You Lousy Hypocrite!

"Sit back and keep your mouth shut. Bite your tongue. Wilt into the background. In fear of stepping on anyone's toes, never step up. Stay in your seat. Quieten your inner voice. Go along to get along. Restrain your heart, mind, and writings. Don't risk being disliked or disagreed with. Don't tell the truth; it may hurt someone; don't lie, just don't say anything. Who are you to speak up or out about anything? You're a sinner!! You're a struggler! Stay shackled. Don't make anyone uncomfortable. Don't get uncomfortable yourself. Feel a stirring in your heart to speak up, speak out, stand up?...Smother it! Just who in the world do you think you are anyway? I know who you are. I know what you've done. I know what you've thought. I know every time you sin. I know you sinned just moments ago. I know your life isn't in the same universe with perfection. SHUT UP! Sink down in silence. Don't say a WORD! You lousy hypocrite!"

All of that goes through my mind and heart every time I am about to write something that someone/anyone may not agree with or be comfortable with. I hate it. I know who is saying it. When I ignore it and go ahead and write what is on my heart, I hit POST and then duck for cover.

Must we be perfect to share His message? Must we be perfect to encourage others and ourselves in writing? Must we be perfect to speak up? Must we be perfect to write things of spiritual substance? NO. NO. NO. Check out my brother Paul (in the Bible). Do I ever present myself as perfection...uh heck no! Not even ONCE! Not even close! So why this inner battle EVERY SINGLE time I write? I know the score. I do not condemn a single soul...not even myself. That is not my place. We ALL fall short of the glory of God! I am a sinner. I am in dire need of my Savior- a Savior who takes great pleasure in me. But the enemy knows my weakness to keep the peace, to go along to get along. He plays upon my insecurities and failures to keep me quiet. He uses everything he can to quiet my voice. Sadly, sometimes he gets away with it.

Dear God, please help me to always stand strong when he whispers of fear, doubt, and hypocrisy. Let my imperfections be used to glorify you, don't let me use them as an excuse to wilt and wither into silence.

Path to Misery

Earlier in the week I was listening to a woman crying. She was in a relationship with a gentleman whom she loved very much. They were considering marriage. He evidently was a tough nut to crack. She couldn't get him to open up about much of anything that was deep. He was very guarded emotionally. They were both parents from previous marriages with a couple of kids each. Both were wanting to remarry. But she had a huge burden on her heart. She loved this man, but knew something was WRONG. As the counselor dug deeper, he knew that she had contacted him for confirmation of what she already knew deep down. The more he probed into the relationship, the more her real problem became clear.

As I listened, I cried too. I knew this woman's struggle well. And I knew she was on the path to long-term misery if something didn't change. Her frustration with his unwillingness to open up was really just her excuse to talk to this counselor. Her BIG issue was pulled out of her by the wise counselor. The BIG issue was that she was already weary from being the spiritual leader in the relationship and they weren't even married yet. She longed for him to take the lead. He wouldn't. Why would he? She carried that load for him. Yet, she was afraid that if she stopped, he wouldn't pick up the role. She even admitted that she felt that this problem was why his first marriage failed. He was unable, maybe even unwilling to be the leader, ESPECIALLY when it came to spiritual leadership.

The counselor told her what she already knew; this was a recipe for disaster if she went ahead and married this gentleman. She knew it and just wanted confirmation. As she listened to the reality you could hear sadness yet relief in her voice. SHE KNEW ALL ALONG. She just wanted someone else to say it too.

God designed the man/woman relationship to work in a certain way. If the woman must bear to load of leader eventually the relationship will breakdown. It is not the role God designed for the woman. I know. I know this WELL. Listening to this interaction brought back so much past pain, yet brought me hope that I will never have to walk that road again. I learned the VERY HARD WAY that I am never meant to be the spiritual leader in a relationship/marriage. I tried...for many YEARS. It was never a role I was meant to take and one I will never take on again.

I pray that this woman will do what she has to do to walk away from the relationship or at the very least postpone the marriage until she can help this man to get guidance, mentoring, intentional spiritual growth, whatever it takes for him to come to a place in his spiritual walk to be EAGER to step up and take the lead. I pray for them both. I know the destruction that will follow if they continue on "as is".

Heavenly Father, guard and protect this woman. Take her hand and lead her to the right path, decisions, and choices in this matter. I pray for this man as well. I pray that he too will seek You and Your will in his life and in this relationship. In Your Son's Precious Name...AMEN!

Coleman, You're Home

Goodbye Coleman. You touched lives of many people; people who never even knew you. You've graduated. You are HOME.

Here is the final blog post of his courageous journey.

Rooting for Coleman

As if being in a foreign country (Iraq) far away from your family, friends, and fiancé fighting a war weren't bad enough...what if you got sick and diagnosed with leukemia while out there? What if you were too sick to come home to the states for treatment? What if you were far away from home and fighting for your life? Please join me in faithful prayer for Coleman Hinkefent and his fiancé , family, and friends. They have a blog with consistent updates. PLEASE pray!

