Splinters In Your Back

"As the Father sent me, I am sending you." John 20:21

Ponder that statement. Think about what that might mean. Does it scare you at all? Does it make you uncomfortable at all? Does it make you wonder? If it doesn't, you might want to read it again; ponder it more deeply. As God sent Jesus, He is sending YOU.

How did God send Jesus? What was Jesus' mission? What did it look like?

He humbled himself. He took the form of servant. He was obedient even to the point of DEATH. He went from the riches of heaven to earthly rags; from exaltation to humiliation; authority to obedience; significance to rejection; comfort to hardship; safety to danger; life to death. THAT is what his mission looked like. He calls YOU in the same way. Does that make you uncomfortable NOW? Did you look at that list???

Do you take that mission seriously? And to what lengths? Do you carry his message into the workplace? Into your family? Your city? Your country? What about into the depths of another country? Would you go that far? Would you risk your comfort? Your safety? Your life? Would you; to share His love, His hope, His life with someone who desperately needs it? What does your mission look like? Does it look like his? If not, why not? Are you willing? As the Father sent Him, so He sends YOU.

Ignore this if you choose. Don't ponder it. Read it and go to the next blog, the next email, the phone, or whatever. It is your choice. But no matter what you choose to do, KNOW that you have been called just as He was. JUST AS HE WAS. Are you willing to dilute the mission to fit your needs, your desires, your schedule and your comforts, your lukewarm/sideline Christianity? How far are you willing to go? To what lengths? Or are you just along for the ride and waiting for the next person to cross YOUR path? What is being in His service costing you? Anything? It cost Him everything. And as He was sent, so YOU are sent. We are to die to ourselves and pick up our cross and follow Him. When was the last time you felt the weight of a cross your back? Have you ever felt it? Are there any splinters in your back? Have there ever been any? He is calling you, just as He was called. He is sending you, just as He was sent. Ponder it along with me and see if you (we) are TRULY living the mission.

Redirection

The best way to deal with certain discontentments in your life is to stop focusing on them. Stop draining your gifts and energy into them. Whatever those things are in your life that you are discontented with that are not changing, I say: redirect your energies.

I say that because that is what God is telling me to do in my own life. For the MOST part, I am content. I have a VERY blessed life. Sure there are areas that I would like to be better. Some of those areas I have been "battling" with for some time. I have tried everything I know of to make them better. I have prayed and prayed. I have read my Bible searching for answers. I have sought wise counsel. Yet, nothing changes. That is hard for me to accept. Then it occurred to me, what if that part of my life isn't supposed to change? What if it isn't going to change no matter what I do, or try, or pray? What if it isn't meant to change? What if it is one of the billions of things in my life that isn't in my control to change?

Once I got that seemingly simple concept in my head, then I thought, what would be the point of continuing to pour so much of myself into it? Perhaps, God is saying, "trust in Me and release your discontent. Give it over to me and focus that extra part of you on others." There are lots of people in my life that need extra attention, love, kindness, etc...and I have it to give.

So I am doing that. It is amazing how quickly the discontentment fades when you pour into others who so desperately need it. When we take the focus off of ourselves (which for many of us is hard to do) and redirect our focus onto others in need, our own issues lessen and fade. Bringing joy to others refuels me. Focusing on me and things I have no control over, drains me. Those things I need to release to Him, reminding myself that many times, more action is not better. Remember Carlotta, "Be still and know that I am God." Give of yourself where it is most needed and wanted. There you will find joy, peace and contentment.

Angels Among Us.

(Three posts in one day. That might be a record for me.)

The Bible is clear about angels among us. One of them works where I do. She may be one of my angels--one that God placed here for me. ;) She always has the words and the knowing spirit I need. She prays for me and with me. She prays for people she doesn't even know but does so because they are important to me. She is my never-faltering cheerleader. She never changes her support and she always stands firm with me. She is steadfast and she sees my heart and my desires and shares my excitement and hope. Her faith in my dreams and her trust in God to fulfill my desires is unyielding. She is my friend and my angel.

