Pain --> Change

We change when the pain of not changing is greater than the fear of actually changing.

Have you ever been an enabler? I bet you have. I certainly have. Sometimes we don't recognize that we are enabling others. Sometimes we don't recognize that others are enabling us. But it happens all the time to all kinds of people. When we see a need for change within ourselves or others, usually that change will not take place until it becomes too painful for us or for them to live unchanged. Yet, sometimes we insulate others (or others insulate us) so much so, that change doesn't occur because the pain is being suppressed and is not experienced in full. This is what enabling means. And it is WRONG. But boy how we justify it. We don't want the other person to feel pain. We want to protect the other person from discomfort. We go overboard by sugar-coating everything. There are so many "good" reasons we have for enabling others. But if we truly care about someone, we have to let them experience the pain and/or discomfort that is needed to create the much needed change. If that which remains unchanged is damaging to that person or to others, change is needed.

I have used this line and have heard it used many times by others, "This is just the way I am." I have even had people blame the way they are on God saying, "God made me the way I am," I suppose that implies no need for change. I don't buy that anymore than the lines I have used. I will reiterate my thought, if something about us causes damage to ourselves or others, change is needed. Excuses are abundant when we need them. But change is healthy and it is necessary for all of us.

I am reading a couple of books focusing on similar topics of truth, change, boundaries, healthy confrontation, and the like... And in one of them I saw that quote above and it made me laugh because of how many times I've used it on others, yet in the same breath, I was enabling them to NOT change. Dealing with others in truth with love, often times means withdrawing the insulation of enabling them. Initially, this can mean some pain and discomfort for all involved, but that is the pain that promotes growth and change. The times I have grown significantly typically followed at period of discomfort and pain. Many times these things occurred when others stopped enabling me and my actions/behaviors.

Communicating with grace and love is key. One without the other can be problematic. Communicating with all grace and no truth, enables. Communicating with all truth and no grace is very damaging. I am reading about learning very key concepts on how to do both. I tend to lean more to one of these concepts than the other and need to find the balance. I am working through that. My goal is to be able to have deep, honest, healthy relationships in all aspects of my life: as a parent, a friend, a daughter, a sister, a coworker etc... I am learning to implement wise boundaries that are biblically based. All of these themes co-mingle and in studying them I am learning so much. I can't wait to see how these principles improve my parenting, friendships, work life, and more!

I love learning. I am ready for some change!