My Past and My Future

(Reader warning: If you don't want to read about my love life or lack thereof, please stop reading now.)

Interesting weekend. The past showed up. Not in a bad way....thank goodness!

I ran into an old family friend. I hadn't seen since him I was a little girl, until we crossed paths at our Men's Breakfast on Saturday. He wasn't anything like I remembered. Funny how time changes people. He's grown up, married, and looks the exact opposite of what he did as a little kid. He went from a 12 year old to a 36 year right in front of my face. Weird.

I also had an another old, very dear friend show up at our house completely unexpected. His mother had passed away. He was in town from out of state. I hadn't seen him in many years. This is someone I've known since elementary school. We were boyfriend/girlfriend off and on for years. Our timing always STUNK. We couldn't ever get it right at the right time. GREAT guy.

It was interesting to see him as a man. You know, with a beautiful Godly wife, three kids, and a business. It was good. He's turned into the man I always knew he would, even though he never believed me back then. I've always kind of measured guys in my life by him, or at least what I saw in him...(which he became, by the way!). (He'd probably shake his head in disappointment that I thought so highly of him that I would measure others by him, you know?...He doesn't know what a rare gem he is...people are funny that way some times.) I didn't pine over him all these years. It is that he was the only one I got really close to romantically that I knew without a doubt had a REAL relationship with God through Jesus...until much later in my life. His relationship with God made him incredibly attractive. Was he perfect...ummmm, NO WAY. Not even close. But he had desire to be. He made efforts to be. He was purposeful and intentional with that desire, even though he often fell short. Guys like him are RARE, actually. Most people go around bobbing up and down with the flow of life...completely unintentional. ACK! That's SO unattractive. Did he mess up? Yes, regularly! But he never quit, never gave up his intense desire to be holy, to be like God. He failed. A lot. But he never stopped pursuing God. And now he is daily reaping the benefits of such desire and intent.

This guy struggles still struggles with things. (Who doesn't?) I heard it in the conversation between he and my family, but he knows how much God loves him, guides him and has sheltered and protected him over the years---from a wretchedly dysfunctional family, from himself as a struggling young man, and from the world in general. He has MUCH to be thankful for. He's been walking in God's love and protection as long as I've known him. Now, he finally realizes it.

I always thought that if I ever saw him again it would make me long for what his wife has...HIM...but it didn't. It really didn't. I didn't long for HIM at all....I saw him differently because I am different. Not because he isn't a wonderful man, because he IS. Not because he isn't attractive, because he is. Not because he isn't this or that..he is. He is most everything a Christian woman would want. He is ALL of those things...but I didn't covet his wife's husband. I didn't want him back for myself. Not even for a second. I am so happy to see what God has blessed him with. No one deserves it more. You see, he is wonderful, but he isn't FOR ME. He is for Christy. He is God's plan for Christy.

I know there is a plan for me too. I know that even though I struggle with certain temptations and shortcomings that I remain desirous and intentional of being a Godly woman. I want a man that is the same way. Imperfect, struggling, tempted, yet, fighting to be holy and Godly. I want a man who takes that seriously and is intentional with those things. You see, I saw a wonderful man, the kind any woman would be thrilled and blessed to have, but I also saw a REAL person. Someone who trusts in God, who falls short, but keeps fighting for his holiness. He is blessed for it...I want a man like that. Not THAT particular man. I know my man exists. I KNOW that. I am committed to him. I am committed to not seeking a perfect man, but to waiting for that man who desires holiness with his entire being. Not one who has it...yet. He is being made perfect. BEING MADE...but not yet perfect. I don't expect perfection, just the desire for Godliness and holiness. I am committed to it. It's that or nothing. I will honor my commitment. I am committed to him. I've been committed to him. I will wait for him. God's got it covered. I trust God and will settle for nothing short of my standard. I have one. There is a standard, and my standard will not think the standard is high, that 's part of why I will love him so much, he will lament his imperfections and failures, but will still seek daily to be made perfect in Christ. That's who I am committed to. That's him. That's the one.

Running into the past made me recommit. It fueled the commitment I made to my standard. We all need standards. Don't worry if anyone else understands your "standard" or not. God doesn't always choose the ones who appear to be "just right"...ask Moses, ask David. Just have a standard of someone seeking to be holy, most certainly failing, but striving and desiring it everyday of their life. Settle for nothing less. God used my past to remind me to be faithful to my commitment. He had someone walk right into my living room after MANY years like a ghost from the past, to rekindle that which Satan is trying to blow out...my fire. My commitment is burning white hot. I'm not settling. All or nothing baby!