The End of an Addiction?

Do you have any addictions? I use that term very loosely and playfully in this post.... (I don't mean substance abuse, sex, gambling or any/all of the actual addictions, please forgive me if my playful use of the word addiction offends anyone, I just couldn't think of another word that would suffice) What I really mean is do you have certain things that are recurring weaknesses for you? Something that perhaps you do too much of, or buy too much of, or spend too much time or money on or thinking about? I know there are people with many different things that vie for their money, time, and attention. (chocolate, blogging, shopping, Starbucks, work, office-supplies etc...)

One of my biggest addictions is buying Bibles. It's nuts. I love Bibles. I love different translations. I love study Bibles. I love parallel Bibles. I love devotional Bibles. I love Bibles geared towards women. I love BIBLES. I have big ones, paperback ones, check-book sized ones, leather ones, hard-bound ones, ones with pretty covers, ones I have had since I was a young child, ones I have had for less than a week. What does one person need with so many Bibles? (I suppose there could be worse things than having Bible-addiction. LOL.) I finally found a Bible that I think is the right "fit" for me. Does that even make sense to anyone else? It is a journaling Bible. It has a soft leather cover with a long thin leather strap that you wrap around it to keep it closed. It is very comfortable and unpretentious, but unique nonetheless. It is the inside that I like most of all (kind of the point huh?). It isn't in my favorite translation, but that is OK. I like the margins. No, I love the margins. They are big and lined. PLENTY of room for me to take notes and to journal. I've never seen this Bible anywhere except this one little Christian store....and in my mind it was WAY over-priced...but then, in my mind, lots of things are. Every time I went in this store, I looked at this Bible. I wanted it. There was something about it that appealed to me in a way that was different that all of the other Bibles I already have or have seen. But I have talked myself out of it for about a year now. The other day I bought a book in this store and when I paid for it they gave me a $10.00 coupon for my next purchase. That plus a discount I already receive for working at a church, was just the incentive I needed to step out and buy that Bible. I DID IT. I bought it at the beginning of this week. I have already enjoyed it so much. I don't want to put it down. I want to continue reading it and writing in it, even when I need to be sleeping, or going back to work from lunch, or whatever. "I have hidden your word in my heart that I might not sin against you." Psalm 119:11 That's what I want. I know we cannot keep our heads tucked in a Bible all the time, we must be out sharing the Word with others. But I have never felt that I have spent enough time in the Word. I want it ingrained in my heart...etched into it!! This Bible has reignited my passion for God's Word and my study of it and change and growth because of it. I look forward to years and years of growth and journaling in this Bible. I have also made a commitment not to buy another for myself for a very long time!! I have all of them I could EVER possible need. In fact, I may send some of the ones that I do not use regularly to a ministry that sends them out into the world for those that do not have access to Bibles! They need to be USED and USED well.

Does anyone else have an addiction like mine of purchasing Bibles? If you have any fun ones or silly ones, share them with us. Don't be afraid. Just step up, state your name, and admit that you too have a problem. I certainly do. "Hi my name is Carlotta, and I buy Bibles..."

I LOVE LOVE!!

Max Lucado said, "Let God's love be enough for you. There are seasons when God allows us to feel the frailty of human love so we'll appreciate the strength of His."

I love that. There are all kinds of relational loves in our lives. Love between a man and a woman. Love between friends, family, fellow Christians, etc. And not a one of them is perfection. That's because we are all human, thus we tend to mess things up pretty regularly. But even when we are struggling with a mangled love between ourselves and any other human being...guess who is there, strong as ever? GOD. When our spouse says something that cuts us deeply and we don't understand their lack of tact and we question how they could be so hurtful (even when they don't see it)...God is there. He carries us through the spats and miscommunications with our mates. When our friend doesn't have time for us anymore because she has a new man in her life and it injures our heart...God is there. He is our constant friend and companion even when others lose sight of us. He is our pillar, our strength with love that never leaves, or fails, or injures. When our dad has never really been a real dad and has never seen the desperation we have for his love...God our Father is there with open and loving arms, strong enough to bear the burden of the deepest wounds. Sometimes, we see that the most clearly only when human love has failed us or has fallen short. I know that God would never cause any of those things to happen, but He does allow them and in so doing reveals the frailty of human love only to magnify the strength and depth of His perfect love.

I love LOVE. I really do. Love is an amazing gift. I SOOO love LOVE. All of it. I love love between a man and a woman. Parent and child. Friend and friend. Saved and lost. But especially the love my God has for me and the love I have for Him. Good grief...He is LOVE...

Is That a Broken Heart?

