Can it be done???
I heard the quote today that "it is not the things that we did do that we regret so much as the things we didn't do but should have." I have plenty of things in my life that I do regret doing--we all do. But in contrast, my biggest regrets are the things I simply didn't do/wouldn't do. The things I thought I was too weak to do. The things I was too afraid to say. The things that I didn't have enough faith to step out and attempt. The things I was too fearful to stand up for. The things that I knew that I simply couldn't do or put off until it was too late to do them. That is something God is working out in me. It has been a recurring theme in my life lately. I can't seem to escape it. And as I usually do, I share with you guys (whoever you all may be) what I am learning or going through because I know that many of us have the same struggles and battles and sometimes we don't realize or believe that others may be dealing with them too.
I do not want to look back on my life and know that God placed something in my path or in my heart and that I didn't follow through on because of my lack of ability or my lack of faith/trust. The problem with me is that sometimes I focus way too much on ME. I have failed before and I constantly remind myself of those failings. I relive them over and over in my mind--only to push myself further and further down. I have failed so miserably on so many occasions. I have crashed and burned in SO many areas of my life. I have been blinded by those things. I have USED those failures to hold myself back the next time something else comes along. I fear failing AGAIN. It is one of my biggest fears. It has paralyzed me at times. But on some occasions, I have really pumped myself up and reinforced within myself that 'I am able, I am capable, I can do this!!!!' and when I do that I get all bold and brave and I jump...and fail. Then I look up from the ground where I lay bleeding, thinking, "What the heck happened???" "Why didn't that work? Why didn't God bless me? Why didn't God make that happen the way it should have?" Well, if you looked at what I said before, those attempts have been MY attempts, MY risks, MY efforts. I never said, "God I know that YOU can do this, God YOU are able, YOU are capable and I trust in YOU, not ME." Many many times, I put it all on me and expect God to be the back-up. Does that sound as wrong to you as it does to me??? Use God as BACK-UP?! MOST TIMES those things didn't go well for me. Why can't I get the focus off of me? On my own...I will most times fail. I am just not that good. I am not that capable. I am not that strong, wise, or able. I know this full well. But when I enlist my Father, FULLY, those challenges can be met and won beautifully, bringing blessing to Him, to others and to me...but only because it is Him--not me and the glory should go to Him not me, so that I do not boast that it was me.
Yesterday, a challenge arose for me. I had a moment in a meeting where I knew I needed to speak up and take a risk. It was something I had been internally battling for quite some time. However, I didn't think it was "in MY best interest" for me to speak up. I thought it was too risky. I feared what others would think of me. But it was something that had been burning in my heart, kept me from sleeping, something I couldn't mentally leave alone. So, prodded by God I believe, I took a deep breath asked God to do it for me but through me) and in a big meeting I opened my big mouth and let the words come. I exposed that struggle, my heart, my concerns, my lack of understanding, and my related disapproval of some things I was seeing in ministry. Since I work in ministry, I felt that voicing all of that was quite risky for me among my peers, my boss, and for my employment in general....which is part of why I battled it so long. God is funny about not letting you escape something He wants you to learn and work through and grow from. I couldn't get rid of these concerns and struggles. He knew that. He placed them there. He also has been begging me to trust Him, to let go of being in control, to let Him handle my life, to jump off the symbolic cliffs of risk when He brings me to them...not relying on my own abilities or track record (because they will not hold me up), but relying on HIS abilities and track record, knowing that I can soar on HIS wings, but certainly not mine.
He taught me a lot yesterday. Trusting Him and speaking up in spite of the perceived risk brought a wonderful conversation to life. I was changed and my viewpoint was greatly shifted. I was greatly helped and so were others because I trusted Him to speak through me and to use me. In so doing, I grew!
He's really bringing some amazing things to life in and around me. He's teaching me to see through a different scope. He's showing me that my view and vision is flawed and tainted by my weaknesses and my past failures. He's teaching me how to see things and to see possibilities and hope for change through HIS power, not my insistence on being in control.
What is He working on in YOU? Care to share?
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August 3, 2008, I will preach at my church for the first time. Like you, I have a past dotted with failure and sin, and I really have no "right" to be speaking there or anywhere else. But, He finally made me understand that His message HAD to be delivered to our church. He made me understand that it was not about me, but about Him and those who needed to hear and understand. He made me FULLY understand, "I can do ALL things through Christ who strengthens me." Doing what I will be doing will be easy for me, because He has bid me come to walk on the water, even though I know I cannot do it. But what I saw was a fisherman who did walk on water, albeit for only few steps. Peter did this by Faith. Later, Peter made more mistakes, repented, was forgiven, got back up, pressed on, and became part of those who changed the world for Christ. If I look back, I will fear, and I will fail. But, if I look steadily at Him and have Faith, He will give me the victory, and He will grow my Faith and give me more of His power. And I want to be used by Him, even though I never thought I could or would.
I refuse to view my future through the prism of my past failures. They were my failure, not His. He will give me His strength and His power, and with that, I cannot fail. His strength and power given to me, what a wonderful thought. I see the future today through His eyes, not mine, and believe me, that vision is superior and one I can have faith in. Why He wants to use me will always remain a mystery, but I WILL tee it up and play for Him.
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