Thank you God for your angels. I saw one today for what she was and it was breathtakingly beautiful. I am so blessed.

Frustrated AT God?

For your name's sake O Lord, pardon my guilt, for it is great. Turn to me and be gracious to me, for I am lonely and afflicted. The troubles of my heart are enlarged, bring me out of my distresses.--Psalm 25:11, 16-18 Sometimes my heart has the same cry as David's. My guilt is great. I am lonely. I am distressed. The troubles of my heart are HUGE. Bring me out of this!!! Can you relate sometimes? Boy I can. Sometimes however, I am on the mountain top! I am full of joy and peace and harmony. I swim and float in the cool waters of my gracious and loving Lord. All seems well in my world.

There are scriptures for all of the ups and downs of life. Isn't is awesome to be able to pick up the Word of God and know that we are not alone? To see that life as a Christian is not one smooth and perfect ride, with no bumps or bruises, for anyone. But to also see that there is hope and joy and true LIFE to be enjoyed as well. God is gracious to have given us this amazing book to help us on this wild ride of life and the pursuit of His Will. I cannot fathom the kindness, love, forgiveness, and grace He gladly gives to me. My feeble mind cannot conceive of such love. Yet, I am learning to accept and embrace it whether or not I truly understand it. And sometimes that is quite difficult. When I feel absolutely unlovable, and there are those times, and He loves me anyway, it is almost frustrating! Sometimes I just want to yell at Him, "Haven't you given up on me yet?! What is the matter with You? Can't you seem I am a MESS? Can't you see that I can't seem to get this thing right? Can't you see that I have screwed up again?!!" And yes, He sees all of that, He knows it all, but He loves me any way. EVEN in my frustration with Him and His love. With people, eventually after enough messes and enough screw-ups and enough sin and enough enough enough...there is a limit. Some/most people will bail out on you! I can grasp that! I see it all the time. I've deserved to be bailed on. But God, He is relentless with me. He just keeps on loving me and pursuing me and forgiving me. Sometimes I simply don't understand how or why. But as I have mentioned before, some things I need to just accept that I will never understand. "Lean not on your own understanding..."

Thank you God for your Word. Thank you for loving me when I am unlovable. For seeing Christ when you look at me instead of my mess! I don't get it, sometimes I don't know how to accept it. But right now, today, in this very moment, I thank you for it. You know, I certainly NEED it.

I am blessed beyond reason and in ways I cannot even comprehend. Thank you Lord for the good and the bad. I am learning and growing from it. I am in a wonderful place of hope, discovery, and internal change.

Construction Zone

As you can probably surmise if you’ve been reading: Carlotta is under construction. Perhaps the better term would be that I am under “re-construction”. We probably should all be regularly going through some kind of change and growth. Otherwise: stagnation. And stagnation is not something I am alright with.

At 34 years old, I am learning to look deeper. Who’d have thought it would take this long? I’ve always thought of myself as a deep person. But in light of recent discoveries and realizations, I understand that I haven’t been very deep with myself. It’s a tough realization. I have been deep with others regarding their own “stuff”. But I have been fearful of being deep with myself and sharing those depths with anyone else.

Somehow, someway, something, someone has discovered the key to the massive lock securing my dungeon of secrets. And a dungeon is exactly what it is. The dark cold place where I lock up my unpleasant, un-pretty, sometimes graphic and scary realities of my life. The horrific memories that I despise that cannot be erased. The thoughts that I hate thinking. The actions that I am ashamed of. The fears that I have not yet overcome. The parts of me that are everything opposite of what I am “supposed” to be. I assume that everyone has a place like this. The wise ones share it. The wise ones release it. The wise ones at the very least acknowledge its existence. I have been fooling myself and thus have been unable to share my true self with anyone else, much less BE my true self. This is not what God intended. He made me. He knows me…even the stuff in the dungeon. He created me for more and if I do not learn to open up and follow the scripture in James 5:16, I do not have much hope of becoming what He intended. Hiding out won’t cut it.

