Smothering Desperation

I have recently watched someone devastated by the ending of a relationship. (I've been there too. Perhaps you have as well.) It's hard to watch, especially when you can see it coming. I am certainly not able to see the future, but there are some things you can see coming from a mile away. I wonder if others saw it coming for me when it happened to me in my past. Not that it matters. That's not really my point here either.

I guess the point or question is, how do you keep from making another person SO critical in your life that you are utterly devastated if they leave your life? Do we just work really hard to keep people at bay? Do we build up walls? Do we never open up to anyone else? People should never be the number one priority in our lives because that is God's sacred position, I get that...but how do we deeply love another person without that competing with God's position? People get so intertwined with others so easily and so quickly that if the relationship ends they become devastated empty shells. I've been there and done it myself. More than once. Yet, we don't want to be jaded or so guarded that we are not able to let someone in deeply for fear of eventually losing them somehow. And how do we balance earthly love and never let that take the ultimate priority? It's tough for some people. It is tough for the young woman I watched recently get the breath knocked out of her when her boyfriend ended their relationship. She is one of those who so badly wants a husband that she smothers and nearly suffocates the people she dates. They eventually leave her because of that deep neediness and she is again left bewildered and hurting. I sometimes wonder if she would truly place God in that "be all end all" role, if dating would go more smoothly for her. From my perspective, it seems it would greatly help! Perhaps she wouldn't be so desperate for love, attention, and companionship, because she would get those things from God first and she wouldn't be beyond empty when the next guy comes along.

It made me sad to hear of this girl's situation, again. I see my "past-self" in her. It is hard to watch, knowing that I have been that girl too, many times! Since my last debacle in love last year I've worked very hard and have made sure to put God in His rightful position and that really helps to put all other things into proper perspective. Yes, things and people still hurt me and life still has its stings, but it truly changes the devastation levels when you know God loves you and that He will always take great care of you, no matter who comes and goes from your life. It keeps you from suffocating others. It keeps the desperation for love and companionship from consuming you. It keeps you from clinging to others for your happiness and for life. It creates healthier happier relationships in all aspects of life. I wish I had seen that in my past and I wish this lovely young woman who is so hurting right now could see it too. Smothering others and clinging to them for dear life will never work. It will never fill us up. No person on earth ever will. Once we leave that to God, relationships can then become AMAZING, FULFILLING, AND BEAUTIFUL.

Dear God, please comfort my friend who shall remain nameless here. You know who she is. You know her heart. You know her pain. You know her needs. I pray she turns ALL of her heart to you. I pray she sees her desperation and her habit of seeking her life fulfillment in earthly relationships. I pray she finds her earthly love once she fills her heart up with you first. I pray she finds great comfort in you and in those around her who care for her and want the best for her. Guard her heart going forward, but never let it become hardened to love. You designed us for relationship, let her find it in you AND in the man you designed just for her...in your perfect time. I bring this to you in the name of your Son, Jesus. Amen!

LIFE IS GOOD

In my previous post I mentioned several circumstances in my life that I am working through. There are about a handful of them right now. But that's normal in life right? Well, it seems that way for me. But that's alright. I am not distressed by them, just uncomfortable. And that's not necessarily a bad thing. So please, know that I am OK. I just want to work through these decisions and choices wisely. And I feel that I am. Also, I appreciate the concern, calls, emails, etc... I have received as well as the prayers. You guys are awesome.

In fact one of the circumstances worked itself out quite nicely and quite quickly. So, one down!! I like that.

Life is good. I am happy. I am blessed. Choices and options are a wonderful thing. I can't complain. I want to handle them with care and wisdom. And I am doing that, carefully and methodically and in God's care. Life is truly good, because He is so good.

What Happened To My Map?

The unknown is something that I've said here before that I truly dislike. I mean that mostly in regards to my life personally. It is human nature to have a plan and to like knowing where things are heading. I don't particularly like big gaps or unexpected detours on my road map. I like surprises, truly, a good surprise-party, or an unexpected admirer or something like that is OK. But what I don't like is the unknown: Having a road mapped out in your mind only to find that when you get a quarter of the way into your journey you find that your road led you to a huge chasm and on the other side of the chasm isn't simply the other side of your road. Instead you see forty-seven roads to choose from...or you see no road at all. I have a few of those situations in my life right at this very moment.

I don't like that--at all. You see, not only do you have forty-seven choices to work through...or NONE...you also have to figure out how to get across the chasm to make those choices or where to go if you have to turn back. I have a road in my life that I feel has led me to a chasm with no options on the other side. I also have a few roads that have led me to many other choices or options that I wasn't necessarily prepared to make and I also have to work on how to get over the chasm to make those choices. So...

What to do? What to do? I like choices and options and I am blessed to have them in the certain areas of life. I know this. BUT, I don't take life-decisions lightly...and these are life-decisions. These are not "what do I want to eat for dinner," or, "what am I going to wear today," decisions. They are critical. That creates a lot of pressure within me. And it is pressure that is only coming from within me. No person or situation is creating that pressure; it is internal.

So here I am staring at the unknown--the chasms in my life. Prayer, thought, wisdom, and time are needed to successfully maneuver through these places on my map that I never saw when I was initially plotting my journey. (sigh)

I know I am not alone. I have God!!! I also have an amazing family, many wonderful and insightful friends, and so much more. But truly when the choices have to be made...I alone make them. I continue to ask for your prayers, your encouragement and patience with me. This has been an incredibly blessed journey so far and I know the rest of the way will be too. I just can't see where the road is taking me in so many areas of my life and I remain...unsettled. The unknown continues to unsettle me and I don't like that, but I will not be paralyzed by it. I refuse to look at these choices and freeze with indecision. They are certainly not bigger than me. They do not tower over me. They will be overcome with purposeful intent backed by wisdom and desire to serve God fully in every single area of my life.

Please pray for me and know that I immensely appreciate it!!!

Competing for my heart...

Can anything compete with God? I mean nothing is bigger, stronger, wiser, more powerful than God right? God, Jesus, and the Holy Spirit. ONE. The trinity. The ultimate. Nothing can conquer God. Nothing at all.

Yet there are things in our lives that compete with God...and WIN. Not because God can't overcome them, but because we allow them to take precedence over Him in our lives. It happens all the time. Even to wonderful, faithful, Christian people. It happens to me.

What is competing with God in your life? Is it your career? Is it the "love of your life"? Your home, your car, your family, your friends? Money? What is it that takes up most of the space in your thoughts throughout your day? Gas prices? Ha!

God wants to be everything to you. I hear people who constantly talk about this or that thing ALL the time. What you spend the most time doing, the most time thinking about, and the most time talking about really reveals what takes the highest position in your life. What we talk about most is very revealing. From the overflow of the heart, the mouth speaks. What is it that you talk most about? Yourself? Your girlfriend? Your job? Your kid? Food? Your body? What is it?

I know we cannot be fully functioning human beings if we do not speak of anything other than God. I know we have to think about accounting if that is our job. We have to be focused when helping our children with schoolwork. We have to eat, sleep, and work. BUT we all know what I am truly talking about. We are designed to be in relationship with God. FULLY. Daily. Without ceasing and without demoting Him when something else catches our fancy. If some of my girlfriends talked about Jesus the way they do about their boyfriends (ahhh, new love...hey, I've been that way too) then thousands of lost souls would come to Christ! Why are so many other things taking God's place in our lives? No one is immune to this. Certainly not me.

I am in love. Deeply. God is my life source. My life line. My life. I want to reflect that in my words, my actions, my behaviors, in the activities I choose to do or the ones I choose to eliminate. I want to choose Him over all else. I want Him to never be jealous of anything else in my life that may seem to take precedence.

Who/what does my life reflect that I love most? What does your life reflect as your BIGGEST love??? Something to think about.

Love-Pain

Consequences. Does that word evoke good feelings within you? Me either. Yet, they've been a life-line to me. Consequences when "learned from" bring correction to behavior that is harmful. I know the power and effectiveness of consequences in my life. They started from my parents when I was a child and today they are provided by life and are allowed by my God.

As much as my God loves me and protects me, He does not shield me from the consequences of my actions and choices. Why not??? He forgives and He loves me, but why let me get burned and endure painful things? Well, it is because He loves me. Real love isn't always keeping the other person "pain free". Many of life's most valuable lessons are only learned when pain is involved. At least that is my perspective.

There have been many consequences I have suffered in life. Many as a child and many as an adult. Some consequences never go away, they stay with you as a reminder. Those are tough...but WOW, are they effective!