God is the ultimate healer. We are the ultimate wounded. We only need to admit that we are wounded and need to be healed and go to Him for it. But it only works if we go to Him. Sometimes, for many, that requires too much vulnerability. It is too hard to admit that we can't handle it ourselves. We have to check our pride at the door. Some simply refuse to do so. And they remain wounded...some are even bleeding to death on the inside.

As for me, I am healed. He's healed me of so many things. There are things over the years that I've brought to Him that I never thought could be healed...by anyone. (Silly me.) Most of the time, those things were matters of the heart---my biggest affliction. My biggest injuries and hurts in life have been directly tied to my heart. But God has healed my heart each time, not always on my time frame, but that's alright. Sometimes I have my heart so mangled that it takes quite some time for Him to work it all through. But He does it. I don't know how, but He does it. And He continues to not only heal me...but He continues to grow me stronger and deeper BECAUSE of those trials. Not only does He get me through it, He lifts me higher up each time. Pretty cool, if you ask me!

He got the opportunity to prove how thorough His healing truly is, this past weekend. His healing was tested...not on purpose, but tested nonetheless. What would have been potentially tricky for my heart in months past, turned out to not be scary, painful or traumatic, instead turned out to be healthy and fun and wonderful. It wasn't damaging and didn't rip my old wounds open. God healed me...fully. His handiwork was tested and proved. (Boy, does He love me!)

I have a necklace that is part of a line of Christian jewelry called Remember Me jewelry; it is a heart with a crooked line down the middle from the top to the bottom. It appears to be a broken heart. It isn't, though; it is a mended heart. A whole heart. It reminds the wearer (and those who ask about it), that God heals the broken hearted; He makes us whole again. That particular piece of jewelry is simply titled WHOLE. That's what He does with broken hearts and broken lives. Even when we've been ripped in two. I may still show the scar down the middle of my heart, but the scar helps me to remember how He has healed me and my heart.

I still love...and I love fully and very deeply. My heart doesn't know how to love without reckless abandon. But I like that about me. I really do. And I will stay that way until I take my last breath on this earth and I do not apologize for it. It is a part of how HE wired me. God can handle the healing, if needed. I trust Him with my heart.

Satan's Whispers

Have you ever damaged someone? It is hard to live through life without causing or receiving some damage. Many times---both. Sometimes we aren't even aware of damage that we inflict upon others. Yet, sometimes we are keenly aware. There are people that I have severely damaged. They aren't "in my life" anymore. That's how it often times goes when "significant" damage is done. It was not intentional. Even on my worst day...I would never intentionally hurt anyone. It's not in my nature. Even so, years ago, my selfish actions wreaked havoc on others. Those situations arose from my selfishness and out of my own damage. (It can be a vicious cycle.)

I recently heard about one of those people. Apparently their life isn't going well. My first instinct is to take the blame...thinking it is all about ME. Ha! (Talk about self-focused.) But then I took a step back, and I realized those thoughts were foolish. Satan wants me to feel responsible above and beyond what I am responsible for. Especially if it will hurt me and bind me up in guilt. I know that some of the hurt I caused may have spawned from damage done to me done by others...but I alone am responsible for my actions. I alone made those damaging choices. The original parties that hurt me WERE NOT RESPONSIBLE for MY choices and decisions to follow. We cannot pass the buck that way. Thus, I am not responsible for other's life choices, even after damage I may have caused. Each individual walking this earth is responsible for their own choices. But Satan would love for me to feel as though I were solely responsible. You see, he likes that chain to go unbroken.

I too have been damaged since those instances. Quite deeply. Yet, I choose to break the cycle each time it occurs. I refuse to hold anyone else responsible for my life or my choices going forward. The only one responsible for me is ME. I don't play the blame card as an excuse. I also release those people in forgiveness and grace. They need it and so do I. Not doing so causes further damage. I also don't carry around burdens that do not belong to me. I apologized profusely to those I that I had hurt, from a truly sorrowful heart. Some graciously granted me undeserved forgiveness. I repented of those behaviors and turned away from them once and for all. I know God has fully forgiven me. And so I moved on, wiser and less selfish in my actions, and aware of the ways that Satan will use my past to try to weigh me down. He tried recently to convince me that I am somehow responsible for decisions someone else is currently making several YEARS since I last spoke to them. I momentarily fell for it. I took all responsibility on my shoulders and became horribly saddened and guilt-ridden. But only for a moment. Then the Holy Spirit smacked me upside the head with reality. I am no more responsible for them than those who've hurt me are responsible for me. It just doesn't work that way, no matter how convenient an "OUT" that can be.