BUT, joyfully, I feel as though my flood gates have been opened and even though some of the things that are flooding out that I am experiencing and purging are really tough to go through, there is an amazing release and relief in what I am working through. Hence the healing mentioned in James. And I don’t expect that this is a one-time thing. Logic leads me to believe that this confession, this vulnerable and exposed sharing is something that must be done on a continuing basis. And I know I have so much more to purge. I guess that is an on-going need. Otherwise I will find myself in the same place I did before. I don’t want that.

I am not sure why I share this here. Not sure if it just helps me to write the process out or if I hope that someone else will relate or if I think that someone else may have a shared struggle. I'm not sure what the point is, not that it has to have a point. It is on my heart, so I write. But I thank you for reading, commenting, calling, emailing, etc… It is great to know that even if I am a complete freak…which I just might be, that I have great friends, supporters and encouragers even so.

My Disease

I have a disease. I do not talk about it. But I am going to write about it because writing is therapeutic for me. I am beginning to win the battle with this disease. God is the ultimate healer. The master physician. There are illnesses, diseases and disorders that people say there is NO CURE for. But God continues to prove them wrong. I believe in healing, because I believe in a God who has more power than the human brain can fathom. More power than science. More power than illness and disease.


OK, well the disease I am referring to isn't what you may think. I am not going to share with you physical ailments. What I am sharing with you is the disease I have had for many years to please people. And it is an illness. The "disease to please". It is SICK. It truly is SICK! It seems harmless on the surface. Most people-pleasers are wonderful people, with BIG hearts. Most people like the people-pleasers that they know. The biggest problem at least for me with this disease is when I change ME to please someone else. When I change who God designed me to be. When I attempt to go against my wiring or when I go against something God has placed in my heart. I'd like to say I haven't done that. I'd like to say, I have always held fast to WHO GOD MADE ME TO BE. But I haven't always. I have sacrificed those things in order to keep or make other people happy and content. And that is WRONG.

Part of what occurred over the weekend that I shared in my previous post is even related to this issue. Part of why I haven't opened up and shared and confessed my sinful issues and struggles to other people is a part of me not wanting to let others down. And in my twisted little mind, if they hear the real things about me, they'd be disappointed, some even might be hurt. I can't have that, right?! So, I go along, closed up yet suffocating on the inside.

I feel as though I have been in serious therapy lately, but I haven't seen a therapist, exactly. There are some things that God is revealing to me both through scripture AND through people in my life. I have done far better over the last few years about the people pleasing issue, BUT, after some soul-searching and some brutal honesty with myself and reviewing events that have occurred, I have seen much deeper into Carlotta. Deeper than I have in a very long time. And I see much more work is required. And there are some issues I WILL BE addressing. Deep ones. Personal ones. Painful ones. Healing ones.

I do not want to be a people-pleaser anymore. And certainly not at the expense of who God created me to be. Honestly, I have done that. I cannot continue. This doesn't mean I am going to be a mean, hurtful, person who doesn't care about others and their needs. But I have marauded around at many times being someone that someone else wanted/expected me to be...NOT who I am inside and NOT in the ways I am wired. And that is dishonest and wrong.

God does use US to help and heal each other. It has been directly in response to the people in my life that so many things are being revealed to me and changed within me. I am being challenged, changed, pulled open, and exposed. And for me, that is a very good thing. Don't get me wrong it isn't all sunshine and rainbows....it can be painful, but even sometimes the pain is a much needed release. Does that sound odd to you? Pain-being a good thing to experience? It does to me. It is foreign to me. I have worked so hard to not deal with pain and to protect others from pain...even when doing so has been a catastrophic mistake. I do not want to do that anymore. I want to live authentically, whether that is always a "pretty picture" or not. No longer avoiding the painful things. No longer skirting the unpleasantness. I know there are many of joyful times and experiences in my life, but I am realizing there is great progress to be made in dealing with and facing and even experiencing the ugly and painful parts of Carlotta too. I do not want to hide out anymore. I am going to face my diseases and deal with them. All of them. Knowing that no matter what they are...they can be healed bringing God the glory.