Art

All art requires courage. - Anne Tucker

Once the amateur's naive approach and humble willingness to learn fades away, the creative spirit of good art dies with it. Every professional should remain always in his heart an amateur. -Alfred Eisenstaedt

Just for Giggles

Two things that made me giggle Monday night:

1. My daughter talking about the first My Little Pony that she ever got...she says that it was the one she got when she was "young," (she received it two months ago...you know, back in the day!)
2. My daughter praying for me when I wasn't feeling too great (bad headache), she ended the prayer with, "In Jesus Name, THE END!"

Obviously they were much cuter coming out of the precious little mouth of my kiddo, but even in this medium, they are precious enough to share.

I love being a mom. :)

Carlotta, Just Let It Go.

Wow, what a strange couple of weeks. It's been a roller coaster ride to be sure.

Here is the resounding theme: Carlotta, Just Let It Go.

I am not good at just letting things go. The saying, "like water off a duck's back," has never been used in reference to me. Ha! But I'd like that to be different. It is proving to be harder than just flipping some sort of internal switch. If something "bothers" me it sticks with me for a while, sometimes a long while. I know that hanging onto things that "just aren't right," isn't good. I also recognize it as something Satan uses to steal my joy. I believe that stealing joy from people is one of his favorite pastimes. One which he uses on me regularly.

I've been allowing certain things grate away at my heart and my soul. Some of these things have been with me for a LONG time. It is time to release them. What is the point in carrying around things that are hurtful to our hearts and souls, especially when we have ZERO control over them. It is hard enough to master having control over ones own self, but believing that we have control over anything else is, well, laughable. The things I am allowing to steal my joy are most certainly things that I have ZERO control over. So it seems quite silly of me to allow them to reside within me while they tear away at my heart and my joy.

So this is me releasing them. These issues, which I have written out on a piece of paper, are being passed through the industrial shredder as soon as I end this post to symbolically illustrate their destruction. I release them of their hold on me and I am just going to Let It Go.

Homeless

A dear friend and I were talking. We both have this feeling of homelessness that ebbs and flows. Not that we don't have a home to live in...but a feeling of homelessness within our hearts. We seek to comfort that feeling at church, in small groups, with friends, with romances, etc...whatever we think will work. Sometimes, temporarily, that works. Sometimes friends, family, a romantic interest, church family, etc...will fill the void. But it never seems to last long enough to sustain an "at home" feeling in the heart/soul.

I have seen many people feel this ache and move from church to church to church thinking that the problem is the local church they are attending at the time. Others seek to rove through social circles and friends trying to fill up the hole and distract their minds from the void. And some look for it in romance...the great "love of their lives". They all eventually fall short of what is the real need.

I've tried all of those things. However, no matter where or who I've turned to, it wasn't enough. But I've realized something: it will never be enough. Even when I fill myself up with the Lord (which is where I should always go FIRST), it isn't enough. My soul feels a longing and a void that will never be eased until I make it home--to my soul's real home. I will feel homeless until I am home. Home is not here. When we begin to love this life, these relationships, and these trappings enough that we are satisfied...we will no longer desire Him and our home with Him the way we were made to.

I used to feel like something was "wrong" with me because of my homeless feeling. Now I recognize it as growing closer to my Lord and my intense desire to be with Him as my soul was designed for...for eternity. So when those aches and unfulfilled desires gnaw at my heart, I stop and smile and know that I am right where I should be. I am aching at the very core of my soul to be with my heart's desire, my Lord and my God. I will feel homeless until I am truly home... HOME with Him.

The Invitation

It doesn't interest me what you do for a living.
I want to know what you ache for and if you dare to dream of meeting your heart's longing.
It doesn't interest me how old you are.
I want to know if you will risk looking like a fool for love for your dream for the adventure of being alive.
It doesn't interest me what planets are squaring your moon...
I want to know if you have touched the centre of your own sorrow if you have been opened by life's betrayals or have become shrivelled and closed from fear of further pain.
I want to know if you can sit with pain mine or your own without moving to hide it or fade it or fix it.
I want to know if you can be with joy mine or your own if you can dance with wildness and let the ecstasy fill you to the tips of your fingers and toes without cautioning us to be careful to be realistic to remember the limitations of being human.
It doesn't interest me if the story you are telling me is true.
I want to know if you can disappoint another to be true to yourself. If you can bear the accusation of betrayal and not betray your own soul.
I want to know if you can see Beauty even when it is not pretty every day.
I want to know if you can live with failure yours and mine and still stand at the edge of the lake and shout to the silver of the full moon,"Yes."
It doesn't interest me to know where you live or how much money you have.
I want to know if you can get up after a night of grief and despair weary and bruised to the bone and do what needs to be done to feed your children.
It doesn't interest me who you know or how you came to be here.
I want to know if you will stand in the centre of the fire with me and not shrink back.
It doesn't interest me where or what or with whom you have studied. I want to know what sustains you from the inside when all else falls away. I want to know if you can be alone with yourself and if you truly like the company you keep in the empty moments.

-Oriah Mountain Dreamer

Enjoy the Silence

Silence. Not something I hear very often. Often times, I crave it. Rarely do I hear it. But when I do...it does something to me. It stirs something. It awakens something that remains dormant in the noise of this life. Silence is golden. That's not just a movie theater tag line. Sometimes only in silence can I hear the still small voice. And perhaps that is why I so crave it. Yet, it is SO hard to come by. I live in a constant state of noise. A three year old. Television. Radio. Coworkers. Family. Friends. More television. More three year old. People yammering on and on about nothing of any real consequence. It goes on nearly 24/7.

