Are you REALLY there?

It's always the small things, the seemingly insignificant things in my life that become the most cherished. Does it work that way for you too? Sure the exotic vacations were great and the big events have their moments. But the day-to-day things are the ones that always end up most deeply ingrained in my heart.

No one throws a party or takes out a billboard when my daughter says her prayers, but every time she does, I melt and I cherish it. It doesn't make the evening news when a good friend or loved one sees me struggling and simply and quietly gives me a hug that says, "I care, and everything is going to be alright". Sitting and talking and laughing with the people in my life become the moments I treasure. Hours, days, and even years later, I can see their faces and smiles, hear their laughter, and relive those times. They didn't make the cover of the paper, but those moments are priceless to me.

Does life ever get so busy or hectic or routine that you don't even realize where the time is going? It is going! Going very quickly. And if we don't take the time to treasure it, to relish it: it will be gone. Live in the moment. When you are with your children or friends or family...be in that moment with them, not just in physical capacity, but in heart and mind and spirit. Cherish them. Don't be somewhere else mentally. Don't be thinking of your business work load, or about what's going on in your love life, or lack thereof. Don't be mentally running through your finances or economic troubles. Don't be pacifying people with your presence if you are not going to really be there in heart. And don't think it has to be a big event or happening. Watch your child play. Stop and watch them play. Better yet, play with them. Don't always be scurrying about getting things done and wake up one day with a grown child whose precious moments you wasted away on the computer, on the phone, cleaning house, fussing over bills, or whatever it is that you are doing. We are trading precious moments in the lives of those we love for minutia. We are. I know I am. And I certainly am not saying to let your responsibilities get away from you. Not at all. But merely to focus and make a real effort to be in the moment, every moment with those you love. It goes so quickly, and you never know when your last moment with that person may be. You never know when your last moment may be. Drink life in! Relish and treasure the little moments in life. They are truly the most meaningful and most precious. Watch for them. They look mundane on the surface. They will elude you if you don't watch for them. Catch them and soak them up deep into your heart. You will be glad you did!

The Passing of the Baton

There have been a lot of people in my world lately taking time to stop and reflect on their lives. Yes, it has come in the wake of Vanessa's death (see post below). Anyone who lived a life as full as hers and as in love with Christ as hers can't help but cause us to take a closer look at our own lives. I read one blogger say that because of Vanessa, she was going to really go forward and shine! Another spoke of living out her dreams instead of just dreaming them. I wonder when I die, if my life will inspire such wonderful things? Sadly, if it came today, I doubt it would.

The biggest thing I took from Vanessa's life was exactly what knowledge of and relationship with Christ LOOKS like lived out. She knew Him intimately. She was completely changed by Him. She reflected Him to others...ANYONE who came remotely near her felt...HIM.

That is what I want my life to radiate. Christ!! Not me. I want others to know that He has changed me at the very core. He took me, forgave unforgivable things, cleaned me up, loved me like no one else ever has, has stayed loyal to me and stayed by my side every moment. NO ONE else has ever loved me that way. He accepted me when I was COMPLETELY unacceptable. He never once treated me as though I were not good enough. He loved me...the real me. The real me that thankfully ONLY He truly knows...and He loved me and accepted me anyway. Vanessa lived that way too. She illustrated the heart of Christ. She knew what He'd done in her life and she freely gave that love, compassion and acceptance to others. Forgiveness. Am I able to grant it to those who don't deserve it? I can now. He showed me how...up close and personal. Can I accept those that are just plain unacceptable. I can now. He showed me, using myself as an example. Can I be compassionate to those who are hardest to give it to, but need it the most? I can. He did that for me as well. Vanessa lived those things as well and it showed in her life and in her treatment of others. Christ's love changed her. And so she showed that love to others. Was she perfect? No. But the one thing she did exceedingly well was showing Christ to all that came into contact with her...and especially to those who needed it the most. She had a way of really seeing those that were truly searching for Him in this cruel world. In her, they saw Him. In her, they felt Him. In her, they were pointed to Him.

That is what I want to take from Vanessa's example. That's the biggest, most prominent challenge she presented to me in her departure from this life. Carlotta-are you giving them Christ? Can they FEEL Him through you? Does your life draw them closer to Him? Can they see your transformation because of Him and KNOW that they can have that too? Are you radiating Christ? Are you a walking talking illustration of the love of Christ and the amazing life He has so freely blessed you with? Radiate Christ in all that you do. Let them SEE Him in you. Let them HEAR Him in you. Let them FEEL Him in you. And show them that they too can be saved from this life and can walk closely with Him too. Be His example to them. Be the billboard of Christ's love. Vanessa truly was all of that and I so loved that about her! I want to see people like she did...like Christ does. I want them to FEEL His love through ME! I want to start right now. That was her greatest legacy. What could be greater? She passed the baton...

Are you willing to take it? I am. I AM!