Thank you God, for the people in my world. I am so blessed. You use them to change me, bless me, and open my eyes--sometimes when they don't even realize it. I am not perfect. I am not always OK. I need to free myself by sharing my pain and confessing what needs to be confessed and shared in order to receive that healing and release I so desperately need and want. I need to free Carlotta to be Carlotta, not what anyone else expects me to be. I need to stop avoiding...and avoiding...and avoiding. Thank you for placing people in my life who love me enough to be used by you to reach me deeply. Thank you for placing the desire within them to continue chipping away at the walls around me. I am blessed.

Say Anything

Therefore, confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed.

-James 5:16

Confession. It's been fairly easy for me to do with God. Probably because it is no NEW news to Him what I have done or thought. He is totally aware. He knows I keep sinning. He knows I sin every single day. Some in small ways (in "human" terms) and some in BIG ways. I sin every day. And I hate it. He knows I hate it. I hate that I mess up. I hate that I say I won't do something again and then I do it...again. I hate to ask for more grace and more forgiveness. When will it be enough? When will it be over? Ever? Well, eventually it will be...but there will not be a day that I am walking this earth that I do not need His grace and forgiveness. And I truly hate that. I expect so much of myself and in contrast to that I really don't live up to much of those high expectations. I am SO human. I am fatally human.

The scripture at the top of this post, isn't talking about confessing to God. While that certainly needs to happen as well, this verse talks about confessing our sins to each other. Ummm, BIG problem for me. BIG BIG problem for me. Why? What could a nice Christian girl like me have in her life that could be so bad? Plenty, trust me. I am no more immune to sin than any one else. Some things I used to struggle with...I do not struggle with anymore. Praise GOD! Some I have struggled with for years. Some sins are new to me in this time in my life. Yet, sin is sin. It is something every single person participates in. We all sin and fall short of the glory of God. DUH! But how would confessing any of my specifics to another person be of any good? There are details of my life that I do not want to burden others with and some that are painful to admit to. There are sins that are ugly and petty that I do not want to even speak of them. There are sins that I don't believe others could handle knowing. Isn't it enough that God knows them?? Why expose yourself like that to someone else? I am much too private for that. Why does it say to confess our sins to each other? And why is that SO hard for me to do? I am not perfect. I never ever claim to be. Yet, I don't want to be specific about any of it with another person. Not with you guys. Not with my coworkers. Not with my friends. Not with anyone. Or so I thought.... I thought that the shame and the ugliness of it was too much to open up and expose to another person. At least that is what I thought.

Well, I learned a little something (or a big something) about that yesterday. I have a very dear friend whom I treasure deeply. One who is real, genuine, and persistent enough with me that I cannot escape their efforts to open me up. I like that. Anyone who knows me well, knows that I guard my personal "stuff" behind steel and granite walls. Truly I do. I can share my heart. My troubles at work or with love or with this or that. BUT...the ugly stuff gets locked away in places I only open for God...and even then sometimes reluctantly. Yet, for the first time---maybe ever, I was "encouraged/persuaded" to confess some of the things I deal with specifically as far as my sinful nature. I didn't understand why. I didn't understand why they would even want to know. I didn't want to SAY the words. But I am so thankful and grateful that I did. The truth is, it was a bit cathartic. NO that is not right....it was very cathartic. Why did it create a purging, releasing, renewing effect for me? Why was I so scared to have someone else...another HUMAN BEING...hear the words...and truly KNOW me. The real ME that I hide from everyone else. The part of me that I do not like. BUT everyone needs to have another human being with whom they can let down ALL guards and it be OK. That someone that you can SAY ANYTHING to and they don't run away in horror. Someone who gets it. Someone who gets you. Someone who understands and even when they don't relate exactly they still have that knowing spirit of "I get it, I get you, I understand the turbulent waters. I struggle too. YOU ARE NOT ALONE." Yesterday I shared only the tip of my ugly iceberg, but to my surprise it was a great thing. In the middle of a crazy, messed up situation--exposing and confessing to another person: my sins, my shame, my ugliness was VERY healing. I don't know why or how, but it was a balm to my soul that I don't know that I have ever experienced. Perhaps that is part of why in the book of James it tell us to do this. He didn't say to shout our sins from the rooftops. He didn't say tell everyone we know. But he did say to confess them to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. Healed of what? Healed how? It didn't say. But I can tell you, even though it was just a first-step...a first-time...an unsteady, shaky, and probably a little awkward first-time for me to do this....my soul feels a comfort and a healing that I didn't expect to come out of that situation and circumstance. God loves me, accepts me, forgives me and draws me close...and sometimes I cannot get my brain around all of that. But there is a different kind of healing in sharing the human experience even in its ugliest state with another person whom you trust. As many words as I write and use...I cannot find the words for how this felt and how it helped my spirit. But it was very needed in my life. And I hope I can go back to that well for its refreshment to my troubled soul.