I am making it a quest: Find a pocket of silence every single day. Just for Him to speak to me in moments where I can actually hear Him. Time where even my own inner noise is turned off and all I focus on is His voice. He wants to speak to me. He wants to be heard. He longs to commune with me. But I alone have the power to turn off the noise.

Please be prayerful for me to make this a priority. I need this very much. There is entirely too much noise in my life. Especially inner noise. I need the silence. I crave it. I must seek it out every day. If I don't...the constant static and noise will drown Him out when I need Him the most.

Quotable

Just some of my favorite quotes:

"I no doubt deserve my enemies, but I don't believe that I deserve any of my friends." Walt Whitman

"Wisdom is not wisdom when it is derived from books alone." Horace

"Rarely do great beauty and virtue dwell together. To find both intertwined is but the rarest of jewels." Francesco Petrach

"Almost all our faults are more easily pardoned than the methods we use to hide them." Francois De La Rochefoucauld

"It is strange that words are so inadequate. Yet, like the asthmatic struggles for breath, so the lover struggles for words." T.S. Eliot

"In her first passion, woman loves her lover, in all others following all she loves is love." Lord Byron

"Learn to self conquest. Persevere for a time and you will perceive very clearly the advantage which you gain from it." Mother Theresa

"Let no one ever come to you without leaving better and happier. Be the living expression of God's kindness; Kindness in your face; Kindness in your eyes; Kindness in your smile." Mother Theresa

"If we could read the secret history of our enemies, we would find in each man's life enough sorrow and suffering to disarm our hostility." Longfellow

Revealing

I have been feeling disconnected. I'm not sure where that feeling is coming from. I have a lot of friends. However, I have very few CLOSE friends. I am quite guarded. One of the people I most respect at work is very guarded too. I have wondered if she is that way outside of work. Turns out, she is. She boldly shared her concern and her reasons. Like my reasons, she fears being misunderstood and so doesn't reveal much either. It has been weighing on her. Here's what helped both of us:

Did Jesus have lots of "friends"? Well, a few actually. Did He have lots of close friends? No, really only three. What happened when He truly revealed himself to them? Check out Matt. 17:1-14. That must have been simply amazing (even frightening), to see Jesus in His true form. Transformed from his earthly appearance to His true splendor right in front of their faces. He revealed Himself to His closest friends. They even heard the voice of God in heaven. They saw the REAL DEAL. It seemed that they "got it", it seemed they were OK, certainly amazed, but OK. Yet, later on they were the three in the garden with Him, and we know how things went from there. They didn't get it. Not really. If anyone on the planet could have "gotten it" it would have been them. THEY SAW HIM REVEAL HIMSELF, TRANSFIGURE HIMSELF. Yet, in the end, they really didn't get Him.

Jesus knows how you feel, He knows all that we struggle with. HE KNOWS. I realize that even Christ, when He finally revealed who He really was to His closest friends ...they still didn't really understand. He GETS how that feels. He experienced it too. So, when I am unable to find someone to understand me and "get me", I should turn to Him, because He's been there. He gets it and gets me. I shouldn't always seek for that one person who will "get me". He is sufficient.

This friend at work, that I so admire, also revealed that even her closest earthly relationship (her husband) doesn't always "get her". As she puts it, they are wired very differently, and often times the deepest issues of her inner spirit are not understood by him. He cares, but cannot fully understand. She seeks great comfort in knowing that Christ does understand. So when those in my life, even those closest to me, just don't seem to get me when I reveal myself to them, I know that I need not despair. I know they love me. I know they care. I know that desire to understand. And that will be enough. But I also know where to go from there...I go to Him. HE UNDERSTANDS ME, even when no one else can.

I find great comfort in that.

Does Anyone Understand Me?

Not being understood really stinks. One of the biggest issues I carry with me is fear of not being truly understood. Most of the time, I do not feel understood. Not a good feeling. Most of us long to have someone that really understands and"gets" us. Often times I don't feel like I do. Part of that is directly connected to the fact that I reveal very little about the deeper parts of myself because of being misunderstood in the past. So for the most part now...I just don't do it. Sad actually. But being understood is important. It is important for all of us. Even me.

God is working on this with me and has shared some interesting things with me about this over the last 24hours. I will try my best to pull it all together and write about it when I have the opportunity to organize my thoughts.

Stay tuned.

PLEASE....

If you haven't done so already, please get out and vote. Today is your LAST chance. Lives are literally at stake.

Ascension

Christ's Ascension.

Beautiful.

Preachy?

What is the deal with people refusing to forgive? I just don't get it. Some people will tell you that they just can't forgive someone for this or that. Others will say they have forgiven someone, but you can tell for certain that they haven't by their words and actions. Why do we withhold forgiveness?

I had someone tell me yesterday that she and her husband will not ever forgive someone (that I know), because he did some very hurtful things that they believe as Christians were very wrong. Does anyone other than me see some very conflicting words in that statement? "...as Christians," "will not ever forgive," WHAT? And what is worse is that the very thing that she will not forgive is something she herself has done. I am having trouble with this.