An Angel Gone Home

Vanessa Whitwell, 34, beloved by her family and endeared to all, fell peacefully into the loving embrace of her Lord and Savior Jesus Christ on Sunday, April 6, 2008 due to a brain hemorrhage.
Vanessa was born May 9, 1973 in Waco, Texas. She was raised in and around the HEB area and attended Trinity High School in Euless, Texas. After graduating from high school in 1991, Vanessa received a B.S. in Psychology from the University of North Texas in 1996.
Vanessa’s true gift of music influenced her early career choices, but her heart for God drove her to the ministry. Utilizing her superior singing voice, she toured with Sierra, a contemporary Christian singing group in 1999. Completing that tour, she returned to the Dallas/Ft. Worth area and answered a call to work at Fellowship Church in Grapevine, Texas. While on staff at Fellowship, Vanessa initially worked in the creative arts department, helping to facilitate worship with her beautiful singing voice; however, her influence expanded during her nine year tenure to a variety of areas within the church including women’s ministry, resources, conferences and events.
Vanessa approached her relationships with a sincere kindness and with a genuine heart for those in need. Known as an encourager and a consummate cheerleader, Vanessa lived with a passionate ferocity for life spreading joy and laughter along the way. She had a strong faith that dictated her choices, and sense of self that empowered all who came in contact with her.
Vanessa will be dearly missed by her loving husband, Andy Whitwell; her parents, Hugh and Lisa Hunt and Myrna Hunt; her sisters, Leslie, Loryn, and Haylee Hunt; her grandmother, Polly Hunt and grandparents, Mr. and Mrs. George Blackwood; along with numerous aunts, uncles and cousins.

Wasn't My Idea...

There are things that arise in our lives that we need to do or are called to do that we simply do not want to do. We always have our reasons, right? I do. Right now, I am right in the middle of something like that. Life is full of change. Most people are resistant to change. I am not...not usually. I like to change things up. I like things to be different and not grow stale. I like to mix it up. I like change...most of the time. Not today though.

I am struggling with some changes in my life. I do not like the direction several things are going. Things that I do not have control over are being changed whether I like it or not. These changes are not lining up with my way of thinking. They are not what I would do. They are not what I want. But alas, they are not changes I implemented, they are however, changes that affect me. Those are the fun ones, right!? Ha!

So, after a knee jerk moment of tantrum (internal tantrum, mind you), I am trying my best to simply trust. Trust who? Those who are making the changes? Uh..NO. They are humans just like me. I trust only in God who holds me amidst the changes. He knows what is going on, and perhaps He is guiding it. Whether He is or whether He isn't, He takes care of me no matter what. He always has and He always will. All I know to do is trust Him and live the way He wants me to live, even in the face of things I simply do not like. I know that I may not be able to see the plan, the road ahead, or the possibilities brought on by these changes. He knows, He sees, He understands. That has to be enough for me. I am submitting to Him, knowing I am HELD by Him. He holds me no matter what may occur, no matter what changes roll into my life. He can even cause something I think that I won't like AT ALL to be an amazing blessing to me. I know this and I am wholeheartedly trusting in it. I can't see His plan in this, but I know one is there. He always has a plan and it always ends up blessing me. Whether I am able to see it in the beginning or not...He always blesses me when I trust in Him and lean not on my own understanding.

Pray for me to continue to trust and to walk along holding His hand. I know He will guide my steps. Pray that if I have another internal tantrum that it subsides quickly and that I will move forward in faith knowing He holds me, always.

Who's Promoting Who?

This morning I took a quick moment to read some scripture. One scripture has been on my mind the past few days: “My grace is enough for you. When you are weak, my power is made perfect in you.” 2 Corinthian s 12:9. I went back to read the verse in context, not that it was needed because the verse is pretty clear. But I wanted to reread what led up to it and what followed it, in context. I recommend that you read it too. 2 Corinthians 12:1-12

It’s funny, ironic, or simply one of those Holy Spirit things: In my departmental prayer meeting this week, the devotional verse that we went over was Philippians 2:3 which says, “Don’t be selfish; don’t try to impress others. Be humble, thinking others better than yourselves.”

Humility. That is the emerging theme here. Don’t we all sometimes get bogged down in the “importance” of ourselves? Focusing on and vying for the next big promotion. Boasting about how great we are at golf or how smart we are scholastically. Vanity! Haven’t we got it figured out yet? It isn’t about who is the strongest or the best at something. It isn’t about self-promotion. Yet, such things are rampant. “Look at me!” “See how good I am at this or that!” “See how important I am!” But truth be told, HE is it! HIS importance should be what we are promoting. His power is made perfect in us when we are weak. We are to be humble, not boasting and prideful. Humility is a concept that is looked upon by the world as weak and odd. This society, this day and time, humility is counter-cultural. It is WEIRD. But, it is what we are called to. Reflecting His strength, His glory, His honor, HIS IMPORTANCE is our job. If He is to increase, I must decrease. That is tough for most to swallow. But when we do, that is when His power is made perfect in us. IN US! And when it is made perfect in us…THEN do we boast? No. NO! Read what Paul said in 2 Corinthians 12: 1-12, he has reason to boast, he even said it, but he did not boast about it so that Paul wouldn’t be the center, the focus. We must follow suit. Humility, I challenge all of us to take it on, in all aspects of our lives.