I have a two and a half year old. She is at the age and stage where she is testing the waters, as every child does. She is learning. She is developing an understanding of what is acceptable and what is not. She is observing what gets rise out of people and what doesn't. She is learning how to interact with others every day in a more and more complex way. This is challenging for a parent. She is not one of those quiet, shy, reserved little ones. She is bursting at the seams with personality, excitement, and strong will. She is a blast and is a strong leader already. I LOVE that about her, but that is also very challenging for me. But because I love her I have to allow her to experience the consequences of her behaviors. How else will she truly learn? It isn't going to happen because I tell her if you do this, then this will happen. Talking about it, is good, but that ALONE, is futile. I know this. But talking about it coupled with quick and effective consequence creates IMPACT. She requires more "impact" than others. And while that impact is hard for me to administer as a mother, I do it anyway. Because I love her. I would rather be uncomfortable and have her learn how to behave and how to interact appropriately with those around her than to be comfortable and not discipline her and see/experience how disruptive her life becomes over the years--AND how unhappy that will make her and everyone around her. Sounds so logical and easy. Well, it is not. It is hard to be the bad guy. It is hard to lay down the law. It is hard to put a halt to bad behavior and create tears in the eyes of the little one that you so love. It is hard and painful. But it is required for her to learn and for her to grow and for her to be protected as she goes forward in life.

God feels the same way about us. He doesn't get a sick pleasure out of disciplining us or allowing us to experience the full impact of our consequences. It must be hard for Him too to see our tears and to witness our pain. But He loves us and like parents do, He does what is "hard" in order to help us grow and learn how to live in a way where we will endure less unnecessary pain and anguish as we learn. That is what we do for those we love. We allow the consequences in order to promote a better life, a fuller life, and more protected life. He is our father and He behaves as such.

Consequences, not the most cheerful word, but each consequence blesses us, and as we hopefully learn from them, we endure fewer and fewer of them. That's kind of the point really. It is the point when my little one experiences her consequences, the goal is by experiencing them NOW, she will have fewer of them down the road. That is what God wants for us too.

Thankfully, it is working that way in my life. Finally. I am thankful for it and I know God is glad too. He loves me and hates to see me hurting. So,we are both quite pleased with the results of my consequences. It's a beautiful thing!

The Booby-Prize?

I have so many things swirling around in my head that I'd like to write about but no one thing is jumping out as a top priority. Usually when I write it is because something is in me that HAS to come out. Right now I have a handful of things like that but not one of them is pushing and shoving and jumping to the front of the line. So I am left trying to sort out my thoughts and determine what I want/need to write first.

So here goes, I am just going to let the words flow, hopefully, from a divine source, instead of from me:

I went to church on Mother's Day with my parents. We attended their church. I really enjoyed seeing people I hadn't seen in many years. I enjoyed being with my parents. I enjoyed what the preacher spoke about. It has lingered with me since Sunday.

He simply presented the story of Leah.
Many times, Leah is more of a side-note than the focus of the story. Jacob LOVED her sister Rachel. If you read the story...it is a deep PASSION this man has for beautiful Rachel. He agreed to work 7 years for her father to get Rachel as his wife. Rachel was stunningly beautiful. Jacob would have done ANYTHING to be with Rachel. And he did. After those seven years of laboring for Rachel's father, he was married, but only to find that he was given the "wrong" sister. It was Leah, not Rachel. He did not want Leah. He wanted Rachel. He loved Rachel. He would do anything for Rachel. But Leah? Uh, no thanks! Rachel was the treasured prize, but Leah was the booby-prize. Imagine what it must have been like to be Leah. How must that have felt? Eventually Jacob was able to "obtain" Rachel as well. What a relief for Jacob. His true love. His beautiful one. The story goes on and on of Leah taking last place in her husband's eyes and heart. She bore him many children. But she grew closer to God along her journey. But always was the "unwanted" one. The scraps. Have any of you ever felt that way? Have you ever spent years desiring to be "seen" and "loved" by someone, only to feel invisible, unseen, and unwanted? I know many of us have. I know many readers here who have. I have. Many of my friends have. Whether it was a parent whose love you could never obtain, or a male or female you loved but were never loved in return. MANY of us know the pain and suffering of feeling "unwanted" and unseen. It is painful and sometimes can leave permanent damage.

But if you watch/read closely the story of Leah, she grew more content, closer to her God, and more and more accepting of her place in life. And God saw it! He knew. He saw what no one else could see. He saw the beauty in Leah. And He blessed her. Did you realize that it was through HER son Judah's lineage, that Christ came? She was also with whom Jacob, her husband, chose to be buried. Not with Rachel...which was actually a closer location at the time of his death than where Leah was buried. But he was buried with Leah. Perhaps even in the end Jacob finally saw her true value and depth and in death chose to be placed with her. But WOW, to be the mother of the lineage of Christ??? NOT Rachel...the beautiful one, but Leah the "unwanted".

God sees all that we are, all that we endure, all of the growth that happens in shoes like Leah's and He will bless us if we hold fast, remain faithful, and continue to draw near to Him. I think that in the end, I'd prefer to play the role of Leah. It's not an easy role, but the easy role is not always the most blessed, as this story so eloquently illustrates.

I've felt like Leah before in my life with people I deeply loved who never saw my true value and beauty and left me...unloved and unwanted. And it stung, it hurt, it damaged my heart. But God sees. HE knows. And He blesses me now and will continue blessing me down the road. That goes for each of you reading this who are walking or have walked in shoes like Leah's. Have faith. Remain steadfast. HE SEES YOU! And He WILL bless you in His way and in His time.

Unsettled

I am unsettled. Am I the only one who gets this way from time to time? Not just in general, but spiritually speaking?

I am not sure, but I think that when this happens it is a stirring from the Holy Spirit. He/It (whatever we call it) never allows me to get too comfortable where I am spiritually. That's a good thing. We should always be growing. We should never be satisfied with the status quo. That's the place I currently find myself. I know that God expects more of me. I know He blessed me with more than I am using. I'd say at least twice a year, sometimes more, I come to these spiritual places in my life where I know He is trying to get my attention and use me or change me in some way. My path usually begins changing during these times. Sometimes that is a visible/tangible change, sometimes it is all completely internal.

This time, I don't know yet what will transpire. I just feel an intense stirring within my soul that He wants more from me right now. I don't know what that means, how it should be fleshed out, or what kind of changes that means. When I don't know where things are going, I feel unsettled. I really deplore that feeling. I like the KNOWN. I am super uncomfortable with the UNKNOWN. But yet again, that is where I find myself.

I don't really know what the point of this post is, or what the purpose of sharing that with you all is exactly, other than to perhaps request your prayers for His will for this time in my life to be revealed in crystal clarity. I SOOO want to live my life exactly as me wants me to. I want to know what He desires from me. I want to exceed His expectations. Please pray that I am open, receptive, and ready to go wherever He is leading this time around.

I am apprehensive, unsettled, and yet excited, because I know every time He has stirred me, it turns out to be an awesome experience once it begins to take shape and blossoms into what He had desired.

Do you guys have these biannual, quarterly, monthly, weekly, whatever they are...life-changing, pull the rug out from beneath you times where God is pulling you into new territory?? If you do, is it as exciting and tumultuous as it is for me? If you don't...maybe you should adjust your antennae and receptors. His plan for you/His will for you will not allow you to stagnate or become complacent or comfortable. That is just His way... Watch for Him, be quiet enough to hear His call, be open enough to sense Him tugging at you. He will. Then follow where He leads, even if it is unsettling and new. It will amaze you where He will take you if you let go and hold on tightly to Him as He leads you down His path...wherever new territory it may lead you to.

Recovery: Update

Who'd have thought this would be so hard? I guess if I had got online and really researched this I would have had a better idea of what to expect. But I'd have just thought all of those people were weenie's. Just being honest. But here's the deal: getting your tonsils out as an adult is really really difficult. Not whining, just stating the facts.
I am coming along, very thankful for my pain medication and thankful for my family and friends and their kindness and prayers.
I'd have lost my mind without both the meds and my loved ones.
The swelling has gone done enough to where breathing isn't a scary challenge anymore and I am not fearful of suffocating in my sleep. Whew!
The pain is now managed for the most by the medication...mostly. Until I try to swallow something. YIKES!!!
I hope to go back to work tomorrow...maybe a half day or something. Not sure yet. Depends on many things. Driving/pain meds/strength/etc.
Hey, this surgery has proven to be an effective dieting tool. LOL. Lost six pounds in one week. Lovely.
Anyway, I am still alive, but still recovering. Sigh. Time and patience and lots of prayer and a few more days of this and I should be coming out of it! Woo hoo!
Someday I will be so glad I did this...today is not that day.
Love you all.