I feel I should help her see the conflicts in her statement/actions, but in a loving way. I don't want to be preachy or alienate the possibility to show her that Christianity in fact is built on forgiveness. I am not sure exactly how to go about helping without coming across the wrong way. One wrong word could lose me the opportunity to assist here. So, as always I am praying about it.

Forgiveness is a cornerstone of who Christ is and who we should strive to emulate. He's forgiven me SO much, who am I to ever withhold it from someone else? That doesn't mean I have to say that something someone did wrong, was OK. Doesn't mean we have to be close friends. Doesn't mean many things. BUT forgivenes does need to happen, especially if I am going to pin the name Christian to myself. Right? Someone please tell me if I am off base. I care about all of these people and I don't want to see them forever bogged down in unforgiveness, but I also don't want to Bible thump or be preachy, etc...

I'll be praying. I know if God wants to use me here He will. And if He does, He will give me the words or lay out the opportunity.

God, I am listening...

Flashes

Eyes. Rain puddles. Downtown architecture. Writings in the sand. Roses. Prayer garden. Sushi. Driving range. Fireworks. Starbucks. Sleepless naps. Crossword puzzle. Stuffed frog. Camping. Dinosaur. Kisses. Prayer box. Mayfest. Trust. Journal. Fasting. Smoothies. Church. Date Night. Escape. Laughter. Love. Chicken Noodle Soup. Water Gardens. Kincaid's. Bowling. Museum. Bucking Bronco. Hospital. Job interview. Hugs. Faith. Greeting cards. Snow cones. Joy. Photo booth. Truth. Vulnerable. Friend. House sitting. Hobby Lobby. Christmas service. Teeth. Hats. Feet. Welcome Home. Forgiveness. Acceptance. Flippers. 3:16. QuickTrip. Prayers. Confessions. Camp. Letters. Coconut Grove. Airport. Flowers. Belief. Pirate wear. Wagon ride. Manicures. Hand prints. Meetings. Encouragement. Autograph. Sassy. Hope. Healing. Library. Surprises. Real. Family. Eyes.

I love the eyes.

Perspective

"I expect and hope that I will not fail Christ in anything but that I will have the courage now, as always, to show the greatness of Christ in my life here on earth, whether I live or die. To me the only important thing about living is Christ and dying would be profit for me." Philippians 1:20

I Believe

Angels are among us. They are. I've written many times that I know I have encountered a few. I won't know until I get to heaven and ask God if I was right about the ones that I thought were angels. But I think that I am. I've always relished the idea of angels being in our midst. It is a comforting thought. I think that is partly why I love this sculpture. I think she is breathtaking. Don't you? She resides in one of my favorite places. If she is as beautiful as I think she is, I can't wait to see what His angels really look like. I know they must be exquisite. Anyway, I thank God for His angels and for their presence here on this earth. And in that spirit, I thought I'd share one of my favorite pieces of art with you guys.

He Didn't Have To....

Are you like me? Does the beauty of what God put here on this earth amaze you? It never ceases to capture my awe and wonder. One, because of its sheer beauty. But two, because He didn't have to make any of it beautiful. He didn't have to create such strikingly beautiful flowers. He didn't have to create little spotted insects that love those flowers. He could have created a simply functional world with no aesthetic wonder. He could have, but He didn't. Why? God loves us. He wants to display that in every way imaginable. We wants to delight us with His creation. If it weren't true, He'd have created the world to be purely functional. Sadly though, there are many of us who never see it. Not really. So many of us get so wrapped up in our day-to-day suburban lives that we miss out on the Master Artist practically screaming out through nature how much He adores us and adorns the world around us for our delight. Yet, we stick to the concrete, the highways, shopping centers, office and the houses we live in. We fail to truly see the beauty He put there to delight us. It is sad really. I know. I missed out on it too for a long time. I really saw His artistry when I was on vacation, out of town, or out of the country. How silly that I couldn't see what was right in my own backyard? But it wasn't because it wasn't there, it was because I didn't look.

This year I made it a point to let Him capture my heart even more deeply by being purposeful about opening my eyes to His breathtaking creation. That one change in my life has made a difference in my spirit. I cannot put it into words. But it is a difference that has brought richness to my life and into my relationship with Him - the One who loves me so deeply that He painted the world beautifully just to delight me with it. I encourage you to get out and really look around you. Stop and listen. His creation will capture your heart and all of your senses if you let it. And trust me you will not regret a single moment. It just might change your whole perception. It did mine.

Incomprehensible Details

Do you ever wonder about the details? I know in many things the details are critical. Other things, the details seem so minuscule. But often times, when it comes to God, the details infiltrate my thoughts.

Sometimes I wonder about the details of the cross. So much of it is incomprehensible to my feeble human mind. GOD hanging by nails on a cross? Nails with no supernatural power whatsoever, made by mere mortals, held the God of the universe to a piece of wood. How can that possibly be? Those same man-made nails held my sins (many years before I even committed them) to the same piece of wood. I wonder about the man who made the nails. Could he ever conceive that the nails he crafted would hold GOD to a wooden cross? When it was "finished," did the people placed there to "clean up" think about the blood left on the nails or the scarlet tips of the thorn braided crown? That was not the blood of a mere man. That blood was the blood of GOD himself. My mind cannot grasp such things.