I will not speak so openly and bluntly with most people. Probably not with anyone else....not on that level and I really only scratched the surface yesterday. But I've always believed that every person should have that one person with whom they can share WHATEVER it may be that plagues them. Whatever it may be haunting them. Whatever it may be casting darkness into their world. But I have never been brave enough or open enough to expose those things of mine to another human being. God yes...but no one else. For some it is their spouse...should be if you are married I believe. For some it is a trusted Christian friend. For some it may be a pastor. For some it may be a parent. But confessing my sins and struggles and shameful moments to another struggling soul was surprisingly helpful for me. For the first time I can remember...I feel real. I don't feel like a fake or a fraud or an impostor. I feel honest. And all of that from just exposing the tip of my iceberg.

There is wisdom in James 5:16. Not at all surprising coming directly from God's Word. But as in all things of this nature, be wise, use discernment and discretion with whom you bare your soul and your struggles. Not everyone wants to hear those things. Not everyone can handle knowing those things. Not everyone wants that level of intimacy. KNOW the boundaries. Some can handle it. Some cannot.

For those of you with those amazing relationships in your life where you can SAY ANYTHING, rejoice and thank God for blessing you with that person or people. That kind of thing, I learned yesterday is absolutely priceless. If you do not have that person, pray about it and for it. Don't have them in your life for years only to be too scared to reveal yourself. Don't live like I have. Under lock and key, never baring your true reality and seeking understanding and prayers from another trusted soul. Listen to the scripture in James. Do what it says. Confess your sins...certainly to God, but to each other as well. Pray for each other. In so doing these things you will find a healing--a balm to your spirit.

SAY ANYTHING...more than a great movie with a great song (one of my MOST favorites). Confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. SAY ANYTHING.

Is This An Informercial?

I totally dig my Pilate's chair. I cannot find a muscle group that it won't work out. It is quite the little contraption. I only wish I had known about it sooner. It is quickly becoming my favorite toy. It is so easy to use. It doesn't take a lot of time. It is quite fun actually. And it works all of my muscle groups AND gets my heart rate up. So not only it is great for a muscle toning program it is also a great cardio workout as well. All in one. I dig that A LOT! I don't have to pay gym membership fees and I am not out in the heat...(but sweating nonetheless.) :)

Even though it came with several different dvd's and a chart of exercises etc...I have even come up with some of my own exercises on the thing to target some areas I want specifically worked out even more. It's great. It takes quite a lot for something to get me that excited about working out...but I actually don't hate it...in fact, I look forward to working out with it. That's quite something.

Ok, so now that I have gone on and on about what I how I enjoy getting fit. You tell me what you do to get exercise...do you have something you do that you really enjoy? Share with me. Perhaps I'll discover other ways to enjoy getting in great shape from your favs.