That does not mean to be pitiful, victimized, sad, and pathetic. Because we are also told that we have been made more than conquerors. But how did that happen? Because we are so great, because we are so smart, or because we are so important? NOPE. It is only because HE gives us our strength. He is the source of all that we are, all that we’ve been blessed with, and all that the world sees in us. Because of that we should remain humble and only boast that HE is the source and HE is the reason. See the difference? It is not about you or me! It is ALL Him. Now go and reflect that difference to the world!

THE DAY!

THE DAY.

Easter. Triumph. Hope. Life.

Easter is THE DAY, as far as I am concerned. What other day could possibly hold that much JOY?!?

The day that all the questions were answered. The day they all knew it wasn't over. The day that confirmed it all. The day Jesus defeated death. The day he got up and emerged ALIVE from the tomb that once held his lifeless body. The day that changed EVERYTHING. The day He was born was...blessed. The day He died was...painfully tragic. The day He overcame death and arose...GLORIOUS! The rest would have been pointless without the third day. In His triumph over death, we know...we KNOW He is who He said He was, we know that all He has promised is available to everyone who believes and follows His commands. WE KNOW. We are no longer condemned. We are free, we are forgiven, and we will live with Him forever, even after we leave this place, we will go on to be with Him. What hope! What love! Easter!!! The day of life...for Him and for all of us.

Thank you Jesus for all that you bore on my behalf. Thank you for beating death and triumphantly emerging from the tomb. Thank you for loving me beyond all reason and to the farthest lengths. I humbly thank you and serve only you.

Happy Easter one and all!

Girl Talk

I had the best lunch that I have had in a long time, yesterday. I don't mean the food, by the way. Although it was really good too. It was the company that was so refreshing. I had lunch with someone I have never had lunch with before one on one. Someone with whom I am becoming really fond of. A fascinating friend.

We found out that we actually have a lot in common and we talked and talked until we realized that we had been gone way too long and both had to head back to work. It was one of those times where one hour felt like a minute. I love spending time with people like that. You enjoy them so much that the time seems to just fly away. She was fun, real, down to earth, and such a Godly lady. We had a ball talking about food, men, family and most importantly God. It was delightfully refreshing to find someone who is genuinely a ton of FUN and also madly on fire for God and others. She was upbeat, lively, silly and had such a positive outlook on just about everything. Not once did she whine or complain about anything...not anything. How different! How refreshing! How FUN!

Not that I don't like people with issues, problems, challenges and need to talk, vent, let it all out. I do. We all have those times and those needs. But sometimes we can turn into a bundle of negativity and defeat and that is a big problem. This lady was a warrior, she was triumphant, she was a normal human being just like the rest of us, but she sees reality...GOD'S reality and that elevates her to levels far above the norm. She soars, she rises above all the junk that seems to brings so many of us down. I love that about her.

I hope that I can adopt some of her qualities that I so enjoy and admire. I don't want to be a negative person. Because of my relationship with God, His gift of salvation because of His Son's death and resurrection, and my daily guidance and from the Holy Spirit, I have so much to be joyful and thankful for. It should radiate from within me. It should change all that I do, say, and am. Like this lady...it should turn me into a refreshingly FUN and Godly woman.
Let's see if I can adopt this standard of living and go from just being set to SURVIVE to THRIVE!

Orchestrated

God just keeps on surprising me. Yet, I still keep wondering why I am surprised.
I believe in Christian men being around and bonding with other Christian men. I wholeheartedly do. I believe men need to be in close relationship with other Christian men. They grow in different ways spiritually because of those relationships that they simply cannot in relationship with women. One of the reasons I SO love working in that ministry.

I have a new friend who is very connected at church, is a member of a small group and volunteers etc...but I encouraged him to come to the breakfast for men this weekend at my church. He'd never been. Although it was early and he could have been out playing golf...he went. I didn't get to talk to him much there (I was working...not attending). But he did say when I saw him briefly that it was PERFECT. He left with a BIG smile on his face.

Turns out that later on he told me that he loved it! The message was EXACTLY what he needed to hear. He felt God had led him there. He totally related to the speaker. He was broken by the message in a way he needed to be. It was a God thing. Truly a GOD THING. The words he used to describe the experience to me got me teary as well.

I love it. God crossed our paths recently. I work in that ministry. I encouraged him to come... He went. He was hit hard by a message he really needed. He loved it and he thanked God for orchestrating it all. I did too. What an amazing God we serve. I love stories like this. I pray God continues to find ways to use me in His service even when I don't realize what is happening. It gives me a rush of blessing every time He uses me to HIS glory.