The details of the cross really aren't the point of it all, but I do ponder them. I wonder about what went through the minds of each person that walked away from that gruesome scene, KNOWING that they had murdered the Son of GOD, and possibly even cheered as it when on. When the temple curtain tore from top to bottom, when the sky went black...they KNEW. What goes through one's mind walking away from all of that? Fear? Shame? Guilt? Anguish? I cannot imagine. Was anyone talking, or were they emotionally unable to speak? What did they think about as they lay awake that night, unable to sleep, with flashes of the scene plaguing their minds, tossing and turning trying to process the events of that day, trying to make it go away? I simply cannot imagine.

It was gruesome indeed. It was cruel and evil. The whole thing is inconceivable to me. The supernatural colliding with the basest of humanity. But for each and every detail, I am thankful, eternally grateful. It HAD to happen that way. The whole idea breaks my heart. It sends ripples of anguish through my heart to know that even I played a part in it. My sins were nailed to Him. They added to the load and the burden. They ripped His wounds and weighed Him down even more against the nails holding Him to the wood.

But, I praise Him for loving me enough to endure it all. I lift His name for being obedient to the master plan. I worship Him for His ultimate sacrifice. I live for Him for being victorious over the sting of death. He rose up. Even death could not hold Him. He loved me too much. He loved you too much to let it end in the tomb. PRAISE GOD for His incomprehensible love for the most undeserving people. Me and you.

She Said/She Said

If there is one thing I hate it is drama. I don't mean drama like on some of the television shows I enjoy; that kind of drama is a great escape. I mean the kind of drama that pops up seemingly from out of nowhere between people in real life.

What's almost worse than being involved in drama (which I try to avoid at all cost) is being in the same room with drama when you are not involved in it. Can you say UNCOMFORTABLE? It ties me up in knots. There's nothing like having to be in the same vicinity of obnoxious drama and behave as if you are not experiencing it. Ackkk! I absolutely hate that.

This happened to me today. What's worse is when it is between people you care about and both are behaving badly. Grrr. Even though it is momentarily over (one party fled in tears,) I know it is not resolved and it will resume tomorrow. (sigh)

Just wanted to get that out. I wasn't able to release my frustration at the time and it was festering inside of me, so I had to release it. I cannot/will not take on their stress and their drama. I do not want it. So here...I have released it.
BE GONE!

The Path

Is this my path? Do I determine where it leads? Or am I just stepping along the stones already laid out for me? When I took this picture it made me wonder. It caused me to reflect a bit and even laugh at myself.

One of my problems (and I do have a few...) is that I find myself mentally several steps ahead of where my feet actually are. Often times this trips me up because I may not be watching where I am stepping because I am looking too far ahead. I want to take one step at a time and walk upon the stones that God has laid out. Instead I get caught up in something off the path or something I think the path may (or may not) be leading to.

Then when I get all discombobulated because of my own plans or desires, sometimes the Holy Spirit smacks me upside the head (not literally.) I almost pee my pants laughing at how silly my plans must seem to Him. I get so caught up in life and work and parenting and relationships and plans and.....ugggh. I am reminded that this life, OUR LIVES are but a vapor. We are here but just a VERY short while. Why must I work so hard to make this life fit "my plans?" It is but a tiny little blip on the radar screen of reality and eternity. Granted this tiny blip is important, but are the things I am focused on all that critical? Romance? Money? Possessions? Career paths? Mildly important, but not really why I am here. Is it? I am here to love my God. I am here to trust His plan. I am here to share Him with others. I am here to praise Him. I am here to help others. I am here to serve. I am here to do it His way. I am here for Him and Him alone. My focus cannot be bouncing around back and forth from career back to Him, to romances then back to Him, to finances then back to Him. HE IS THE REASON I LIVE AND BREATHE.

Holy Spirit, please smack me around when I get off the path or when I get ahead of where I am supposed to be. Place me on YOUR path in just the spot You want me to be. I will do my best to keep my eyes on You and the TRUE reason I am here. For You and Your desires. Not mine. Thank You for making me laugh at my silly little plans. They probably are quite amusing to You.

My life is AMAZING. You have blessed me so abundantly. I trust you to continue to guide my path and lead me to do what You created me to do: point others to you and praise you in all my ways. When I stray from that...do what you must to recenter my focus.

Thank You for this little path that stopped me in my tracks and brought me closer to You. Continue to use the ordinary to reach me. I am looking for You everywhere I turn...and I find you each time I look! ;)

Interesting Bit of Reading

I have to first note that I did not write the following, nor do I know the person who did or even what his name is. And while there are some parts of it that may "bother" the "easily bothered", I wanted to share it, because I find that many of the things this man said are important. I am sure you can weed out the stuff that isn't worth your while. It amazes me that while this man does not proclaim to be a religious man or one that believes in a personal God, that there are so many men who do and say they are followers of Christ and yet cannot conceive of the concepts this man does that so closely emulate Christ...namely sacrifice.

Anyhow, I enjoyed reading this and I hope you will too:

Men have souls. They experience complex emotions which need acknowledgement. They possess a spirituality in need of cultivation. They are only fully human when they learn to have relationships based on trust, honesty, intimacy, sacrifice, and personal integrity.

Regarding married life, it’s just like life in general. Life is suffering, and anyone who thinks otherwise is delusional. Marriage is an ordeal. If the partnership lasts, one of you will watch the other die. If you have children, you will be required to give up some of the things you want in order to provide your children with the things they need.