Prayer Request

Just a quick request for prayers. I am having surgery tomorrow morning to have my tonsils removed. I am a bit nervous. I know it will all be OK, but prayers are welcomed and certainly appreciated for it to go smoothly and for a speedy recovery.

Thanks you guys!!
C

Unzipping YOU

All of the things we have experienced in our lives help us to determine what God has called us to do. Each of us are "called" and have a very specific purpose designed by God. But what is YOUR calling/purpose? Sometimes it's easier to float along and see what happens than to seek out your purpose. Some say, "I have no idea what God's calling is for my life," yet they don't go any further than that statement in figuring it out. But He has given us each gifts, talents, passions, and specific life experiences which all lead to what He called each of us to do individually.

Why are we content to just float along on the breeze? I don't want to stand face to face with God as He "unzips" His creation called Carlotta, to show me all of the things that He purposefully placed within me to use for His kingdom, only to discover those things were UNUSED. I don't want to Him to show me how He intricately designed me for a very specific purpose and I never made the effort to discover what that was and it simply went unaccomplished. I am here in this time and place for a divine purpose. You are too. Do you know what your calling or your specific purpose is?? You have one. Each and every person does. How many people do you think are living theirs out, fully?? Of the few that are, do you think they are because they just are out there floating on the breeze of life or do you think they took a deeper look? God wired you the way He did for a reason. God allowed circumstances in your life for a purpose. God instilled certain gifts and talents and passions within you for His divine plan. What are you actively doing with your wiring, your gifts, your experiences? They are all meant to be used for His glory.

I am in active pursuit of what exactly God designed for me to be doing in this life for Him. This life isn't about me. It's not about you. It is about HIM. I've got to stop seeing me and my plans and my selfishness and seek His plans, His goals, and His divine purpose for Carlotta. He took the effort to design a purpose and a plan for me to impact His kingdom. He didn't do that because He was bored and didn't have anything else going on. He did it because there are certain ways that only I can impact this world! Did you read that? There is only one Carlotta. Thus, there are ways that no one else can impact this world for Him, but ME. The same is true of YOU. And if you don't discover His purpose for you, those things will go UNDONE. I don't want that to happen. I'm sure you don't either.

Take some time to evaluate your wiring, your skills, your gifts, and your past experiences. They are all a part of His intricate design for your purpose. There are things that you are passionate about. Why? God placed that within you!!! These things are not mere coincidence. They are purposefully placed inside of you to help you discover your calling and your purpose. They are not random pieces to an insignificant puzzle. They are divine pieces of an eternal plan. Actively pursue the discovery of your purpose and then jump in and live it with all that you are!

(Here's a great resource book: Chazown by Craig Groeschel)

That's Why That's In There...

"You give and take away. Blessed be Your Name!" Job 1:21
That is scripture. That is also a verse in one of my favorite songs. I am finding it easier to live that out as situations arise and I somehow live through each of them and find myself blessed at the end of each one.

"My Father! If it is possible, let this cup of suffering be taken away from Me. Yet I want Your will to be done. Not mine." Matthew 26:39

How many times have we read the "story" of Jesus' life? First, it is more than a story. It occurred. Second, it seems the content of His prayer to His Father just before His capture and death doesn't get as much attention as it could/should. (Matt 26:39) His prayer reflects His humanness. He is SO real. Just like you and me. Truly. He isn't exactly excited about being crucified. He goes to His father and basically says, 'Please if there is ANY OTHER WAY, let's do that! But, Your will be done.' It's the second part of that statement, that gets the most attention, but the first part endears Him even more to me because it reminds me how human He really was. He was a man, flesh and blood. He didn't want to have to go through that horrific ordeal. I wouldn't either. I cannot fathom KNOWING that was GOING TO happen to me. Crucifixions were gruesome and gory. Human mutilation and torture--pure and simple. I know how I get when I know something unpleasant is coming my way...it drives me nuts! But I've never seen gruesome and gory coming for me. But just like the rest of us, He asks God to take that away from Him. He wanted whatever could be done differently, to be done differently if that was at all possible. I would too. I'd have begged and pleaded. I'd have come up with my own ideas and alternatives. ANYTHING but THAT! I am sure Jesus felt that way too, as the human He was. But then, we get our example and model: "But YOUR will be done". (Sigh.) He knew. He knew there was no other way.

Of all the things in scripture that help me to know and believe that He understands me and that He knows and fully understands what it is like to be here and to be truly scared and to be prayerful that things go a different way than they are...any other way, it is that prayer! HE GETS IT!!!!
Thank you God for putting that scripture into Your Word. I need it to be there.

He understands...more than anyone. He has been there and He's been through much worse. But He trusted in God's authority and plan. He knew that as hard as it would be, that God was in control and that it would certainly be worth the pain and anguish. That understanding is transferable to us too. Think about it.

Are you REALLY there?

It's always the small things, the seemingly insignificant things in my life that become the most cherished. Does it work that way for you too? Sure the exotic vacations were great and the big events have their moments. But the day-to-day things are the ones that always end up most deeply ingrained in my heart.

No one throws a party or takes out a billboard when my daughter says her prayers, but every time she does, I melt and I cherish it. It doesn't make the evening news when a good friend or loved one sees me struggling and simply and quietly gives me a hug that says, "I care, and everything is going to be alright". Sitting and talking and laughing with the people in my life become the moments I treasure. Hours, days, and even years later, I can see their faces and smiles, hear their laughter, and relive those times. They didn't make the cover of the paper, but those moments are priceless to me.

Does life ever get so busy or hectic or routine that you don't even realize where the time is going? It is going! Going very quickly. And if we don't take the time to treasure it, to relish it: it will be gone. Live in the moment. When you are with your children or friends or family...be in that moment with them, not just in physical capacity, but in heart and mind and spirit. Cherish them. Don't be somewhere else mentally. Don't be thinking of your business work load, or about what's going on in your love life, or lack thereof. Don't be mentally running through your finances or economic troubles. Don't be pacifying people with your presence if you are not going to really be there in heart. And don't think it has to be a big event or happening. Watch your child play. Stop and watch them play. Better yet, play with them. Don't always be scurrying about getting things done and wake up one day with a grown child whose precious moments you wasted away on the computer, on the phone, cleaning house, fussing over bills, or whatever it is that you are doing. We are trading precious moments in the lives of those we love for minutia. We are. I know I am. And I certainly am not saying to let your responsibilities get away from you. Not at all. But merely to focus and make a real effort to be in the moment, every moment with those you love. It goes so quickly, and you never know when your last moment with that person may be. You never know when your last moment may be. Drink life in! Relish and treasure the little moments in life. They are truly the most meaningful and most precious. Watch for them. They look mundane on the surface. They will elude you if you don't watch for them. Catch them and soak them up deep into your heart. You will be glad you did!

The Passing of the Baton

There have been a lot of people in my world lately taking time to stop and reflect on their lives. Yes, it has come in the wake of Vanessa's death (see post below). Anyone who lived a life as full as hers and as in love with Christ as hers can't help but cause us to take a closer look at our own lives. I read one blogger say that because of Vanessa, she was going to really go forward and shine! Another spoke of living out her dreams instead of just dreaming them. I wonder when I die, if my life will inspire such wonderful things? Sadly, if it came today, I doubt it would.

The biggest thing I took from Vanessa's life was exactly what knowledge of and relationship with Christ LOOKS like lived out. She knew Him intimately. She was completely changed by Him. She reflected Him to others...ANYONE who came remotely near her felt...HIM.

That is what I want my life to radiate. Christ!! Not me. I want others to know that He has changed me at the very core. He took me, forgave unforgivable things, cleaned me up, loved me like no one else ever has, has stayed loyal to me and stayed by my side every moment. NO ONE else has ever loved me that way. He accepted me when I was COMPLETELY unacceptable. He never once treated me as though I were not good enough. He loved me...the real me. The real me that thankfully ONLY He truly knows...and He loved me and accepted me anyway. Vanessa lived that way too. She illustrated the heart of Christ. She knew what He'd done in her life and she freely gave that love, compassion and acceptance to others. Forgiveness. Am I able to grant it to those who don't deserve it? I can now. He showed me how...up close and personal. Can I accept those that are just plain unacceptable. I can now. He showed me, using myself as an example. Can I be compassionate to those who are hardest to give it to, but need it the most? I can. He did that for me as well. Vanessa lived those things as well and it showed in her life and in her treatment of others. Christ's love changed her. And so she showed that love to others. Was she perfect? No. But the one thing she did exceedingly well was showing Christ to all that came into contact with her...and especially to those who needed it the most. She had a way of really seeing those that were truly searching for Him in this cruel world. In her, they saw Him. In her, they felt Him. In her, they were pointed to Him.