Thank you God for doing what you did. Thank you my friend for sharing the details with me.

Diseased Angels?

When Francis of Assisi turned his back on wealth to seek God in simplicity, he stripped naked and walked out of the city. He soon encountered a leper.... He passed him, then stopped and went back and embraced the diseased man. Francis then continued on his journey. After a few steps he turned to look again at the leper, but no one was there. For the rest of his life, he believed the leper was Jesus Christ....

I bet that most of you have not been ignored, passed by, forgotten, left behind, despised or even broken hearted because of a disease. Maybe you have. IT DOES HAPPEN. Yet, Jesus lives in these people. And sometimes, perhaps when you've walked away, looked the other way, avoided, or simply just ignored someone because they have a disease, you may have just done that to Christ himself. Or perhaps an angel. Perhaps the reason isn't leprosy or even a diease, perhaps it is mental retardation, or HIV, or social anxiety, perhaps it is the girl who works in the "gentlemen's club" for a living desperately wanting a way out. Or what about the divorcee who has to live with herpes for the rest of her life because her cheating ex-husband brought it home to her? Or the person that always has that strange awful smell? The guy who always talks way too much and makes you uncomfortable because he invades your personal space? The strange couple that wears all black and are full of piercings? Life is full of reasons to pass people by---to not get too close. To be afraid. To ignore. To look away. To avoid. But what if that person/people were placed in your path to see just what you would do? What if it is an angel that you just avoided, walked away from, and hurt? What if your biggest blessing was wrapped in a package that you were "afraid" of? That's tough to think about. Really it is. We never know what God has planned for us. How it may come about. The people and roads to be traveled to get there. But one thing we can be sure of, we will encounter angels along the way. That is biblical. Don't expect them to take the appearance of an angel. Perhaps it was the person you just passed up?? Perhaps now, you will always think twice about it and wonder. Perhaps you should, like Francis of Assisi, go back and embrace them...there may be blessing there that you never could have imagined. You'll never know...if you never go... He is where you least expect Him to be. Look into that face again...you may be surprised who you will find there.

What If?

I went to an appreciation luncheon on Tuesday for ladies who volunteer during a monthly ladies event at my church. It was so much fun to get to hang out, chat, and share lunch with some really great Christian ladies. I met a few new people and got to know others better than I knew them before. We laughed, ate, won prizes, and had a great time.

The lady who spoke (briefly) at this luncheon also coordinated it. She had placed stars everywhere. On the tables, the little cakes were shaped like stars, our name tags were stars etc... This was because she wanted to say thanks to us for being "stars". She also spoke about the scripture in Philippians where it says, "Do everything without complaining or arguing so that no one can criticize you. Live clean innocent lives as children of God shining like stars in a world full of crooked and perverse people." (Phil 2: 14,15)

She said that in this world we really do shine like stars when we do things without arguing or complaining. We stand out. We are different when we live like this. Wow, how sad it is that so many of us are complaining and arguing, that those who do not, shine as brightly as stars. Stars are beautiful, bright, and twinkly. Definitely unique. Definitely not the norm. The norm is the dark expanse in which the stars exist.

This has really helped me this week. I've thought twice before opening my mouth to complain. What good does it do anyway but make me look bad? It doesn't help anything; it doesn't solve anything. It really has no positive impact on anything at all. Complaining only contains negative forces. As for arguing, I don't suffer AS MUCH, with this one, but each of us knows someone who does. They can and will challenge any one on any point, sometimes seemingly for no reason other than to argue. Every time you encounter them they push your buttons, refuse to ever admit they are wrong. They live to argue. When we fill the air with complaints and arguing, what a sickly black mess we add to the already VAST expanse of darkness! What if we simply change our hearts? What if we just make an effort all day every day to shut up!? What if we just don't spout off about a coworker? What if we don't complain about a vendor? What if we don't murmur behind someone else's back? What if we just "drop it" before an argument starts? What if we step forward in an effort to make peace with someone? What if we show others GRACE instead of arguing every little point with them? What if!!!!???? We could actually become like stars--shining, beautiful, clear, bright light into the vast darkness that most of the world sees and lives in. Wouldn't that be awesome?!?! They need our light, people!! They need the light of God, the source of our light! We should be shining it everywhere instead of adding to the looming darkness.

I am so thankful I went to that luncheon. I am so glad that scripture took a hold of me, convicted me, and remained with me. STOP COMPLAINING. STOP ARGUING. Live like children of GOD!!! Shine like stars in a world of crooked and perverse people. We are children of God, shouldn't we shine like royalty?! Shouldn't we share that light with the world?! We are called to share His light, right? Can't we also do that in this (seemingly) small way? No complaining! No arguing! SHINE ON, SHINE ON!

A Dead Woman Came to Life

Looks can be deceiving. Pictures can be deceiving. Smiles can be deceiving. This picture was sent to me this week from an old friend of mine. It was taken at the end of July of 2004. About 5 months before I was pregnant with my daughter, and about 1 year before I began attending the WONDERFUL church that I attend.