Your life is not a movie, a sporting event, a letter to Penthouse. Your life is one long (or short in some cases) act of dying. To the degree that your presence on earth brings joy and inspiration and tenderness and compassion into the lives of others, your death will have meaning. To the degree that you put yourself above others and indulge in personal pleasure, your life will be wasted.

No one owes you an orgasm, a smile, a meal, or a cent. You earn such rewards by being forthright, honorable, kind, and generous.

Perfection is not possible or required in marriage. Sacrifice, commitment, communication and love are required. Sexual love depends on all these things. Your personal neuroses and autoerotic fantasies can’t be denied, but keeping them the focus of your existence will leave you an immature and tedious person, in and out of bed, single or attached. More and more, I've come to think that sacrifice is the key. The fact that we live in such a decadent and ignorant era makes personal sacrifice--and the strength and humility and love that animate it--all the more essential to your life and our momentary responsibilities toward one another.

Youth is fleeting, and orgasms come and go, but you will experience pain every single day if you are at all conscious of what it is to be human. How you deal with the pain of life, in yourself and in partnership with others, will determine the sort of man you are.

For the record, I’m 50, have been with my wife 25 years and love her more than ever. Our sexual relationship has been through a lot in that time, and the sex we have today is absolutely mind-blowing. That fact alone keeps me focused on preserving the integrity of our relationship. I’m a very handsome and charismatic guy with plenty of opportunities to cheat over the years, but I’d be cheating myself of the most extraordinary sex I dare imagine if I insulted the honor and devotion of my wife.

My wife is dying of a horrible disease. She suffers every day. Watching her suffer is not easy. Yet, I still desire her, and I make sure we keep romance in our life together. I am completely satisfied in our relationship, despite our imperfections and my personal inadequacies. I will not forsake her in her hour of need, nor would she forsake me.

I’m not religious, nor do I believe in a personal God. I do believe life is sacred and that everyday should be lived as a prayer for our humanity. My life is filled with love, most of it completely undeserved. I’m grateful to have lived long enough to realize these truths.

True Intimacy

We are currently planning the next event that I am working on at work. In the brainstorming sessions we've discussed love and what that really looks like and what the actual outpouring of it looks like and feels like. One couple we talked with recently went on a mission trip together sponsored by our church. They are one of the closest couples I know. I admire them and adore them, and their relationship inspires me. With tears in their eyes they talked about the level of intimacy they've experienced in their marriage because of the opportunity they had to really serve others together. They had no idea that serving on the mission field would change their marriage and draw them even closer to a level they never dreamed of....and had no idea even existed. It touched me deeply to hear about it. True closeness and depth in any relationship is reached when we get beyond ourselves and even to the point of getting the focus off of "us" and focusing outwardly. The impact of doing this with your loved ones is monumental! This was made crystal clear to me by this couple's amazing experience. It was beautiful.

Looking to be closer to those you love? Looking for stronger bonds? Deeper depths of intimacy? SERVE others together. Not only will you help others, you will strengthen your relationship and will be following in Christ's footsteps as well. Truly a beautiful concept.

So true...

Nothing ever changes, if nothing ever changes.

Writing

I completed my last writing assignment on time. It was a daunting task. One because I was so busy with so many other things. And two, because of the topics covered. But, as He always does, God was gracious to me and helped me through.

I am finding that it is quite a different thing...this writing "as assigned". I haven't had to do that since I finished my degree years ago. All of the writing I have done since then have been topics of my own choosing. Typically I write about things going on in my life, what I am learning or have learned, or what God places on my heart. It is a different thing all together to write about something someone else dictates. I had forgotten the element of challenge that introduces. Nevertheless, I enjoy it. Writing is a challenge to me, a good one. It gets me excited to have a concept or idea and to pull it out of the mind and assign words to it in order to have someone else understand it in the way it is meant. I like trying to create a picture or an idea or a concept in others minds through words. It is challenging. It is truly a craft and one that I love working at. But God is having to help me a lot with "assigned writing". I think I learn more through assigned writing and the research and study that goes into it, than what others may actually get out of reading it. Not that I will ever know that for sure, but I do know I have learned a lot from the projects I have been assigned so far.

Thank you God for the blessing of writing. It is therapeutic and yet challenging for me; a true joy. I may never do it "professionally", but in whatever form it takes in my life...I thank you for it. And I thank you for writing to me as well. Your Word is one of my greatest inspirations. So much love, wisdom, hope, and fire reside within Your words. I love to read them.

Thank you for the blessing of the written word.

Strings Attached

I've got no strings to hold me down, to make me laugh or make me frown....I had strings but now you see, there are no strings on me!

Pinocchio sang that cute little song when we was freed of his strings by the blue fairy.

Today however, I cannot sing that song. Wednesday night I had a bit of an accident and managed to cut my elbow open down to the bone. Woo hoo, I got to go and get stitched up etc... NOT FUN. After a good 24 hours of being bandaged up, I let the wound get some air. However my daughter got to noticing that the bandages were off and quite to her horror she seemed desperate to inform me that I had strings (stitches)!! With a rather disgusted face she said, "Mommy you got strings! You got strings! I no like it!" Yeah, well me either!! But it did make me laugh a bit and reminded me of Pinocchio's little song that I will be be unable to sing for the next couple of weeks.