That is what I want to take from Vanessa's example. That's the biggest, most prominent challenge she presented to me in her departure from this life. Carlotta-are you giving them Christ? Can they FEEL Him through you? Does your life draw them closer to Him? Can they see your transformation because of Him and KNOW that they can have that too? Are you radiating Christ? Are you a walking talking illustration of the love of Christ and the amazing life He has so freely blessed you with? Radiate Christ in all that you do. Let them SEE Him in you. Let them HEAR Him in you. Let them FEEL Him in you. And show them that they too can be saved from this life and can walk closely with Him too. Be His example to them. Be the billboard of Christ's love. Vanessa truly was all of that and I so loved that about her! I want to see people like she did...like Christ does. I want them to FEEL His love through ME! I want to start right now. That was her greatest legacy. What could be greater? She passed the baton...

Are you willing to take it? I am. I AM!

An Angel Gone Home

Vanessa Whitwell, 34, beloved by her family and endeared to all, fell peacefully into the loving embrace of her Lord and Savior Jesus Christ on Sunday, April 6, 2008 due to a brain hemorrhage.
Vanessa was born May 9, 1973 in Waco, Texas. She was raised in and around the HEB area and attended Trinity High School in Euless, Texas. After graduating from high school in 1991, Vanessa received a B.S. in Psychology from the University of North Texas in 1996.
Vanessa’s true gift of music influenced her early career choices, but her heart for God drove her to the ministry. Utilizing her superior singing voice, she toured with Sierra, a contemporary Christian singing group in 1999. Completing that tour, she returned to the Dallas/Ft. Worth area and answered a call to work at Fellowship Church in Grapevine, Texas. While on staff at Fellowship, Vanessa initially worked in the creative arts department, helping to facilitate worship with her beautiful singing voice; however, her influence expanded during her nine year tenure to a variety of areas within the church including women’s ministry, resources, conferences and events.
Vanessa approached her relationships with a sincere kindness and with a genuine heart for those in need. Known as an encourager and a consummate cheerleader, Vanessa lived with a passionate ferocity for life spreading joy and laughter along the way. She had a strong faith that dictated her choices, and sense of self that empowered all who came in contact with her.
Vanessa will be dearly missed by her loving husband, Andy Whitwell; her parents, Hugh and Lisa Hunt and Myrna Hunt; her sisters, Leslie, Loryn, and Haylee Hunt; her grandmother, Polly Hunt and grandparents, Mr. and Mrs. George Blackwood; along with numerous aunts, uncles and cousins.

Wasn't My Idea...

There are things that arise in our lives that we need to do or are called to do that we simply do not want to do. We always have our reasons, right? I do. Right now, I am right in the middle of something like that. Life is full of change. Most people are resistant to change. I am not...not usually. I like to change things up. I like things to be different and not grow stale. I like to mix it up. I like change...most of the time. Not today though.

I am struggling with some changes in my life. I do not like the direction several things are going. Things that I do not have control over are being changed whether I like it or not. These changes are not lining up with my way of thinking. They are not what I would do. They are not what I want. But alas, they are not changes I implemented, they are however, changes that affect me. Those are the fun ones, right!? Ha!

So, after a knee jerk moment of tantrum (internal tantrum, mind you), I am trying my best to simply trust. Trust who? Those who are making the changes? Uh..NO. They are humans just like me. I trust only in God who holds me amidst the changes. He knows what is going on, and perhaps He is guiding it. Whether He is or whether He isn't, He takes care of me no matter what. He always has and He always will. All I know to do is trust Him and live the way He wants me to live, even in the face of things I simply do not like. I know that I may not be able to see the plan, the road ahead, or the possibilities brought on by these changes. He knows, He sees, He understands. That has to be enough for me. I am submitting to Him, knowing I am HELD by Him. He holds me no matter what may occur, no matter what changes roll into my life. He can even cause something I think that I won't like AT ALL to be an amazing blessing to me. I know this and I am wholeheartedly trusting in it. I can't see His plan in this, but I know one is there. He always has a plan and it always ends up blessing me. Whether I am able to see it in the beginning or not...He always blesses me when I trust in Him and lean not on my own understanding.

Pray for me to continue to trust and to walk along holding His hand. I know He will guide my steps. Pray that if I have another internal tantrum that it subsides quickly and that I will move forward in faith knowing He holds me, always.

Who's Promoting Who?

This morning I took a quick moment to read some scripture. One scripture has been on my mind the past few days: “My grace is enough for you. When you are weak, my power is made perfect in you.” 2 Corinthian s 12:9. I went back to read the verse in context, not that it was needed because the verse is pretty clear. But I wanted to reread what led up to it and what followed it, in context. I recommend that you read it too. 2 Corinthians 12:1-12

It’s funny, ironic, or simply one of those Holy Spirit things: In my departmental prayer meeting this week, the devotional verse that we went over was Philippians 2:3 which says, “Don’t be selfish; don’t try to impress others. Be humble, thinking others better than yourselves.”

Humility. That is the emerging theme here. Don’t we all sometimes get bogged down in the “importance” of ourselves? Focusing on and vying for the next big promotion. Boasting about how great we are at golf or how smart we are scholastically. Vanity! Haven’t we got it figured out yet? It isn’t about who is the strongest or the best at something. It isn’t about self-promotion. Yet, such things are rampant. “Look at me!” “See how good I am at this or that!” “See how important I am!” But truth be told, HE is it! HIS importance should be what we are promoting. His power is made perfect in us when we are weak. We are to be humble, not boasting and prideful. Humility is a concept that is looked upon by the world as weak and odd. This society, this day and time, humility is counter-cultural. It is WEIRD. But, it is what we are called to. Reflecting His strength, His glory, His honor, HIS IMPORTANCE is our job. If He is to increase, I must decrease. That is tough for most to swallow. But when we do, that is when His power is made perfect in us. IN US! And when it is made perfect in us…THEN do we boast? No. NO! Read what Paul said in 2 Corinthians 12: 1-12, he has reason to boast, he even said it, but he did not boast about it so that Paul wouldn’t be the center, the focus. We must follow suit. Humility, I challenge all of us to take it on, in all aspects of our lives.

That does not mean to be pitiful, victimized, sad, and pathetic. Because we are also told that we have been made more than conquerors. But how did that happen? Because we are so great, because we are so smart, or because we are so important? NOPE. It is only because HE gives us our strength. He is the source of all that we are, all that we’ve been blessed with, and all that the world sees in us. Because of that we should remain humble and only boast that HE is the source and HE is the reason. See the difference? It is not about you or me! It is ALL Him. Now go and reflect that difference to the world!

THE DAY!

THE DAY.

Easter. Triumph. Hope. Life.

Easter is THE DAY, as far as I am concerned. What other day could possibly hold that much JOY?!?

The day that all the questions were answered. The day they all knew it wasn't over. The day that confirmed it all. The day Jesus defeated death. The day he got up and emerged ALIVE from the tomb that once held his lifeless body. The day that changed EVERYTHING. The day He was born was...blessed. The day He died was...painfully tragic. The day He overcame death and arose...GLORIOUS! The rest would have been pointless without the third day. In His triumph over death, we know...we KNOW He is who He said He was, we know that all He has promised is available to everyone who believes and follows His commands. WE KNOW. We are no longer condemned. We are free, we are forgiven, and we will live with Him forever, even after we leave this place, we will go on to be with Him. What hope! What love! Easter!!! The day of life...for Him and for all of us.

Thank you Jesus for all that you bore on my behalf. Thank you for beating death and triumphantly emerging from the tomb. Thank you for loving me beyond all reason and to the farthest lengths. I humbly thank you and serve only you.

Happy Easter one and all!

Girl Talk

I had the best lunch that I have had in a long time, yesterday. I don't mean the food, by the way. Although it was really good too. It was the company that was so refreshing. I had lunch with someone I have never had lunch with before one on one. Someone with whom I am becoming really fond of. A fascinating friend.

We found out that we actually have a lot in common and we talked and talked until we realized that we had been gone way too long and both had to head back to work. It was one of those times where one hour felt like a minute. I love spending time with people like that. You enjoy them so much that the time seems to just fly away. She was fun, real, down to earth, and such a Godly lady. We had a ball talking about food, men, family and most importantly God. It was delightfully refreshing to find someone who is genuinely a ton of FUN and also madly on fire for God and others. She was upbeat, lively, silly and had such a positive outlook on just about everything. Not once did she whine or complain about anything...not anything. How different! How refreshing! How FUN!

