want to be more and more like Him. Much more than I am.
Thanks for the kind words and encouragement.
Don't be sad. Sometimes, when we put ourselves out there, others don't know all the details that are going on in our lives. We're just seeing a glimpse - a fraction - of the whole truth. Especially in someone's writing.
Sometimes reading something at one moment in our lives gets a totally different reaction than if read at a different moment. Think of all the times you've read the Bible and all of a sudden, one day it "magically" means something else. Not really, it just hits you where you are right now. Same thing with any writing I would assume.
I think we have to keep putting ourselves out there. We can't withdraw. Our job is to continue to communicate - especially if misunderstood. We're human after all - destined to mess up often. But fortunately, we are still loved.
I know that your heart and desire is to be like Him. That's really all that matters isn't it? I don't think you are failing miserably at all. I hope that things I've written have not hurt you beyond repair. I haven't had many "debates" in my life about what I believe. I took offense and read attitude into words when probably no attitude was there at all. It's pointless to get as bothered by it as I did yesterday. You weren't attacking me. I should be more open and tolerant of differences and I surely didn't keep it that way. I think that's just where I was yesterday for some reason. It is OK to have differing views on some issues as long as the main truth is held fast - our Savior died - and conquered sin - for us because He loves us.
Please don't stop giving your opinion. My blog should always be a safe place to do that - just like my classroom in school - and I do apologize if I took your safety away.
Thank you too Erin for your kind words and encouragement. I want my heart to be understood through my words and MANY times they are not. It makes my heart hurt. You didn't take my safety away or hurt me beyond repair. Not at all. I just don't want to seem hurtful or come across in ways that I definitely do not intend. (Weary sigh...)
I will continuing sharing and doing my best to reflect Jesus with my words and my actions. It's just such a difficult thing to do sometimes...being as fatally human as I am.
Thanks for your grace too Erin!
HUGS.
Of course I DO know you well enough to know that you strive to be more like Christ. I guess I did a poor job of getting across what I was trying to say (one reason I don’t write often.) What I intended to say/ask is that maybe you were somewhat comparing yourself to someone here on earth that you see as “closer” to Christ than yourself. I think most of us would agree that this type of comparison CAN be healthy and can most certainly help us to grow closer to Christ. But, on the flip side, I think Satan can try to use this against us if we are not careful.
I know in my own life, even recently, it’s like Satan is telling me “you see Jeff, you will NEVER be as close to God as that person, so why do you even try??” Then, he goes as far as trying to convince me that I should just shut that person out of my life. FORTUNATELY, our great God ALWAYS helps me to see that for the bold faced lie that it is. But, the enemy never gives up.
I hope that clears up what I was originally attempting to say.
Tee hee. I know that's what you meant. :)
No clarification needed!
Good I'm glad. I thought maybe I was being MISUNDERSTOOD... ;-)
NO, just me! LOL
Don't be sad, things will work out. Don't forget that God is with you wherever you go. I hope u are gonna be ok.
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