Unsettled

Men that lead and live out the heart of Christ are rare. Men that are spiritually strong and lead are rare breed these days. Men that challenge those around them to go deeper, be stronger, and follow Christ's example are on the verge of extinction.

There's something that draws me to people that can, just by example, drive me to be a better Christ-follower. I found that in the man I am engaged to marry. Yet, I watch women day after day settle because they are lonely. Settle because they are financially needy. Settle because they want a male influence for their children. Settle because they are insecure and think they are "less" without a man. Settle because they are impatient. Settle because they believe that what they have, although mediocre, is the best they'll find. Settle because the really don't believe Godly men are still out there. Settle because they tire of waiting on God. It breaks my heart.

I know SEVERAL engaged ladies right now. I know one who is engaged on the rebound just weeks after crying her heart out over the last guy. I know one who can barely utter the words that she LOVES her fiance. I know one who has been living with her boyfriend for years and just figured they ought to get married for their children's sake. I know a couple (that's two, and mine is one of them) truly joyful, God-blessed engagements; glaring exceptions.

Waiting is one of the hardest things in life. I am not good at it. Being lonely is very painful thing. I am not good at that one either. After making some really unwise relational choices in my life and living with the consequences I decided to lay those at the foot of the cross. I decided to go out and live my life. I stopped waiting. I stopped feeling alone. I invested my heart and my life into the things of God. I allowed God to breathe life into me and not look for it anywhere else. He did not let me down. He filled my life with His work and His love. I was able to cut those ties to the past, to heartbreak, to waiting, to being lonely and decided to simply trust in the moment He had me in. Each moment of the day, I trusted in Him.

Then...I met Jimmy (much time had passed by the way). He was volunteering at the church where I work. I had a flat tire. He introduced himself, helped me with the tire (in the HEAT of August, dripping sweat) and did so with a smile on his face and one that radiated from his heart. He was different. I could tell immediately. He gladly served me when I was having a challenging day. He did so with a heart I could FEEL. It made an impact. His Christ-like heart made an impact that I couldn't shake.

From that day on, we've been "as thick as thieves" to use a quote my dad uses a lot. He has taught me so much me in so many areas of my life. He's inspired me in ways I never expected. He challenges me without saying a word, to live my life in a way I never have before. His heart, his generosity, his obedience to God, astound me. He is what I wanted but didn't have until I let God consume me and my life. God wants to be first. God IS TO BE FIRST. Until I placed Him in that position I was not ready for any additions to my life. If I had settled (and I could have) I would have missed out on SO much. I would have missed out on a man that leads me to grow even closer to the God that brought us together. I would have missed out on the REAL deal. But we have to determine if we can sacrifice it all and take the leap of faith that God will provide what we NEED, by laying it ALL at His feet, not expecting ANYTHING else in return, but to be filled by Him. We have to be willing to let go and let God fill our lives instead of taking control and filling our own lives.

What God can and will do with your life is nothing short of phenomenal. But it will only be that if you surrender all of your life to Him. He will fill it up with all that you need. It may be a "Jimmy". It may be something totally different. But whatever He fills your life with, it will draw you closer to Him and it will be better than you ever dreamed. We miss out on the BEST things when we settle. Wait on the Lord with joy and anticipation. He will BRING IT!!! IF you don't give up and settle. HE WILL BRING IT!!!

What To Do?

Doubtful that anyone checks here anymore. It's been a long time since I've written. I miss it. I'm considering using this type of format again. Should I use this same blog or start over new and fresh? What do you think? So much has changed. So many things are different since I started blogging a few years ago. What would be my purpose? A journal of sorts? A way to unload my thoughts, dreams, and my journey through life? A place to display photos? I just don't know. But I DO know that I miss it here. Yet... I just can't decide. What do you think? Is anyone even there?