Not that I don't like people with issues, problems, challenges and need to talk, vent, let it all out. I do. We all have those times and those needs. But sometimes we can turn into a bundle of negativity and defeat and that is a big problem. This lady was a warrior, she was triumphant, she was a normal human being just like the rest of us, but she sees reality...GOD'S reality and that elevates her to levels far above the norm. She soars, she rises above all the junk that seems to brings so many of us down. I love that about her.

I hope that I can adopt some of her qualities that I so enjoy and admire. I don't want to be a negative person. Because of my relationship with God, His gift of salvation because of His Son's death and resurrection, and my daily guidance and from the Holy Spirit, I have so much to be joyful and thankful for. It should radiate from within me. It should change all that I do, say, and am. Like this lady...it should turn me into a refreshingly FUN and Godly woman.
Let's see if I can adopt this standard of living and go from just being set to SURVIVE to THRIVE!

Orchestrated

God just keeps on surprising me. Yet, I still keep wondering why I am surprised.
I believe in Christian men being around and bonding with other Christian men. I wholeheartedly do. I believe men need to be in close relationship with other Christian men. They grow in different ways spiritually because of those relationships that they simply cannot in relationship with women. One of the reasons I SO love working in that ministry.

I have a new friend who is very connected at church, is a member of a small group and volunteers etc...but I encouraged him to come to the breakfast for men this weekend at my church. He'd never been. Although it was early and he could have been out playing golf...he went. I didn't get to talk to him much there (I was working...not attending). But he did say when I saw him briefly that it was PERFECT. He left with a BIG smile on his face.

Turns out that later on he told me that he loved it! The message was EXACTLY what he needed to hear. He felt God had led him there. He totally related to the speaker. He was broken by the message in a way he needed to be. It was a God thing. Truly a GOD THING. The words he used to describe the experience to me got me teary as well.

I love it. God crossed our paths recently. I work in that ministry. I encouraged him to come... He went. He was hit hard by a message he really needed. He loved it and he thanked God for orchestrating it all. I did too. What an amazing God we serve. I love stories like this. I pray God continues to find ways to use me in His service even when I don't realize what is happening. It gives me a rush of blessing every time He uses me to HIS glory.

Thank you God for doing what you did. Thank you my friend for sharing the details with me.

Diseased Angels?

When Francis of Assisi turned his back on wealth to seek God in simplicity, he stripped naked and walked out of the city. He soon encountered a leper.... He passed him, then stopped and went back and embraced the diseased man. Francis then continued on his journey. After a few steps he turned to look again at the leper, but no one was there. For the rest of his life, he believed the leper was Jesus Christ....

I bet that most of you have not been ignored, passed by, forgotten, left behind, despised or even broken hearted because of a disease. Maybe you have. IT DOES HAPPEN. Yet, Jesus lives in these people. And sometimes, perhaps when you've walked away, looked the other way, avoided, or simply just ignored someone because they have a disease, you may have just done that to Christ himself. Or perhaps an angel. Perhaps the reason isn't leprosy or even a diease, perhaps it is mental retardation, or HIV, or social anxiety, perhaps it is the girl who works in the "gentlemen's club" for a living desperately wanting a way out. Or what about the divorcee who has to live with herpes for the rest of her life because her cheating ex-husband brought it home to her? Or the person that always has that strange awful smell? The guy who always talks way too much and makes you uncomfortable because he invades your personal space? The strange couple that wears all black and are full of piercings? Life is full of reasons to pass people by---to not get too close. To be afraid. To ignore. To look away. To avoid. But what if that person/people were placed in your path to see just what you would do? What if it is an angel that you just avoided, walked away from, and hurt? What if your biggest blessing was wrapped in a package that you were "afraid" of? That's tough to think about. Really it is. We never know what God has planned for us. How it may come about. The people and roads to be traveled to get there. But one thing we can be sure of, we will encounter angels along the way. That is biblical. Don't expect them to take the appearance of an angel. Perhaps it was the person you just passed up?? Perhaps now, you will always think twice about it and wonder. Perhaps you should, like Francis of Assisi, go back and embrace them...there may be blessing there that you never could have imagined. You'll never know...if you never go... He is where you least expect Him to be. Look into that face again...you may be surprised who you will find there.

What If?

I went to an appreciation luncheon on Tuesday for ladies who volunteer during a monthly ladies event at my church. It was so much fun to get to hang out, chat, and share lunch with some really great Christian ladies. I met a few new people and got to know others better than I knew them before. We laughed, ate, won prizes, and had a great time.

The lady who spoke (briefly) at this luncheon also coordinated it. She had placed stars everywhere. On the tables, the little cakes were shaped like stars, our name tags were stars etc... This was because she wanted to say thanks to us for being "stars". She also spoke about the scripture in Philippians where it says, "Do everything without complaining or arguing so that no one can criticize you. Live clean innocent lives as children of God shining like stars in a world full of crooked and perverse people." (Phil 2: 14,15)

She said that in this world we really do shine like stars when we do things without arguing or complaining. We stand out. We are different when we live like this. Wow, how sad it is that so many of us are complaining and arguing, that those who do not, shine as brightly as stars. Stars are beautiful, bright, and twinkly. Definitely unique. Definitely not the norm. The norm is the dark expanse in which the stars exist.

This has really helped me this week. I've thought twice before opening my mouth to complain. What good does it do anyway but make me look bad? It doesn't help anything; it doesn't solve anything. It really has no positive impact on anything at all. Complaining only contains negative forces. As for arguing, I don't suffer AS MUCH, with this one, but each of us knows someone who does. They can and will challenge any one on any point, sometimes seemingly for no reason other than to argue. Every time you encounter them they push your buttons, refuse to ever admit they are wrong. They live to argue. When we fill the air with complaints and arguing, what a sickly black mess we add to the already VAST expanse of darkness! What if we simply change our hearts? What if we just make an effort all day every day to shut up!? What if we just don't spout off about a coworker? What if we don't complain about a vendor? What if we don't murmur behind someone else's back? What if we just "drop it" before an argument starts? What if we step forward in an effort to make peace with someone? What if we show others GRACE instead of arguing every little point with them? What if!!!!???? We could actually become like stars--shining, beautiful, clear, bright light into the vast darkness that most of the world sees and lives in. Wouldn't that be awesome?!?! They need our light, people!! They need the light of God, the source of our light! We should be shining it everywhere instead of adding to the looming darkness.

I am so thankful I went to that luncheon. I am so glad that scripture took a hold of me, convicted me, and remained with me. STOP COMPLAINING. STOP ARGUING. Live like children of GOD!!! Shine like stars in a world of crooked and perverse people. We are children of God, shouldn't we shine like royalty?! Shouldn't we share that light with the world?! We are called to share His light, right? Can't we also do that in this (seemingly) small way? No complaining! No arguing! SHINE ON, SHINE ON!

A Dead Woman Came to Life

Looks can be deceiving. Pictures can be deceiving. Smiles can be deceiving. This picture was sent to me this week from an old friend of mine. It was taken at the end of July of 2004. About 5 months before I was pregnant with my daughter, and about 1 year before I began attending the WONDERFUL church that I attend.

The thing about this picture is that it doesn't show reality. It doesn't show what's inside. In fact to me, if I didn't know better, I think I look generally pretty happy. But nothing could be further from the truth. I won't go into the gory details of what all kinds of atrocities were going on in my life at the time of this picture. Those things are forgiven and buried. But what I will tell you is that no matter what the picture shows, this woman was dead. She was depressed, broken, used, hollow, hurting, and self-destructing. She cried herself to sleep most nights. She questioned why she even continued waking up each day. She was in emotional and mental turmoil, abuse, and anguish every single day. She was always surrounded by many many "friends" but was excrutiatingly lonely. And those "friends"....weren't her friends at all. (With the exception of only ONE--the one who sent his picture.)

Looking at her makes me sad...but also makes me hopeful. You see it makes me sad that I walked SO long in those shoes. It makes me sad because I know there is a world FULL of people like her, who smile, and put on a really good act, when inside they are dying a painful slow death. But it makes me hopeful because I emerged out of it because of wonderful Chrsitian people in my life who refused to give up on me. They prayed for me. They loved me. They invited me to their church. They listened to me. They let me cry on their shoulders. They pointed me back to God. There is hope for ALL!

When you run across people in your lives, whether it is a stanger, a co-worker, a neighbor, or a long-time friend...look deep. Look deeper than the surface. If you see a smile like this one...realize that sometimes it is only a facade. It requires time and investment in people...a genuine interest and concern for God's children to really SEE. It takes effort. But I am so thankful for those in my life at that time...who went the extra mile...who didn't just see the smile and assume that all was well. If it weren't for them (my family and friends) showing me the heart of Christ every chance they got...I would not be alive today. I wouldn't. That is no exaggeration at all. There would be no Carlotta or Gracyn. But instead we are both here... THRIVING and living in God's blessing and deep love every day and doing our best to shower it on every one else...