I don't know why I am sharing this with you , other than hoping that it will help you see too, the sneaky little ways Satan will come at us...even using our tender hearts against us. You may not have circumstances such as this. But you have others--other ways Satan will sneak up and blindside you. Be watchful of him. He is loose in our world and is wreaking havoc everywhere he goes. Open your eyes and ears to God's Spirit. He will guide you and your heart to wisdom and peace. Even to those of us like me, who least deserve it but are SO thankful for it!

Run Baby Run!

So many times I hear life and spirituality referred to as a race. I tend to like that. I come from a competitive, track and field background. So I relate well to those types of analogies. (And don't mistake the word race for being in a hurry per say....)

Who are you (we) racing against? Each other? No. I see it a few different ways.... Such as: Running away from sin, Satan, temptations, etc... OR: Running towards forgiveness, trust, faith, Christ and our eternity with Him. But in order to win a race you have to be properly equipped, in shape, and prepared. No exception here either.

Yet, I've noticed some racers who don't seem to understand the dynamics of racing. You have to be focused on your goal. You have to keep your mind and eyes on the finish line. You have to be light on your feet. Most racers wear extremely light weight clothing. Lycra, spandex, etc... You don't ever see one tromping around the track in a heavy sweater, denim jeans, and steel toed boots. Those things would impede their mobility and their speed. They would be totally weighed down. Yet, I see people dragging all kinds of things with them in their race. Things like: feelings of unworthiness, shame, guilt, past mistakes and pain etc... You name it; people are dragging it around with them. What's even more crazy is that in this race, the more people we can help to make it to the finish line with us, the better. Yet, how are we to lend a hand or help a fallen racer if our arms are full of the extremely heavy weights that we carry with us? We can't win the race ourselves like that and we surely can't help anyone else in our weighed-down condition. Doesn't make much sense, but I see it every single day.

If we want to be successful in our race (toward eternal life with Christ) then we should take a look at what we might be dragging around with us, that we absolutely do not need. Look for those things that are slowing you down, the things that are keeping you from helping others too. Then what??? Toss them behind you to that guy who is right on your heels. Not another racer... No I am talking about that guy directly behind you... you see him? He's close. Close enough to breathe down your neck. His name is Satan...and believe me he is there. Plus, he probably gave those heavy things to you in the first place. And I'd bet if you toss them back to him, you will be freed up to make some real strides in getting further and further away from him and his attempts to stall you. Think about it. It makes some sense. Think of God as your coach and His word as your water/Gatorade and training guide. Trust Him. Believe what He says about you. He is what you should be wearing--the clothing that moves with you and keeps you light on your feet. He is all you need. Don't stay weighed down with Satan, eventually tiring out and unable to finish. He will continue throwing things at you for you to carry, to keep you from helping others too.... No one says you have to catch anything that monster throws at you. Keep your head forward and run for your life. He will throw things the whole way and they will fall to the ground behind you and the only one tripping over them will be him. And if you keep your head facing forward, you will never see the stuff he's trying to throw at you in the first place. We don't start trying to catch that stuff until we start looking back.

That's the first thing my track coach taught me. DO NOT LOOK BACK. It slows you down, it distracts you, and it takes extra muscles and extra effort. It will cause you to lose ground.

How right Coach Abrams was. Think about it. Especially when you realize who it is running right behind you. Keep your eyes on God and lighten your load. Let go of your burdens. Trust in God and RUN BABY RUN!!! And tell all the other racers you see along the way. Help them too, you are on the same team after all!

Smothering Desperation

I have recently watched someone devastated by the ending of a relationship. (I've been there too. Perhaps you have as well.) It's hard to watch, especially when you can see it coming. I am certainly not able to see the future, but there are some things you can see coming from a mile away. I wonder if others saw it coming for me when it happened to me in my past. Not that it matters. That's not really my point here either.

I guess the point or question is, how do you keep from making another person SO critical in your life that you are utterly devastated if they leave your life? Do we just work really hard to keep people at bay? Do we build up walls? Do we never open up to anyone else? People should never be the number one priority in our lives because that is God's sacred position, I get that...but how do we deeply love another person without that competing with God's position? People get so intertwined with others so easily and so quickly that if the relationship ends they become devastated empty shells. I've been there and done it myself. More than once. Yet, we don't want to be jaded or so guarded that we are not able to let someone in deeply for fear of eventually losing them somehow. And how do we balance earthly love and never let that take the ultimate priority? It's tough for some people. It is tough for the young woman I watched recently get the breath knocked out of her when her boyfriend ended their relationship. She is one of those who so badly wants a husband that she smothers and nearly suffocates the people she dates. They eventually leave her because of that deep neediness and she is again left bewildered and hurting. I sometimes wonder if she would truly place God in that "be all end all" role, if dating would go more smoothly for her. From my perspective, it seems it would greatly help! Perhaps she wouldn't be so desperate for love, attention, and companionship, because she would get those things from God first and she wouldn't be beyond empty when the next guy comes along.