The thing about this picture is that it doesn't show reality. It doesn't show what's inside. In fact to me, if I didn't know better, I think I look generally pretty happy. But nothing could be further from the truth. I won't go into the gory details of what all kinds of atrocities were going on in my life at the time of this picture. Those things are forgiven and buried. But what I will tell you is that no matter what the picture shows, this woman was dead. She was depressed, broken, used, hollow, hurting, and self-destructing. She cried herself to sleep most nights. She questioned why she even continued waking up each day. She was in emotional and mental turmoil, abuse, and anguish every single day. She was always surrounded by many many "friends" but was excrutiatingly lonely. And those "friends"....weren't her friends at all. (With the exception of only ONE--the one who sent his picture.)

Looking at her makes me sad...but also makes me hopeful. You see it makes me sad that I walked SO long in those shoes. It makes me sad because I know there is a world FULL of people like her, who smile, and put on a really good act, when inside they are dying a painful slow death. But it makes me hopeful because I emerged out of it because of wonderful Chrsitian people in my life who refused to give up on me. They prayed for me. They loved me. They invited me to their church. They listened to me. They let me cry on their shoulders. They pointed me back to God. There is hope for ALL!

When you run across people in your lives, whether it is a stanger, a co-worker, a neighbor, or a long-time friend...look deep. Look deeper than the surface. If you see a smile like this one...realize that sometimes it is only a facade. It requires time and investment in people...a genuine interest and concern for God's children to really SEE. It takes effort. But I am so thankful for those in my life at that time...who went the extra mile...who didn't just see the smile and assume that all was well. If it weren't for them (my family and friends) showing me the heart of Christ every chance they got...I would not be alive today. I wouldn't. That is no exaggeration at all. There would be no Carlotta or Gracyn. But instead we are both here... THRIVING and living in God's blessing and deep love every day and doing our best to shower it on every one else...

Look at this picture and realize that it is a fake...the person looks alive but was very much a DEAD woman. Remember that when you go through your day and your life crosses with others to look DEEP. You could save a life. You could point someone's soul to Christ. You never know where someone is in their life and what they so desperately need from you...even if they smile and all looks well. Show them CHRIST. There is hope for all!!!

AMAZING GRACE

Thank You God for Your grace. You extend it to me DAILY, perhaps hourly (actually probably more often than that). I can never be good enough on my own. No works are great enough to deserve Your gifts. I fail. I fall. I sin ALL the time, sometimes unbeknownst to me. Yet, You continue to love me. I've been the prodigal, showered with grace and I've been the objecting brother who followed the rules and didn't understand. I've been in so many different places in my journey with You.

You sacrificed Your pure and blamesless Son for a mess like me--because You love me so much. Each day it boggles my mind, why...WHY do you SO love someone like me. I sin. I sin again--in ways that I don't even realize (reminded of this by other bloggers recently). Yet, it's true that Your Son's blood COVERS that. Amazingly, when You look at Carlotta You see Jesus. Not because of anything I've done, but because of what He did. Because of Your immense love and His willingness to be the bridge between us no matter the cost. Let me never be casual or jaded to any of what really happened on that cross and why. Let me never abuse such depths of love. Let me do my best to extend that love and grace to others...thus reflecting You, only You, not me. Help me to recognize my sin even in its most minute state, use the Holy Spirit to convict my heart each time I sin, big or small, please! I want to recognize it so I can turn from it and honor/glorify You. I know I will never be perfect, sin-free, or do it all "just right". If I could, I wouldn't have a such a dire need for You, Christ, His blood, His death, and resurrection. But the truth is I need all of that...more than anyone perhaps. Amazing Grace...if it were deserved or could be earned, it wouldn't be so amazing, huh?!?!?! Help me live a life that reflects my heart, gratitude, and awe of what You've done for me and the AMAZING GRACE You've extended to me.

Saddened.

I am sad. I've realized a few things today. One, is that I am inadequate in ways that I don't want to be. Two, is that I am misunderstood A LOT. Three, is that I am not remotely close to being like the one I so want to be like. For those that really know me, spend time with me, and have seen me muddle through some portion of life, you know my heart is tender. Sometimes too tender. Yet, when I interact with people who don't know me very well that does not translate a lot of times. I need to work on that...or stop interacting with people. (Not likely, as I am on this planet with a bunch of other people whom I am called to love...can't do that well, without interaction.) I am inadequate with my communication. My heart is OFTEN misunderstood. When people see/hear me, they don't often see/hear Christ, at least that's how I feel.
Those things have made my heart quite heavy. Makes me want to withdraw and hide out. I don't like feeling that way. Anyone else ever feel like this? Any suggestions on how to correct it? I want my heart to look like Christ's, I want it to come across when I communicate with people, and I want it understood. Where He was compassionate, I want to be. Where He was unyielding, I want to be. Where He inspired and lifted up and encouraged, I want to too.
I need BIG help with these. I am trying hard, but failing miserably.