Look at this picture and realize that it is a fake...the person looks alive but was very much a DEAD woman. Remember that when you go through your day and your life crosses with others to look DEEP. You could save a life. You could point someone's soul to Christ. You never know where someone is in their life and what they so desperately need from you...even if they smile and all looks well. Show them CHRIST. There is hope for all!!!

AMAZING GRACE

Thank You God for Your grace. You extend it to me DAILY, perhaps hourly (actually probably more often than that). I can never be good enough on my own. No works are great enough to deserve Your gifts. I fail. I fall. I sin ALL the time, sometimes unbeknownst to me. Yet, You continue to love me. I've been the prodigal, showered with grace and I've been the objecting brother who followed the rules and didn't understand. I've been in so many different places in my journey with You.

You sacrificed Your pure and blamesless Son for a mess like me--because You love me so much. Each day it boggles my mind, why...WHY do you SO love someone like me. I sin. I sin again--in ways that I don't even realize (reminded of this by other bloggers recently). Yet, it's true that Your Son's blood COVERS that. Amazingly, when You look at Carlotta You see Jesus. Not because of anything I've done, but because of what He did. Because of Your immense love and His willingness to be the bridge between us no matter the cost. Let me never be casual or jaded to any of what really happened on that cross and why. Let me never abuse such depths of love. Let me do my best to extend that love and grace to others...thus reflecting You, only You, not me. Help me to recognize my sin even in its most minute state, use the Holy Spirit to convict my heart each time I sin, big or small, please! I want to recognize it so I can turn from it and honor/glorify You. I know I will never be perfect, sin-free, or do it all "just right". If I could, I wouldn't have a such a dire need for You, Christ, His blood, His death, and resurrection. But the truth is I need all of that...more than anyone perhaps. Amazing Grace...if it were deserved or could be earned, it wouldn't be so amazing, huh?!?!?! Help me live a life that reflects my heart, gratitude, and awe of what You've done for me and the AMAZING GRACE You've extended to me.

Saddened.

I am sad. I've realized a few things today. One, is that I am inadequate in ways that I don't want to be. Two, is that I am misunderstood A LOT. Three, is that I am not remotely close to being like the one I so want to be like. For those that really know me, spend time with me, and have seen me muddle through some portion of life, you know my heart is tender. Sometimes too tender. Yet, when I interact with people who don't know me very well that does not translate a lot of times. I need to work on that...or stop interacting with people. (Not likely, as I am on this planet with a bunch of other people whom I am called to love...can't do that well, without interaction.) I am inadequate with my communication. My heart is OFTEN misunderstood. When people see/hear me, they don't often see/hear Christ, at least that's how I feel.
Those things have made my heart quite heavy. Makes me want to withdraw and hide out. I don't like feeling that way. Anyone else ever feel like this? Any suggestions on how to correct it? I want my heart to look like Christ's, I want it to come across when I communicate with people, and I want it understood. Where He was compassionate, I want to be. Where He was unyielding, I want to be. Where He inspired and lifted up and encouraged, I want to too.
I need BIG help with these. I am trying hard, but failing miserably.

Playground Bully

It's been a really interesting 24 hours. Sadly, not all good. But that's because Satan is alive and well, and unfortunately this world is his playground. And who does he want to come out and play with him? All of us. Only, he doesn't play nice. He doesn't play fair. He is rough and dangerous. He's a vicious bully. He's tried to pull several fast ones on me over the last day or so. He takes cheap shots; he jabs me when I am not looking, in places where he knows it will hurt the most.

How cruel. How mean. But that is just who he is. Sometimes I think he forgets who I belong to. He wants me to become bitter, resentful, distrusting, hardened, and calloused. He wants me to believe the worst about people and to distrust every living soul. He has tried to use those that mean the most to me, to hurt me. He wants me to give up my hopes and dreams. He wants me to believe lies that one of the cruelest people I have ever known said about me...that "no one would ever really want to be with you if they knew everything about you." He's trying to resurface old fears, mistrust, and self-loathing. And boy, he gets SO close to getting me headed in that direction. SO CLOSE. But thankfully, God sent His Holy Spirit to be with us after Jesus went back to be with Him. He did not leave us out here on the playground all alone with the bully. He gave us the Holy Spirit.

I went to bed last night struggling with MANY things. Many questions. Many emotions. Some really, really good; some really, terribly BAD! Took me A LONG TIME to fall asleep. I could have very easily decided to be angry, hurt, resentful, vengeful, and distrusting of all people going forward. But I cried out to my God for help. I don't want to believe Satan's lies. I don't want to become jaded by betrayal. I don't want to be hardened. I don't want to withdraw from others in an effort to self-protect. But that is EXACTLY what Satan wants me to do. He pulled every punch he had over the past 24 hours. He revealed his evil influence in the lives of people I care VERY DEEPLY for. He wants me to believe there is nothing stronger than him. But you know what, after that tumultuous night, I woke up renewed. I prayed for a clear mind and heart. I prayed for the dear sweet family that he is torturing right now. I prayed for a true picture of who I am in God's eyes, not who I am in the eyes of those who judge me and label me as damaged. I am beautiful and whole in every way in His eyes and that's enough for me. I woke up content. I woke up with a forgiving heart. I woke up with peace. I woke up determined that I am going to continue to be ME...open, honest, forgiving, gracious, and full of hope and with my dreams intact. HE WILL NOT ROB ME OF THOSE THINGS. (But I know he will keep trying...)

The Holy Spirit is in my corner. He helps me fight. He helps me to be strong. He helps me every step I take, every day of my life. My heart will not be hardened. I am not alone. The playground bully will not take me down!!!

Lurking About

Satan tried to ruin my weekend.

Has he ever done that to you?

See, he knows when I'm doing really well. He knows when I am looking forward to things. He knows when things seem to be going smoothly. Those are the times he pounces.

The great thing is that I am starting to recognize those "vulnerable" times and I anticipate his arrival on the scene. This time it happened Friday morning. I was in a particularly good mood. Looking forward to my day at work and the activities therein. I was looking forward to my evening plans. I was looking forward to my Saturday and Sunday off work. I was cruising a long in my joyful state...but watchful of him lurking behind the bushes or down the long corridor. It didn't take him long to find me and start chipping away at my joy. And for about an hour right after I arrived at work...I let him get to me a little bit. But then I saw it for what it was. I saw him for what he is. A liar and a deciver. Once I pulled away from the problems he was attempting to create and I saw that it was just a ploy to steal my joy; I laughed. I laughed at myself for falling for it, although briefly. I knew it was coming. It ALWAYS does. But I laughed because I also had the power to stop his plan, and I liked that. He could continue to throw things in my path, (and he did), but his junk is not what controls my joy. My joy is not found in my circumstances. Although he continues to believe it is...or at least he tries to convince me of that. But I know the TRUTH.

So once I figured that out and plowed through the obstacles he kept throwing at me...I had a great day and night. I had a joyful weekend--despite some tough news and some challenges. Life will always have challenges, sad news, this or that...it always will. But it is my choice to allow him to steal my joy or to hold tightly to it. The price for that joy was my savior's life...how dare I let that little twit steal it from me!

My week will be just as great as my weekend! I am loved and saved. What more could I want?

Respect the BED!

Isn't it interesting that Satan does everything he can possibly think of to get two people who are dating into bed together. Yet, once they are married, he does everything he can possibly think of to keep them out of the bed together!

Devious!! He knows that both scenarios are acts of mass destruction to the union of two people.

Something to ponder...

Miraculous

Isn't life interesting? Well, mine is. I can't speak for anyone else, I suppose.

One day you find yourself where you despise your boss and your job, you have friends that don't have a clue who you really are, you are dating someone who treats you like gum stuck to the bottom of his shoe, you are totally immersed in a world of sin, heartbreak, and pain. You hate everything that you've become. You barely remember who you were before. You see no hope of it ever changing. You rarely even dare to speak to God from your shame of the ongoing garbage in your life that makes you feel unworthy to even address Him. You look great on the outside. Nice place to live, nice car, cute clothes, great tan, blond hair, well-worked out body and yet...on the inside you truly just want to die. You hate those in your life who are cruel, angry, and manipulative, and yet you hate yourself more, because you allow them in your life and allow them to treat you that way. What a wretched existence.