So, today take a moment to thank God for your elbows. I cannot bend mine, so that I don't rip the stitches. I had NO idea just how limited that can make a person (washing hair, makeup, getting dressed, etc... GRRR. "I no like it!")

My insight for the day: Life requires elbows.

Have a great weekend.

Extension

I got a mini-extension on my writing project. (HUGE sigh of relief!!) Thank you God for creating some wiggle-room for me and for allowing me to work with such amazing and gracious people. WHEW!

I've got until Friday to submit this project. Good news is, I actually do have a little bit written at this point. 40% complete to be exact. I have today and tomorrow to finish, considering I will be spending all of Thursday at the state fair. (Woo hoo!)

Again thank you God. You are SO good to me.

Anxiousness

I am unable to find the words needed to write. I am at a loss for something to write here and it is even worse for my latest writing project. It is due on Wednesday and I don't have a single word written. My life and my brain have been filled with other responsibilities and happenings, both wonderful and not-so-wonderful.

My head feels clogged. My brain feels encumbered with so many other things than this project. I pray God helps me pull it all together. It is a challenging project coupled with an already over-full schedule and a mind that is overloaded right now. I trust Him and know that He's always helped me before when I find myself in a crunch. I pray He is right there with me over the next few days and that the words will flood my mind and fill the pages with what He wants to say...

But for now there are no words and I am feeling anxious about it. Pray that I release my anxious heart to Him, KNOWING He will provide.

(Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. - Philippians 4:6)

Clothes that Heal? Or...

Mark 5:28 "If I may but touch the hem of His garment, I shall be made whole."

This woman understood. This woman believed. She knew that if only she could get low enough, reach in far enough, and merely even brush against the hem of His garment with her hand that she would be healed. PROFOUND illustration! Crowds were pressing in on Jesus. Some called it a mob of people. Yet this woman touched the very hem of His clothes and was immediately healed and He immediately KNEW He had been touched. Imagine being in a crowded place, people pressing in on you from all sides, bumping into you, knocking you off center. For you to notice at all that someone in particular touched your clothing is amusing. They are all touching you, they are all bumping into you and into each other. It is a crowd, a mob of people. But Jesus knew immediately that this woman had reached out in faith and received healing. He FELT it.

It is a pattern with Jesus--telling people that it is their FAITH that has healed them. He didn't go to her. He didn't take the initiative to place His hands on her in a purposeful act to heal her. She came to Him. She believed. She was CERTAIN. If only she could touch just the HEM of just what He was wearing, she just KNEW she could be healed (or made whole). THAT is faith, illustrated in crystal clarity. It was what SHE did, what SHE believed, the effort SHE made to get to Him that PROVED her faith in who and what He was and the POWER He had even in the mere hem of His garment to change her life FOREVER. She had been battling with an ailment for 12 long years! She was desperate. She knew NOTHING else had worked and she sought Him out. She wasn't proud. She didn't care what on earth she had to do. She just knew she had to touch Him or even just something He was wearing to receive FULL healing and to be made WHOLE. With a mob of people around Him, what she needed to do was not an easy task. In fact, to get to the hem where did she have to be? LOW. On the ground. On her knees in the dirt, a dangerous place to be in a mob. She was probably getting stepped on and certainly bumped around. Her arms had to be searching, stretching, straining, reaching hard in toward Him. This was someone who didn't care how lowly, how "in the way", or dirty and dusty she had to become to get to Him. She knew she needed Him and nothing else mattered. That is FAITH. It couldn't be more clear. It couldn't be illustrated any better.

What are you battling with? How long have you been battling with it? What all else have you tried? Your own strength, your own will-power? Prayer, even? Reading scripture? More prayer? Books? Counseling? Sermons? Tried "everything"? How about getting low? How about about reaching out your arms so hard and so far that it hurts? How about knowing in your heart that nothing you can do on your own will work? How about getting your knees filthy? How about subjecting yourself to the lowest place, just to barely skim the hem of His garment with your hands? How about knowing that He is the only one who can heal what is hurting you? How about believing that He will? How about real FAITH? What if you took it all to Him? What if you surrendered all control? If you have EVER reached out to Him in true faith, faith like the woman in this story, and if you've ever touched even just His hem, you will NEVER be the same. There is earth shaking, unfathomable power in just His hem! But belief and faith is required, otherwise it is just fabric (or just empty words in a prayer). He knows when He has encountered great faith. It changes everything. If your heart, if your struggles, if your battles haven't changed GREATLY--look to this woman for your lead. She is the illustration of what FAITH really looks like. It is not just her outward actions, it is what she knew in her heart about His power.

Today, we cannot physically touch His garment. But when He ascended back into heaven, leaving this earth, He did not leave us alone. We have the Holy Spirit. Equal. One third of the trinity. Not the red-headed step child of the trinity. An equal. Equal in all ways with God and Christ. Yet, we don't truly call upon the Spirit and utilize that power through our faith and belief as we could...and SHOULD. The Spirit's whole purpose here is to help us, guide us, guard us, etc.... It is just as powerful as having Christ Himself here with His garment within our reach. But our trust, belief and FAITH have to be real. Like the woman above. We have the same LIFE CHANGING, ETERNITY-SHAKING POWER available to us, as she did.