Wielded Dagger

"Satan is a patient hunter." Those words rang so true with me today when I heard it. Wow. As a follower of Christ, I realize that there is a BIG target plastered all over me. And the devil is using me and anyone else he can, to unload his weapons upon. Yet, I proudly wear my target. I would imagine that many people wouldn't want to wear a target that Satan is constantly aiming at, yet as followers of Christ that is exactly what we sign up for. Are we crazy?? No, we're not. Because the joy, love, peace, forgiveness, grace, and hope that belonging to Him brings to us, FAR outweighs the risk of the games Satan tries to play with us. AND even more than that, God has equipped us with all that we could ever need to "fight the good fight"...and win! The tricky part is learning to actually use what God has given us with which to fight.

Marriages are at risk. Children are at risk. Lost souls are at risk. And yet we get comfortable and complacent. We get sailing along and slowly lose sight of the "little things". We forget to make regular and focused time with our spouse of critical importance. We put more emphasis on nurturing our children's talents than their character. We lose sight of the fact that lost souls are watching our every move and perhaps they don't see Christ reflected when we gossip, when we complain, when we laugh at a joke that we never should have even listened to. When Satan attacks, he doesn't necessarily pull an all-out overnight ambush. No, he sits back and waits. He allows us to get comfortable and relaxed. He desensitizes us with television and movies. He convinces us that "times have changed" and old rules no longer apply. He lets us think we are immune. He allows us to insulate ourselves with the idea that we are above reproach. Yet, all the while he's building his arsenal. He KNOWS what our weaknesses are. He knows what buttons make us dance. He knows what fuels each of our fires. And each of us is different. But trust me, he knows what your very weakest fiber is, and that is where he will strike.

We have to be consistently "on guard". If we aren't, we are fools and we will be consumed before we ever know what hit us. Been there, done that. We have to be IN and KNOW His word. We have to have a foundation of key believers in our lives that speak truth and love into our lives, we have to make decisions and choices everyday based solely on honoring God and not fueling our own agendas and desires. We have to be helping others instead of ourselves. We have to be watchful of snares and pitfalls that will be cleverly disguised as "good things".

This is a time that I am yet again painfully reminded of just how easy it is for Satan to wreck even the strongest of us if we even for a moment put our guard down. It's hard, it's work, it's often times exhausting to always be "ON", to never let your guard down, but hear me clearly...the moment you do he WILL strike. He will. He lies in waiting for days, months, even years just watching and waiting, then when the moment comes that you take that breath and let your guard down he is there with cold breath in your face hovering over you wielding his dagger right over your heart and he will pierce it with great force and with great pleasure bringing pain and destruction into your world like you've never known. Don't think it won't happen to you. Don't you dare.

Be on guard. Wrap yourself in God's word. Surround yourself in community and accountability with strong fellow believers. Cultivate a love for God and strength of character in your children's lives. Give of yourself and of your blessings to others who need it. Be generous. Protect and invest in your marriage like nothing else on earth is more precious. Guard your purity and thought-life with purpose and determination. Make a decision to live your life in a way that seeks to honor God in ALL that you say, think, and do.

And one really great thing is...when you are under attack from Satan, just know that he is unwittingly tipping you off to the fact that wonderful and great blessings are to come. KNOW THAT. Let that feed your fight. He's tipping you off to the things that are coming that he is trying to stop. At that moment, when you feel his attack, let that knowledge fuel your fire to fight stronger and harder! It will be worth it! God prevails! Wear your target with pride. Let it be a reminder to you of what you are up against, but also of whose you are and who has equipped you for the fight....the GOD OF THE UNIVERSE. He will bless you in ways you never dreamed of and we know who ultimately wins overall and I want to be on HIS team. :)

Heavy Heart

Wow, today has been a tough one for me. Work is fine. My kiddo is fine. My family is fine. My honey and I are fine. But I received some news today that just knocked the breath out of me. I can't share it. But please just be in prayer for a family that I thought was rock solid and it turns out it has a huge crack right down the middle. My heart is broken for them and it's hard for me to wrap my brain around. I am praying for each of them; the one who is being romanced by Satan and the ones left to wonder why and wondering how to pick up the pieces. Please God do what You must to reconcile this family. Touch the hearts involved. Draw this family to your heart. Restore what has been lost. Heal. Heal. Heal. So much is at stake. So much more than just this family. Far reaching, impactful family...split. I can't believe it. I can't understand. Finding my heart heavy and eyes full of tears. All I know to do Lord is to give it to You.