Christian Imposters

are there any REAL Christians left? where has true authenticity gone? has everyone given up and bowed to conformity? why must we all want to be just like everyone else? will no one stand up? be unique? will no one be bold? will no one say what no one else dares to say? is everyone too afraid of being "different"? is there anyone else who sees the ever-shrinking supply of truly deep people who long to live out their unique calling? must we all look the same, talk the same, dress the same, and think the same? Jesus certainly did not conform, Jesus was not the "norm". why are we so inclined to hide our true selves and instead blend in with crowd? we are called for more than conformity...we are called to reach a lost world...most of whom do not fit in "the box", we are called to be like Christ...who was the definition of DIFFERENT.

where are those of us truly reaching out to the lost? to the poor ones, the addicted ones, the unbathed ones, the criminal ones, the ones living in tiny apartments or under bridges? where are the ones talking with prostitutes and the adulterers? why aren't we standing at the well giving the "least of these" the water of life? why aren't we really reach out to them? are we? are we REALLY???? i just don't see it. not from where I am standing. (then again, where I am standing is just so pretty...)

where are the Christians actually following in Christ's footsteps? did you pay attention where his feet walked and who his life intermingled with? it wasn't pretty. it was REAL though and it reached so many...and it reached them DEEPLY. are we reaching anyone really? much less DEEPLY? are we comfortable and content with the status quo? isn't it easier to not think about it, to look away, to remain numb and unburdened by the droves of lost souls aimlessly wandering this planet? wouldn't it be nice if it just weren't your problem? how about we just give a bit cash to a charity? how about we attend a local mission effort at a food bank or homeless shelter a couple of times a year so that we can check that off our Christian to-do list?? how about we just tithe and let the church handle it?

makes me sad, make me frustrated, makes me long for my true home away from this world, sometimes I fear that we are too far gone to reach, sometimes I don't like this world at all and don't want to be here. sometimes Christians infuriate me. sometimes I am embarrassed by them...and by myself. we were not made for this world...so why do we desperately seek our comfort here? we are called to bear a cross. but are we? are we really burdened by a cross? or are we faking? are we impostors? i think most are impostors sadly...perhaps I am too. (heavy sigh...)

how can people come into contact with the love of God, shown through Christ and his death and still be so shallow and luke-warm? so fake and bound by conformity? we are not much like him...truly. we are impostors. i have been. perhaps i still am. how do we wear his name and still sleep at night?

I am soooo burdened by all of this. Are you?? Is it just me? Am I the freak? Would that be such a bad thing?

Action Verbs

God gives. God takes. God's name be ever blessed...
Job 1:21

I would like to understand the WHYS of this life. I really would. I struggle with them A LOT. I don't always understand WHY. Yet, not all things are for me to understand. That is something we (I) must learn to accept. The concept is called faith. For me, faith is not just believing in things unseen. It is accepting that which I simply cannot understand. God gives. Easy to understand and accept. God takes. Harder to grasp. But in all things even those which I don't understand and those which I simply don't like at all...trust and faith are critical. I know that there are lessons, protection, and grand orchestration of all things that God is the center of. I simply cannot understand it all. But I trust that in all things such as these that His view and His plan are FAR superior to mine. That alone sometimes is all that will bring me peace.

Lord help me to not spin and wrestle with all of the things that I don't like, that don't seem right or fair or just, the things that I simply DO NOT UNDERSTAND. Grant me peace and remind me of your infinite wisdom and love for me.

Trust and faith are daily activities for me. They are verbs in my life...not nouns, but action verbs. They are not "givens". They are intentional. They are something I have to wake up and DO. It is not second-nature. Still. I am still God's work in progress.

God gives. God takes. Whether my understanding can grasp it or not. But may I always trust in Him and His wisdom and bless His name forever and ever.

Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding.
Proverbs 3:5

Yoger and other fun stuff...

(Thank you guys for asking me about running and holding me accountable, please don't quit...I appreciate the calls, emails etc...) Ok, so my challenge of running regulary has been hampered by a crazy schedule at work over the last couple of weeks and for at least the next full week as well. Couple that with the stifling Texas heat and I have not been running much. At best I have been walking...with the kiddo. BUT.... you know there's always a "BUT", right?!?!?