Playground Bully

It's been a really interesting 24 hours. Sadly, not all good. But that's because Satan is alive and well, and unfortunately this world is his playground. And who does he want to come out and play with him? All of us. Only, he doesn't play nice. He doesn't play fair. He is rough and dangerous. He's a vicious bully. He's tried to pull several fast ones on me over the last day or so. He takes cheap shots; he jabs me when I am not looking, in places where he knows it will hurt the most.

How cruel. How mean. But that is just who he is. Sometimes I think he forgets who I belong to. He wants me to become bitter, resentful, distrusting, hardened, and calloused. He wants me to believe the worst about people and to distrust every living soul. He has tried to use those that mean the most to me, to hurt me. He wants me to give up my hopes and dreams. He wants me to believe lies that one of the cruelest people I have ever known said about me...that "no one would ever really want to be with you if they knew everything about you." He's trying to resurface old fears, mistrust, and self-loathing. And boy, he gets SO close to getting me headed in that direction. SO CLOSE. But thankfully, God sent His Holy Spirit to be with us after Jesus went back to be with Him. He did not leave us out here on the playground all alone with the bully. He gave us the Holy Spirit.

I went to bed last night struggling with MANY things. Many questions. Many emotions. Some really, really good; some really, terribly BAD! Took me A LONG TIME to fall asleep. I could have very easily decided to be angry, hurt, resentful, vengeful, and distrusting of all people going forward. But I cried out to my God for help. I don't want to believe Satan's lies. I don't want to become jaded by betrayal. I don't want to be hardened. I don't want to withdraw from others in an effort to self-protect. But that is EXACTLY what Satan wants me to do. He pulled every punch he had over the past 24 hours. He revealed his evil influence in the lives of people I care VERY DEEPLY for. He wants me to believe there is nothing stronger than him. But you know what, after that tumultuous night, I woke up renewed. I prayed for a clear mind and heart. I prayed for the dear sweet family that he is torturing right now. I prayed for a true picture of who I am in God's eyes, not who I am in the eyes of those who judge me and label me as damaged. I am beautiful and whole in every way in His eyes and that's enough for me. I woke up content. I woke up with a forgiving heart. I woke up with peace. I woke up determined that I am going to continue to be ME...open, honest, forgiving, gracious, and full of hope and with my dreams intact. HE WILL NOT ROB ME OF THOSE THINGS. (But I know he will keep trying...)

The Holy Spirit is in my corner. He helps me fight. He helps me to be strong. He helps me every step I take, every day of my life. My heart will not be hardened. I am not alone. The playground bully will not take me down!!!

Lurking About

Satan tried to ruin my weekend.

Has he ever done that to you?

See, he knows when I'm doing really well. He knows when I am looking forward to things. He knows when things seem to be going smoothly. Those are the times he pounces.

The great thing is that I am starting to recognize those "vulnerable" times and I anticipate his arrival on the scene. This time it happened Friday morning. I was in a particularly good mood. Looking forward to my day at work and the activities therein. I was looking forward to my evening plans. I was looking forward to my Saturday and Sunday off work. I was cruising a long in my joyful state...but watchful of him lurking behind the bushes or down the long corridor. It didn't take him long to find me and start chipping away at my joy. And for about an hour right after I arrived at work...I let him get to me a little bit. But then I saw it for what it was. I saw him for what he is. A liar and a deciver. Once I pulled away from the problems he was attempting to create and I saw that it was just a ploy to steal my joy; I laughed. I laughed at myself for falling for it, although briefly. I knew it was coming. It ALWAYS does. But I laughed because I also had the power to stop his plan, and I liked that. He could continue to throw things in my path, (and he did), but his junk is not what controls my joy. My joy is not found in my circumstances. Although he continues to believe it is...or at least he tries to convince me of that. But I know the TRUTH.

So once I figured that out and plowed through the obstacles he kept throwing at me...I had a great day and night. I had a joyful weekend--despite some tough news and some challenges. Life will always have challenges, sad news, this or that...it always will. But it is my choice to allow him to steal my joy or to hold tightly to it. The price for that joy was my savior's life...how dare I let that little twit steal it from me!

My week will be just as great as my weekend! I am loved and saved. What more could I want?

Respect the BED!

Isn't it interesting that Satan does everything he can possibly think of to get two people who are dating into bed together. Yet, once they are married, he does everything he can possibly think of to keep them out of the bed together!

Devious!! He knows that both scenarios are acts of mass destruction to the union of two people.

Something to ponder...

Miraculous

Isn't life interesting? Well, mine is. I can't speak for anyone else, I suppose.