Take it. Do what You must.

Friends, please pray even though you do not know specifics, God does. Pray for this broken family. Thank you VERY much.

Anyone, anyone??

Does anyone read/check this blog anymore? It has been SO long since I’ve posted anything here, I assume that any readers I had have long since gone. I hope to begin writing more but wasn’t sure if anyone was still reading. However, I suppose that I could still write and post here even without readership, because it is and always has been therapeutically cleansing for me. Yet, I am curious if anyone is still “out there”.

Not-So-Random Piece of Paper

I wouldn’t call it “bitter” or “resentful”, but when Father’s Day rolls around a part of me aches. Fortunately, I have an exceptional dad. That’s not the source of my pain. It's my daughter’s lack of a dad. I know, I know; she has a wonderful PawPaw, Uncle Jeff, Mr. Ken, Mr. Buster, etc…the list goes on and on. But, this little girl does not have a dad. Not the way it is “supposed to be.”

Every year at church or at school they make something to take home to their dads. (Knife to the heart…) The first year this happened was the worst for me. I didn’t expect it to catch me off-guard the way it did. In her bag was a laminated construction paper football that said, “Thanks for always catching me, daddy!” Who was I supposed to give this to? What was I supposed to do with this horrible reminder of her situation? I knew she had no idea what it was about really; she was only 18 months old after all. But it sent a pain through my heart that stung quite deeply. (Especially since I knew the years to follow would be marked with these kinds of things over and over again.) But we moved forward as we always do.

Let me take you forward to THIS year. In her bag I found a piece of white paper with little informational things about “my daddy.” It had sentences like, “My daddy’s favorite thing to do is_______.” My daddy’s eyes are________.” Etc… I was told that my daughter worked on this and filled it out about her PawPaw. OK, that works for me. It was cute (and funny) and decorated in browns and blues. This little paper had a larger colored piece of construction paper glued to the back, as a background. My daughter was the last one to select her background paper from the large stack (about an inch thick stack, I’m told) of construction paper. The piece she chose, from the middle of the stack had actually been used before. It was a “scrap piece” that her teacher didn’t realize was put back in there. Turns out, it was the only “scrap piece” in the whole stack. Of course that’s the one she picked. Of course! You see, even though she couldn’t see what that page really was when she selected it and pulled it from the stack…God knew. That one lone page was a page previously used to cut out a shape of a cross. So what was left was a sheet of paper with a beautiful cross shaped hole in it. THAT page is the one glued to the back of her informational paper about “her daddy.”

You may think that is merely coincidence. I don’t, and neither did her teacher who was also moved to tears by this incident. I think my little girl selected that particular piece because of the Holy Spirit. Not so much for her, because at this point she still doesn’t understand all of this “grown up stuff.” But God knows that her teacher could use this to reinforce what God means to her as her Father and so that I could also be comforted by this as well. There is a hole in this child’s heart…but just like this paper, it can only be filled by our loving Father, a Father so loving that He sent His Son to die for us. THAT is her Father. That is the reminder of His love. The cross. That is the hole in the page. That is the hole in her heart. ONLY GOD, through CHRIST can fill it. And He will…

Little things will probably always have a sting when it comes to her dad. This is reality. But I love my Lord so much; He reminds us that He holds that little girl so close to His heart. He reminds me daily how unique and special she truly is and He has filled her life with MANY amazing men. She is SO blessed. And so am I. I know she means SO much to Him and I never doubt how special she is to Him.

I love you Father God. Father to the fatherless! Please always hold her extra close. She needs You very much; and so do I. Thank You for this unique little blessing on a not-so-random piece of construction paper. You amaze me every day!

Endings are for Gratitude, Beginnings are for Faith

Gracious Father, grant me a spirit of gratitude. Help me feel the preciousness of past grace. Give me an honest memory of mercy. Forgive me for the pride of unremembered gifts and callous thanklessness. Awaken faith in my wavering soul and give me strong confidence in Your solid promises. Where past and future meet make me humble and bold.

In Christ's Precious Name,

AMEN

Thanks to John Piper for the words.