It made me sad to hear of this girl's situation, again. I see my "past-self" in her. It is hard to watch, knowing that I have been that girl too, many times! Since my last debacle in love last year I've worked very hard and have made sure to put God in His rightful position and that really helps to put all other things into proper perspective. Yes, things and people still hurt me and life still has its stings, but it truly changes the devastation levels when you know God loves you and that He will always take great care of you, no matter who comes and goes from your life. It keeps you from suffocating others. It keeps the desperation for love and companionship from consuming you. It keeps you from clinging to others for your happiness and for life. It creates healthier happier relationships in all aspects of life. I wish I had seen that in my past and I wish this lovely young woman who is so hurting right now could see it too. Smothering others and clinging to them for dear life will never work. It will never fill us up. No person on earth ever will. Once we leave that to God, relationships can then become AMAZING, FULFILLING, AND BEAUTIFUL.

Dear God, please comfort my friend who shall remain nameless here. You know who she is. You know her heart. You know her pain. You know her needs. I pray she turns ALL of her heart to you. I pray she sees her desperation and her habit of seeking her life fulfillment in earthly relationships. I pray she finds her earthly love once she fills her heart up with you first. I pray she finds great comfort in you and in those around her who care for her and want the best for her. Guard her heart going forward, but never let it become hardened to love. You designed us for relationship, let her find it in you AND in the man you designed just for her...in your perfect time. I bring this to you in the name of your Son, Jesus. Amen!

LIFE IS GOOD

In my previous post I mentioned several circumstances in my life that I am working through. There are about a handful of them right now. But that's normal in life right? Well, it seems that way for me. But that's alright. I am not distressed by them, just uncomfortable. And that's not necessarily a bad thing. So please, know that I am OK. I just want to work through these decisions and choices wisely. And I feel that I am. Also, I appreciate the concern, calls, emails, etc... I have received as well as the prayers. You guys are awesome.

In fact one of the circumstances worked itself out quite nicely and quite quickly. So, one down!! I like that.

Life is good. I am happy. I am blessed. Choices and options are a wonderful thing. I can't complain. I want to handle them with care and wisdom. And I am doing that, carefully and methodically and in God's care. Life is truly good, because He is so good.

What Happened To My Map?

The unknown is something that I've said here before that I truly dislike. I mean that mostly in regards to my life personally. It is human nature to have a plan and to like knowing where things are heading. I don't particularly like big gaps or unexpected detours on my road map. I like surprises, truly, a good surprise-party, or an unexpected admirer or something like that is OK. But what I don't like is the unknown: Having a road mapped out in your mind only to find that when you get a quarter of the way into your journey you find that your road led you to a huge chasm and on the other side of the chasm isn't simply the other side of your road. Instead you see forty-seven roads to choose from...or you see no road at all. I have a few of those situations in my life right at this very moment.

I don't like that--at all. You see, not only do you have forty-seven choices to work through...or NONE...you also have to figure out how to get across the chasm to make those choices or where to go if you have to turn back. I have a road in my life that I feel has led me to a chasm with no options on the other side. I also have a few roads that have led me to many other choices or options that I wasn't necessarily prepared to make and I also have to work on how to get over the chasm to make those choices. So...

What to do? What to do? I like choices and options and I am blessed to have them in the certain areas of life. I know this. BUT, I don't take life-decisions lightly...and these are life-decisions. These are not "what do I want to eat for dinner," or, "what am I going to wear today," decisions. They are critical. That creates a lot of pressure within me. And it is pressure that is only coming from within me. No person or situation is creating that pressure; it is internal.

So here I am staring at the unknown--the chasms in my life. Prayer, thought, wisdom, and time are needed to successfully maneuver through these places on my map that I never saw when I was initially plotting my journey. (sigh)

I know I am not alone. I have God!!! I also have an amazing family, many wonderful and insightful friends, and so much more. But truly when the choices have to be made...I alone make them. I continue to ask for your prayers, your encouragement and patience with me. This has been an incredibly blessed journey so far and I know the rest of the way will be too. I just can't see where the road is taking me in so many areas of my life and I remain...unsettled. The unknown continues to unsettle me and I don't like that, but I will not be paralyzed by it. I refuse to look at these choices and freeze with indecision. They are certainly not bigger than me. They do not tower over me. They will be overcome with purposeful intent backed by wisdom and desire to serve God fully in every single area of my life.

Please pray for me and know that I immensely appreciate it!!!