One day you find yourself where you despise your boss and your job, you have friends that don't have a clue who you really are, you are dating someone who treats you like gum stuck to the bottom of his shoe, you are totally immersed in a world of sin, heartbreak, and pain. You hate everything that you've become. You barely remember who you were before. You see no hope of it ever changing. You rarely even dare to speak to God from your shame of the ongoing garbage in your life that makes you feel unworthy to even address Him. You look great on the outside. Nice place to live, nice car, cute clothes, great tan, blond hair, well-worked out body and yet...on the inside you truly just want to die. You hate those in your life who are cruel, angry, and manipulative, and yet you hate yourself more, because you allow them in your life and allow them to treat you that way. What a wretched existence.

Skip to four years later. Same person only all of it is different. You've got an amazing job that you love with an incredible boss whom you adore. You are surrounded with family and dear friends. No one manipulating you. No one demeaning you daily. No longer feeling as though the outside has to be perfection to cover and to hide the ugliness and brokenness inside. Instead the inside is glowing and it radiates through to the outside. Daily embracing God's love and grace and walking and talking with Him as a father and friend. Struggling from time to time but resting in peace and His comfort. Enjoying His blessings in the giggles and laughter of the child you thought you could never have. Living in a home where love is bursting at the seams. Having friends who not only know you well but know the Lord as well, deeply. Working in and around some of the most amazing people on the planet and in two ministries that you have a real passion for.

What a difference God can make! He can scrape us off the bottom of someone's shoe, clean us off, change us, renew us, and bless us immeasurably! But only if we LET Him. He does not force change and blessings on anyone. But for those who will follow and decide to be changeable and moldable and accept His love and His plan---life can be SO different!

Thank you God for every big and little thing You've done in my life. I am so THANKFUL and HUMBLED by Your love and grace. I don't deserve either, but I drink them in eagerly.

What's Marinading in my Mind

My pastor said something last night that has been marinading in my mind since he said it. He was discussing betrayal and using Joseph (and the coat of many colors) as the biblical reference. When looking at what all happened in Joseph's life, we tend to gloss over the time frames. The time frame that Joseph was enslaved. The time frame that Joseph was imprisoned. Etc.. They were not short time frames at all. Yet in our culture if our suffering lasts a year or even three, four, or five it becomes too much for us to take. Pa-leeeease! We don't understand why God doesn't take our suffering from us. Why God doesn't intervene... Why God doesn't do what WE want Him to do... Why doesn't He remove this desire...Why doesn't He take this burden... Why doesn't He just remove the feelings of loneliness, sadness, or whatever... Why leave me with these feelings and hurt when He CAN just make it all go away...

The concept that has been marinading since last night is the concept of ENDURANCE. People...where is our endurance?? God was working on Joesph in each of his trials. He was learning things, growing, changing, becoming what God had planned for him. And he probably didn't even realize it. But if he had just given up, turned his back on his seemingly uncooperative God, if he just bowed out of the plan, his life would not have turned out as amazingly as it did. READ the story. PAY ATTENTION. What God is doing in your life--you may not even be able to see or recognize, but I can assure you He IS doing something. He may not be doing what you THINK you want done and He may not be doing what He is doing in YOUR time frame, but have some ENDURANCE for goodness sake. Look at how He blessed Joseph. He will do the same for you, if you remain faithful even if your understanding fails you...even if it seems to have gone on LONG ENOUGH. Get over that. Look for the growth you've made. Look for the lessons you may be learning. Look for what He is up to. But come on guys, He knows you better than you do, He knows what you need, He knows if you are ready, He knows what more needs to happen before you are fully seasoned and ready for His plan. Stop thinking you know best. YOU DON'T KNOW JACK. Trust in His MAJESTIC and HOLY time frame and plan for you. ENDURE through this time in your life. It is shaping you and molding you for the INCREDIBLE plan God has for you.

When I listened to Ed last night and stepped back in my mind to reflect on my betrayals, my pits, my struggles, my time frames...I saw something. I see God teaching me things I never would have learned without those problems. I see myself becoming stronger and wiser and yet all the more caring and understanding of those who have wronged me. I am going to focus more on what am I learning and how am I growing from this season in my life instead of lamenting the sad times, the lonely times, the times I simply don't understand WHY. I am going to do this because I know He is working on me and what will happen because of that growth will be blessings beyond my wildest imagination. Just like what happened to Joseph. Not a piece of his story happened over night or in his time frame. But because it happened God's way...IT WAS BEYOND AWESOME. And it can be that way for you and for me too. We've got to trust and endure. Thank God for Joseph and his wonderful example. From the PIT to the PALACE!!! I am going to work hard to emulate that trust and endurance too.

Beauty in Betrayal?

The beautiful side of betrayal. This was discussed tonight by my pastor. There's no bigger believer in the beautiful side of betrayal than me. But it is not an automatic thing. It has to be sought. It is not a "given". Betrayal can simply end in anger, bitterness, and resentment...if the betrayed so chooses. But don't be fooled...it is a choice. We've all been betrayed in SOME way or another. Some of us MANY times. And some of us, including myself, have been the betrayer. The concept of betrayal is not lost on ANYONE. But there can be many wonderful things that God can do during and after a betrayal. Ask Joseph...you know the one with the coat of many colors? He knows. And so do I. God can make you and your life even better BECAUSE OF a betrayal. He has for me and many others. There really is a beautiful side of betrayal, thank you God for that, and thank you Ed (my pastor) for reminding me.