BUT, I found something to fill in the gaps. Woo Hoo!! Something I can do in the air-conditioned comfort of my home, ahhhhhhh! I got a Pilate's chair. And believe it or not....it is not a medieval torture device like most exercise machines and pieces of workout equipment seem to be to me. I got it Friday and have got on it and worked out with it several times already. Some days I did it two or three times a day. I love it. It is something I really look forward to doing. And in the three days I have had it...I can already SEE some small changes in my body. Especially my legs. There is already some definition in places where I haven't seen definition in over two years. VERY COOL. I am thinking that if I can SEE results in three days, how much more can this little machine do for me if I continue using it regularly? AND when the heat of the summer lets up a little and I get out and run on opposite days--what a great program I will have going! I am really enjoying my re-commitment to rebuilding and changing my body back to the strong, healthy machine that God designed it to be. My daughter and I have been exercising together in the evenings. It's hilarious to watch her copy what I do...in a way that only a silly two year old can. We get down in the floor together and stretch, do push ups, crunches, etc...and we do lots of yoga poses and movements. She loves it. She says we exercise and do "yoger". So while running may be a taking a bit of a backseat right now...I haven't given up on it and certainly not on the main goal. Lean and mean. And despite all of the craziness in my schedule lately and the evil heat outside...things are coming along quite nicely. I still love my new shoes. I've worn them a lot already. Just looking forward to when the weather lets up this fall and I can run more faithfully without having a heat stroke. But until then, I will have to take opportunities when and where I can to run and continue to supplement my process with the Pilate's chair and my floor-exercise-fun with my hilarious little side-kick.

So, it is not going as planned, but the plan can and has changed slightly. So far I have really enjoyed it. Spending time with my angel, both of us doing things that are healthy and fun--and doing it together has been awesome. (She loves the Pilate's machine...she gets on it and she loves to watch me on it...in fact last night she got a little mad when I had finished my workout and stopped for the night...She kept trying to push me back over to it. It was funny. "Do again, do again mommy!")

Getting in shape and reinforcing the concept of health and fitness with my daughter is a great thing. We are having a grand time together. I need to do before and after pics of my progress...so I can see how much changes. Not that I would let anyone else see them. But I think it would be fun!

Converting a Control Freak

Can it be done???

I heard the quote today that "it is not the things that we did do that we regret so much as the things we didn't do but should have." I have plenty of things in my life that I do regret doing--we all do. But in contrast, my biggest regrets are the things I simply didn't do/wouldn't do. The things I thought I was too weak to do. The things I was too afraid to say. The things that I didn't have enough faith to step out and attempt. The things I was too fearful to stand up for. The things that I knew that I simply couldn't do or put off until it was too late to do them. That is something God is working out in me. It has been a recurring theme in my life lately. I can't seem to escape it. And as I usually do, I share with you guys (whoever you all may be) what I am learning or going through because I know that many of us have the same struggles and battles and sometimes we don't realize or believe that others may be dealing with them too.

I do not want to look back on my life and know that God placed something in my path or in my heart and that I didn't follow through on because of my lack of ability or my lack of faith/trust. The problem with me is that sometimes I focus way too much on ME. I have failed before and I constantly remind myself of those failings. I relive them over and over in my mind--only to push myself further and further down. I have failed so miserably on so many occasions. I have crashed and burned in SO many areas of my life. I have been blinded by those things. I have USED those failures to hold myself back the next time something else comes along. I fear failing AGAIN. It is one of my biggest fears. It has paralyzed me at times. But on some occasions, I have really pumped myself up and reinforced within myself that 'I am able, I am capable, I can do this!!!!' and when I do that I get all bold and brave and I jump...and fail. Then I look up from the ground where I lay bleeding, thinking, "What the heck happened???" "Why didn't that work? Why didn't God bless me? Why didn't God make that happen the way it should have?" Well, if you looked at what I said before, those attempts have been MY attempts, MY risks, MY efforts. I never said, "God I know that YOU can do this, God YOU are able, YOU are capable and I trust in YOU, not ME." Many many times, I put it all on me and expect God to be the back-up. Does that sound as wrong to you as it does to me??? Use God as BACK-UP?! MOST TIMES those things didn't go well for me. Why can't I get the focus off of me? On my own...I will most times fail. I am just not that good. I am not that capable. I am not that strong, wise, or able. I know this full well. But when I enlist my Father, FULLY, those challenges can be met and won beautifully, bringing blessing to Him, to others and to me...but only because it is Him--not me and the glory should go to Him not me, so that I do not boast that it was me.