Skip to four years later. Same person only all of it is different. You've got an amazing job that you love with an incredible boss whom you adore. You are surrounded with family and dear friends. No one manipulating you. No one demeaning you daily. No longer feeling as though the outside has to be perfection to cover and to hide the ugliness and brokenness inside. Instead the inside is glowing and it radiates through to the outside. Daily embracing God's love and grace and walking and talking with Him as a father and friend. Struggling from time to time but resting in peace and His comfort. Enjoying His blessings in the giggles and laughter of the child you thought you could never have. Living in a home where love is bursting at the seams. Having friends who not only know you well but know the Lord as well, deeply. Working in and around some of the most amazing people on the planet and in two ministries that you have a real passion for.

What a difference God can make! He can scrape us off the bottom of someone's shoe, clean us off, change us, renew us, and bless us immeasurably! But only if we LET Him. He does not force change and blessings on anyone. But for those who will follow and decide to be changeable and moldable and accept His love and His plan---life can be SO different!

Thank you God for every big and little thing You've done in my life. I am so THANKFUL and HUMBLED by Your love and grace. I don't deserve either, but I drink them in eagerly.

What's Marinading in my Mind

My pastor said something last night that has been marinading in my mind since he said it. He was discussing betrayal and using Joseph (and the coat of many colors) as the biblical reference. When looking at what all happened in Joseph's life, we tend to gloss over the time frames. The time frame that Joseph was enslaved. The time frame that Joseph was imprisoned. Etc.. They were not short time frames at all. Yet in our culture if our suffering lasts a year or even three, four, or five it becomes too much for us to take. Pa-leeeease! We don't understand why God doesn't take our suffering from us. Why God doesn't intervene... Why God doesn't do what WE want Him to do... Why doesn't He remove this desire...Why doesn't He take this burden... Why doesn't He just remove the feelings of loneliness, sadness, or whatever... Why leave me with these feelings and hurt when He CAN just make it all go away...

The concept that has been marinading since last night is the concept of ENDURANCE. People...where is our endurance?? God was working on Joesph in each of his trials. He was learning things, growing, changing, becoming what God had planned for him. And he probably didn't even realize it. But if he had just given up, turned his back on his seemingly uncooperative God, if he just bowed out of the plan, his life would not have turned out as amazingly as it did. READ the story. PAY ATTENTION. What God is doing in your life--you may not even be able to see or recognize, but I can assure you He IS doing something. He may not be doing what you THINK you want done and He may not be doing what He is doing in YOUR time frame, but have some ENDURANCE for goodness sake. Look at how He blessed Joseph. He will do the same for you, if you remain faithful even if your understanding fails you...even if it seems to have gone on LONG ENOUGH. Get over that. Look for the growth you've made. Look for the lessons you may be learning. Look for what He is up to. But come on guys, He knows you better than you do, He knows what you need, He knows if you are ready, He knows what more needs to happen before you are fully seasoned and ready for His plan. Stop thinking you know best. YOU DON'T KNOW JACK. Trust in His MAJESTIC and HOLY time frame and plan for you. ENDURE through this time in your life. It is shaping you and molding you for the INCREDIBLE plan God has for you.

When I listened to Ed last night and stepped back in my mind to reflect on my betrayals, my pits, my struggles, my time frames...I saw something. I see God teaching me things I never would have learned without those problems. I see myself becoming stronger and wiser and yet all the more caring and understanding of those who have wronged me. I am going to focus more on what am I learning and how am I growing from this season in my life instead of lamenting the sad times, the lonely times, the times I simply don't understand WHY. I am going to do this because I know He is working on me and what will happen because of that growth will be blessings beyond my wildest imagination. Just like what happened to Joseph. Not a piece of his story happened over night or in his time frame. But because it happened God's way...IT WAS BEYOND AWESOME. And it can be that way for you and for me too. We've got to trust and endure. Thank God for Joseph and his wonderful example. From the PIT to the PALACE!!! I am going to work hard to emulate that trust and endurance too.

Beauty in Betrayal?

The beautiful side of betrayal. This was discussed tonight by my pastor. There's no bigger believer in the beautiful side of betrayal than me. But it is not an automatic thing. It has to be sought. It is not a "given". Betrayal can simply end in anger, bitterness, and resentment...if the betrayed so chooses. But don't be fooled...it is a choice. We've all been betrayed in SOME way or another. Some of us MANY times. And some of us, including myself, have been the betrayer. The concept of betrayal is not lost on ANYONE. But there can be many wonderful things that God can do during and after a betrayal. Ask Joseph...you know the one with the coat of many colors? He knows. And so do I. God can make you and your life even better BECAUSE OF a betrayal. He has for me and many others. There really is a beautiful side of betrayal, thank you God for that, and thank you Ed (my pastor) for reminding me.

My Past and My Future

(Reader warning: If you don't want to read about my love life or lack thereof, please stop reading now.)

Interesting weekend. The past showed up. Not in a bad way....thank goodness!

I ran into an old family friend. I hadn't seen since him I was a little girl, until we crossed paths at our Men's Breakfast on Saturday. He wasn't anything like I remembered. Funny how time changes people. He's grown up, married, and looks the exact opposite of what he did as a little kid. He went from a 12 year old to a 36 year right in front of my face. Weird.

I also had an another old, very dear friend show up at our house completely unexpected. His mother had passed away. He was in town from out of state. I hadn't seen him in many years. This is someone I've known since elementary school. We were boyfriend/girlfriend off and on for years. Our timing always STUNK. We couldn't ever get it right at the right time. GREAT guy.

It was interesting to see him as a man. You know, with a beautiful Godly wife, three kids, and a business. It was good. He's turned into the man I always knew he would, even though he never believed me back then. I've always kind of measured guys in my life by him, or at least what I saw in him...(which he became, by the way!). (He'd probably shake his head in disappointment that I thought so highly of him that I would measure others by him, you know?...He doesn't know what a rare gem he is...people are funny that way some times.) I didn't pine over him all these years. It is that he was the only one I got really close to romantically that I knew without a doubt had a REAL relationship with God through Jesus...until much later in my life. His relationship with God made him incredibly attractive. Was he perfect...ummmm, NO WAY. Not even close. But he had desire to be. He made efforts to be. He was purposeful and intentional with that desire, even though he often fell short. Guys like him are RARE, actually. Most people go around bobbing up and down with the flow of life...completely unintentional. ACK! That's SO unattractive. Did he mess up? Yes, regularly! But he never quit, never gave up his intense desire to be holy, to be like God. He failed. A lot. But he never stopped pursuing God. And now he is daily reaping the benefits of such desire and intent.

This guy struggles still struggles with things. (Who doesn't?) I heard it in the conversation between he and my family, but he knows how much God loves him, guides him and has sheltered and protected him over the years---from a wretchedly dysfunctional family, from himself as a struggling young man, and from the world in general. He has MUCH to be thankful for. He's been walking in God's love and protection as long as I've known him. Now, he finally realizes it.

I always thought that if I ever saw him again it would make me long for what his wife has...HIM...but it didn't. It really didn't. I didn't long for HIM at all....I saw him differently because I am different. Not because he isn't a wonderful man, because he IS. Not because he isn't attractive, because he is. Not because he isn't this or that..he is. He is most everything a Christian woman would want. He is ALL of those things...but I didn't covet his wife's husband. I didn't want him back for myself. Not even for a second. I am so happy to see what God has blessed him with. No one deserves it more. You see, he is wonderful, but he isn't FOR ME. He is for Christy. He is God's plan for Christy.

I know there is a plan for me too. I know that even though I struggle with certain temptations and shortcomings that I remain desirous and intentional of being a Godly woman. I want a man that is the same way. Imperfect, struggling, tempted, yet, fighting to be holy and Godly. I want a man who takes that seriously and is intentional with those things. You see, I saw a wonderful man, the kind any woman would be thrilled and blessed to have, but I also saw a REAL person. Someone who trusts in God, who falls short, but keeps fighting for his holiness. He is blessed for it...I want a man like that. Not THAT particular man. I know my man exists. I KNOW that. I am committed to him. I am committed to not seeking a perfect man, but to waiting for that man who desires holiness with his entire being. Not one who has it...yet. He is being made perfect. BEING MADE...but not yet perfect. I don't expect perfection, just the desire for Godliness and holiness. I am committed to it. It's that or nothing. I will honor my commitment. I am committed to him. I've been committed to him. I will wait for him. God's got it covered. I trust God and will settle for nothing short of my standard. I have one. There is a standard, and my standard will not think the standard is high, that 's part of why I will love him so much, he will lament his imperfections and failures, but will still seek daily to be made perfect in Christ. That's who I am committed to. That's him. That's the one.