My Past and My Future

(Reader warning: If you don't want to read about my love life or lack thereof, please stop reading now.)

Interesting weekend. The past showed up. Not in a bad way....thank goodness!

I ran into an old family friend. I hadn't seen since him I was a little girl, until we crossed paths at our Men's Breakfast on Saturday. He wasn't anything like I remembered. Funny how time changes people. He's grown up, married, and looks the exact opposite of what he did as a little kid. He went from a 12 year old to a 36 year right in front of my face. Weird.

I also had an another old, very dear friend show up at our house completely unexpected. His mother had passed away. He was in town from out of state. I hadn't seen him in many years. This is someone I've known since elementary school. We were boyfriend/girlfriend off and on for years. Our timing always STUNK. We couldn't ever get it right at the right time. GREAT guy.

It was interesting to see him as a man. You know, with a beautiful Godly wife, three kids, and a business. It was good. He's turned into the man I always knew he would, even though he never believed me back then. I've always kind of measured guys in my life by him, or at least what I saw in him...(which he became, by the way!). (He'd probably shake his head in disappointment that I thought so highly of him that I would measure others by him, you know?...He doesn't know what a rare gem he is...people are funny that way some times.) I didn't pine over him all these years. It is that he was the only one I got really close to romantically that I knew without a doubt had a REAL relationship with God through Jesus...until much later in my life. His relationship with God made him incredibly attractive. Was he perfect...ummmm, NO WAY. Not even close. But he had desire to be. He made efforts to be. He was purposeful and intentional with that desire, even though he often fell short. Guys like him are RARE, actually. Most people go around bobbing up and down with the flow of life...completely unintentional. ACK! That's SO unattractive. Did he mess up? Yes, regularly! But he never quit, never gave up his intense desire to be holy, to be like God. He failed. A lot. But he never stopped pursuing God. And now he is daily reaping the benefits of such desire and intent.

This guy struggles still struggles with things. (Who doesn't?) I heard it in the conversation between he and my family, but he knows how much God loves him, guides him and has sheltered and protected him over the years---from a wretchedly dysfunctional family, from himself as a struggling young man, and from the world in general. He has MUCH to be thankful for. He's been walking in God's love and protection as long as I've known him. Now, he finally realizes it.

I always thought that if I ever saw him again it would make me long for what his wife has...HIM...but it didn't. It really didn't. I didn't long for HIM at all....I saw him differently because I am different. Not because he isn't a wonderful man, because he IS. Not because he isn't attractive, because he is. Not because he isn't this or that..he is. He is most everything a Christian woman would want. He is ALL of those things...but I didn't covet his wife's husband. I didn't want him back for myself. Not even for a second. I am so happy to see what God has blessed him with. No one deserves it more. You see, he is wonderful, but he isn't FOR ME. He is for Christy. He is God's plan for Christy.

I know there is a plan for me too. I know that even though I struggle with certain temptations and shortcomings that I remain desirous and intentional of being a Godly woman. I want a man that is the same way. Imperfect, struggling, tempted, yet, fighting to be holy and Godly. I want a man who takes that seriously and is intentional with those things. You see, I saw a wonderful man, the kind any woman would be thrilled and blessed to have, but I also saw a REAL person. Someone who trusts in God, who falls short, but keeps fighting for his holiness. He is blessed for it...I want a man like that. Not THAT particular man. I know my man exists. I KNOW that. I am committed to him. I am committed to not seeking a perfect man, but to waiting for that man who desires holiness with his entire being. Not one who has it...yet. He is being made perfect. BEING MADE...but not yet perfect. I don't expect perfection, just the desire for Godliness and holiness. I am committed to it. It's that or nothing. I will honor my commitment. I am committed to him. I've been committed to him. I will wait for him. God's got it covered. I trust God and will settle for nothing short of my standard. I have one. There is a standard, and my standard will not think the standard is high, that 's part of why I will love him so much, he will lament his imperfections and failures, but will still seek daily to be made perfect in Christ. That's who I am committed to. That's him. That's the one.

Running into the past made me recommit. It fueled the commitment I made to my standard. We all need standards. Don't worry if anyone else understands your "standard" or not. God doesn't always choose the ones who appear to be "just right"...ask Moses, ask David. Just have a standard of someone seeking to be holy, most certainly failing, but striving and desiring it everyday of their life. Settle for nothing less. God used my past to remind me to be faithful to my commitment. He had someone walk right into my living room after MANY years like a ghost from the past, to rekindle that which Satan is trying to blow out...my fire. My commitment is burning white hot. I'm not settling. All or nothing baby!