Yesterday, a challenge arose for me. I had a moment in a meeting where I knew I needed to speak up and take a risk. It was something I had been internally battling for quite some time. However, I didn't think it was "in MY best interest" for me to speak up. I thought it was too risky. I feared what others would think of me. But it was something that had been burning in my heart, kept me from sleeping, something I couldn't mentally leave alone. So, prodded by God I believe, I took a deep breath asked God to do it for me but through me) and in a big meeting I opened my big mouth and let the words come. I exposed that struggle, my heart, my concerns, my lack of understanding, and my related disapproval of some things I was seeing in ministry. Since I work in ministry, I felt that voicing all of that was quite risky for me among my peers, my boss, and for my employment in general....which is part of why I battled it so long. God is funny about not letting you escape something He wants you to learn and work through and grow from. I couldn't get rid of these concerns and struggles. He knew that. He placed them there. He also has been begging me to trust Him, to let go of being in control, to let Him handle my life, to jump off the symbolic cliffs of risk when He brings me to them...not relying on my own abilities or track record (because they will not hold me up), but relying on HIS abilities and track record, knowing that I can soar on HIS wings, but certainly not mine.

He taught me a lot yesterday. Trusting Him and speaking up in spite of the perceived risk brought a wonderful conversation to life. I was changed and my viewpoint was greatly shifted. I was greatly helped and so were others because I trusted Him to speak through me and to use me. In so doing, I grew!

He's really bringing some amazing things to life in and around me. He's teaching me to see through a different scope. He's showing me that my view and vision is flawed and tainted by my weaknesses and my past failures. He's teaching me how to see things and to see possibilities and hope for change through HIS power, not my insistence on being in control.

What is He working on in YOU? Care to share?

Help me!

Guys, this is a cry for help!

OK, perhaps, not so much a cry for help as a cry for accountability. I figure that if I post my plans here, for the whole world to see, maybe some of you, who actually care for me personally will hold me accountable for the statement I am about to make. I hesitate to do this...because stating it, puts it out there. And then expectations are created. But that's the point of accountability, right guys?

So here I go.... Requesting accountability...on purpose no less. LOL

As many of you who know me personally know...I "used to be" a runner. But the thing about running is...once you've been a runner, it gets in your blood. I grew up running track from a VERY early age. Several years ago, my house was just across the street from a brand new (at the time) local high school. My friend Jennifer and I would go and run at the track in the evenings together. I loved it. Most of the time. It's a love/hate kind of thing...especially during a Texas summer. But the truth is...I got out of it when I moved away from that house. Then I had my daughter and then....and then...and then... For several years now, I have made excuses. Good ones I might add, but excuses nonetheless. I want to start running again. I want my body to be truly healthy again. Not that I am unhealthy by any means (especially since I got those evil tonsils out of my body!! LOL) But healthy and fit, strong and lean. I want that again. So, what did I do? I went to a local store that specifically caters to the running population and I got a great pair of running shoes. The people in this store were incredible. They watched how I walk, they watched how I run, they examined my feet and how they function. They found a pair of shoes that works really well for ME. And even though they were significantly more expensive than I would normally pay for a pair of shoes...I bought them. JOYFULLY actually. They are an investment... but my point in telling you guys this is not just random information for you about my shopping purchases...it is for accountability.

You see, if I make grand plans for my life and yet don't tell anyone...who's to know if I just throw in the towel? Who's to know if I simply quit? I am wired to care more, much MORE, if I have opened my big mouth and told someone my plans. It creates a desire to not let someone down. To not allow someone to think I am a quitter. To not let myself down. Does that make sense to anyone else?

There you have it. I am going to start running again. I am going to make GREAT use of the high-dollar running shoes that I purchased. I am going to make the trek back to being FIT! Please encourage me and hold me accountable, if/when you think about it. I sure would appreciate it!

Hugs to you all!