Running into the past made me recommit. It fueled the commitment I made to my standard. We all need standards. Don't worry if anyone else understands your "standard" or not. God doesn't always choose the ones who appear to be "just right"...ask Moses, ask David. Just have a standard of someone seeking to be holy, most certainly failing, but striving and desiring it everyday of their life. Settle for nothing less. God used my past to remind me to be faithful to my commitment. He had someone walk right into my living room after MANY years like a ghost from the past, to rekindle that which Satan is trying to blow out...my fire. My commitment is burning white hot. I'm not settling. All or nothing baby!

Bend or Break!

Are you pliable? Flexible? Moldable? Or are you rigid, stiff, and unyielding? Perhaps I should clarify that. When it comes to change? When it comes to being stretched and changed by God? Are you open to being different than you are, doing things differently or even being uncomfortable? Can you walk in faith without your past, your present, or what you predict the future will be like, always holding you back?

Being pliable is difficult. We sometimes plant our feet down, dig our heels in, stand firm, straight and rigid. Most of the time it is out of fear, whether we admit it or not. Fear that we will fail. Fear that we will get hurt or will hurt someone else. Fear that we will embarrass ourselves. Fear that we will be rejected. Fear that we aren't enough for the task. Fear of the unknown or the uncomfortable.

But it is nature's rule: that which does not bend WILL BE BROKEN. Nature will find a way to break that which will not bend. The same is true for us. If we do not bend to the things God brings us to, Satan will take the opportunity to break us over them. And he will always take that opportunity to do so. It is in his nature to delight in breaking us. If he can keep you from taking risks, if he can keep you comfortable, if he can continue to throw your past and your present failures and struggles in your face, he will do so and eventually he will break you. Break your chance of success, break your spirit and break your opportunity to be blessed the way God wants you to be blessed. What a thrill for our enemy to paralyze us and seize our blessings. I see him doing it in my life and in the lives of several people I care about right NOW.

This reminder is as much for me as it is for all of you reading: PLEASE see that when you become rigid and hardened and simply accept "this is who I am" or "this is my lot in life" and refuse to stretch and change and do something DIFFERENT than what you've always done, you will end up broken. It will happen. It is nature's way. It is also the way of all things spiritual. Change is required for growth. Faith is required for change. Stop talking about faith and start walking in it. Be bold. Step out in faith and don't hide-out fearing your weaknesses and your past or your love of being comfortable. If you are miserable in certain areas of your life but you continue to run from changing for fear of the change AND/OR fear that you can't change, leave that to God and walk in faith...or brace yourself for brokenness. It's one or the other. Like it or not. Bend or be broken.

New Day, New Adventure

It's a new day and a new week.

Thank God!

Last week was really rough for me.

I need a new one to start over with.

New Year. New Week. New day. New new new!

God makes all things new.

God, make me new today. Clean up the messes I've made. Remind me of the successes we've had. Show me the next step and the next adventure You have planned for me. There are so many adventures to come. So many opportunities to refine me and stretch me and help me grow. I will not surrender to who I am today. I am not who I was in the past and I can be more than I am today. I am not afraid. Let nothing paralyze my forward progress. Let no thing and no one hold me back. Help me to not give up when I fear that the task at hand is more than I can handle. Help me to hold up others when they need to feel You and Your encouragement. Help me to show others the way You see them. Help me to never quit, to never give up, and to always persevere even in the face of Satan himself. Help me to be the Carlotta you designed me to be, not the one I am today. Help me to help others with the same task. In serving and lifting up others, I can become who You want me to be.

Thanks for loving me even when I am unlovable, forgiving me when I am unforgivable, and for restoring my hope each time I think I've depleted it. Even in my hurt and despair, You find me and make me new. Thank you Lord. I can do all things. I can do all things. I can do all things. Not because of me...on my own I can do NOTHING, but I am not alone, I am not on my own, I AM WITH YOU. You are in me every second of every minute of my life. If you bring me to it, You will propel me through it. Every challenge, every trial, every mountain I want to climb but fear climbing, I will conquer. Not because of me, only because of YOU. Thank you for being all that I am not. Show those that I love who are struggling with these things too, that whatever it is, they can conquer it, they can succeed, they can do whatever it is that seems un-do-able. NOTHING is too big for You. NOTHING.

Thank you God.

Anyone reading this, please remember that you can be powered by the God of the Universe. Stop hanging out in the dark and cursing it, light the candle for goodness sake. (And if you are a little slow...I'll help you a bit...the candle has a name. His name is: GOD, He loves you and wants nothing more than to be with you and help you, but He only will when called upon and invited. Stop trying to battle on your own in the dark. Light the candle, goofball!)

Have an awesome week friends, family, and readers.

My Sacrifice...

What is it like when God (the Holy Spirit) "speaks" to us? I hear people say things like this a lot...even me. "God put this or that on my heart." "God told me this or that." What does that even mean? How do we know when God is speaking to us? I know people who determine that God told them something...and I wonder, "Did He call you on the phone? Did He send you an email? Did He speak to you from the heavens and only you could hear it?" How does that work?

I don't always know from where things "on my heart" originate. From my own desires? From God through the Holy Spirit? From others? And yet, sometimes I just KNOW. Don't you just love that response? But it is just how it is sometimes, at least for me. Especially when it is not something I wanted or was in my nature. In fact, that happened to a friend of mine a long time ago. She felt that God told her (gave her a vision) of someone with whom He wanted her to date. (I know a whole lot of people who come up with this notion too...) But in this case, it was someone that she had ZERO romantic interest in at all. In fact, I had the distinct impression that she was almost nauseated at the thought of it. But she felt very strongly about the vision. She felt it was God speaking to her. So she obeyed. She trusted and moved in faith. I happened to be completely floored by her decision to obey and boldly go where she did NOT at all want to go. Then, as it all happened, I wondered to myself, could God simply be testing her??? Could He just want to know if she fully trusted Him and would obey Him even if she felt it go against everything inside of her...to the point of nauseousness!?!?! It could be. Remember Abraham and Isaac? God told Abraham to KILL his own son. To sacrifice him. And Abraham obeyed even though it nearly killed him inside. Both stories ended well. Abraham was stopped, thankfully. My friend was stopped too, thankfully. And both were greatly blessed because of their faith and willingness to obey even when horrified at the task.

I am at a point in my life where I believe that I too find myself in such a place of testing. I feel as though God has conveyed to me something that I am a bit freaked out by. (No, He hasn't asked me to sacrifice anyone or to date someone I find nauseating, so you can all take a deep cleansing breath.) But what it is, would prove to be a true test of my faith and obedience. I want to walk in faith and be obedient to Him. I will do this, perhaps shaking and nervous, but I will follow His leading.

And just to nip it in the bud right now, please don't ask me what it is... it is between He and I.

But I would like to ask you to pray for me. Pray that I honor Him in obedience, so that He will be glorified. That's the point really. That's the goal in all we do, right? On a selfish level, I don't like this AT ALL; I am not going to lie or pretend that I do. But I know He loves me and I trust in Him that He knows better than I do. I want to honor my commitments; to Him, to trusting His promises, to doing the right thing, to keeping my word, to showing my trust, faith and obedience. Pray for me to be humbled, to be obedient, to be honorable, and to be fully faithful to Him and to my commitments.

Thanks!

Lesson From Solomon

(I didn't write this, I'd like to take credit, but I cannot. It was sent to me. I appreciated the insight and I thought I'd share it with you.)

"I went down to the grove of nut trees to look at the new growth in the valley, to see if the vines had budded or the pomegranates were in bloom." Song of Solomon 6:11

God did not waste any words when He put together the Bible. So when we read through the Song of Solomon we experience purpose on every page. In chapter one, we see this young couple attracted to each other. In chapters 2-3 they spend time courting to unveil character and personalities. At the end of chapter 3 we are sitting in the aisles of a beautiful wedding. Then we get front row seats to the steamy honeymoon night in chapter 4. We move from an intimate night to an inevitable fight in chapters 5-6. Notice what is said at the end of their first fight:

"I went down to the grove of nut trees to look at the new growth in the valley."
The sovereign God who wrote Scripture also knows what can result from conflict: an opportunity for new growth. When we handle conflict in any relationship, it's always a precursor to depth. When we don't, our relationship moves towards barrenness.

Conflict in relationships is a lot like pruning a tree. What is the purpose of pruning?

1. To cut away dead and unproductive branches.
2. To prepare the plant, tree for future growth.

Conflict, when resolved, prunes bad habits and unproductive ways we deal with each other. It clears away the branches that are ultimately harmful to the overall growth of the tree so the tree can grow healthier. Pruning sets our relationships up for new, and deeper, growth. Trees can't talk, but I would imagine, that pruning itself is not a pleasant experience. There is no such thing as a perfect relationship, only perfect moments. When we go through the pain of pruning, we make way for more perfect moments and more growth in our relationships.