What are you doing to touch it?

WHOA!

Woo hoo! I got another writing assignment. Whew! I was so hoping to get to do this again. It was AWESOME the first time. I absolutely loved it.

This one should prove to be even more challenging than the first. A section of material I have been assigned hits very close to home for me (divorce). That is part of the reason that it is being assigned to me, or so I am told. It is road that I traveled (painfully and unwisely) and yet learned SO much from and grew closer to God because of. Sometimes things that are that personal and that close to home are even more challenging to relate to an unknown audience. I can see that not only will I be sharing with others, but I know I will gain a lot too from the preparation, as always. God deals with me in such ways. ;)

There are other difficult topics to deal with in this assignment beyond just divorce. Anger, lust, etc... Eeeek. MAN! Who doled out this project and assigned who got what section to write? Sigh, I bet God had a big hand in that, and I am desperately going to need Him to help me deal with these subjects biblically and insightfully based on the scriptures covered therein. I am excited but truly nervous to tackle some of these topics. Am I the right person for this??

Take a deep breath Carlotta, let God lead you where He wants you to go with this. He has a plan here.

(Please pray for me.)

Jealous?

MY God jealous? Uh, yeah, He is. Seemingly with good cause. "I thought jealousy was a sin." God cannot sin. Being jealous of what others have/coveting others things is a sin. God is not jealous of anything we have. He does not want our things. Pretty obvious, huh? But what He is jealous of are the things (or people) in our lives that mean more to us than He does. Don't think we fool Him by our pledges of love and devotion to Him. The things (or people) we are enamored with above Him are displayed to Him by our actions, not our words. They are evidenced by our thought-life. He created us for a relationship with Him first and foremost. Do you have things in your life that He might be jealous of? A hobby, a job, a romance, a spouse, a child? Pursuit of marriage? A better body? Intense pursuit of anything we want more than Him is glaringly obvious to Him (and to others), sometimes when we don't even see it ourselves. We can say He is MOST important in our lives, but many times our thoughts and actions PROVE otherwise. What or who are you pursuing more than Him? Where is your mind most often directed? Many times we don't see it if we don't take time to be honest and evaluate. Surely I am not the only one who can clearly see the things He'd be jealous of in my life.

Have you ever been in a relationship with someone who had that one thing (or more than one thing) that you felt received more of that person than you did? More of their time, more of their thoughts, more of their attention??? At some point or another, we've all felt that way. I know how deeply it hurts and I do not want God to feel that way. I have a laundry list of what I have pursued more passionately than Him. I am ashamed to admit that, but honest enough to state it as fact. Those pursuits have failed. On occasion He allowed me to have the things that I recklessly pursued, but they eventually consumed me. They did not fill me up the way I envisioned, many times they hurt me deeply because they consumed me then left me empty. Other times, the pursued things or people were simply removed from my life one way or another so that I was no longer ABLE to place that thing above Him. That's been heartbreaking too, and yet, it brings me back to Him, my true focus.

Until we place God in the proper place--above ALL else, our other pursuits will never yield the harvests we chase so feverishly. They will be hollow or leave us hollow over time, or they will be removed from our lives altogether. He will not accept second place. And He shouldn't. I am learning everyday to chase after Him first and foremost. All of the other things I desire will be added to me if He chooses, not if I pursue them at His expense. He alone blesses me with things that I desire, once we truly understand that, how can we keep from pursuing Him with more passion and desire than all other things? He is the creator and generator of all those other things. He will bless us as we need and as He sees is best for us. I am learning to trust in Him and to pursue Him above all else. I am finding that there is great peace in that. I love others deeply, some so deeply I can barely contain it or understand it. However, those people and things: whether they are a professional pursuit, my kiddo, or the "love of my life", whatever/whoever it is--takes second place to God.

Life is always a series of new pursuits, challenges, experiences, and people, but GOD is the one thing that never changes. He is the foundation on which all others are balanced. Without Him first, providing the essential foundation, the rest is a crazy, shaky balancing act that eventually will crash to the ground in a million pieces. Yet many of us have been there: completely shattered by life. But by placing God as the primary passion and primary pursuit in our lives, we can then begin to experience the rock-solid foundation we all desire and the ability to balance all of our secondary passions and pursuits because of His proper placement in our lives. It really is a pretty cool thing.

Thank you God for always finding a way to pull me back to You. Thank you for the people in my life that I love so deeply that I can barely contain it, and yet have on occasion given You reason to be jealous of them. May I never place them above You again. In submission I place them under Your care and control in my life and I am thankful for them as they are treasured blessings in my life. Thank you for the passions in my life professionally and personally. May I never place one of them above You either. They are blessings, but they have their place too. May I never treat You as a backup to any other passion or pursuit, may You always be my most sought after treasure! It is so easy in this life to get caught up in things other than You, even in things related to You: ministry etc. Guard my heart and my mind and help me to keep focused on You while still being a part of this temporary life and the people in it with me. It is a delicate balance that I cannot keep without You. Hold me steady as I do my best to balance it all well. I hope to honor You with all that I do.

The Power of Prayer

Pain --> Change

We change when the pain of not changing is greater than the fear of actually changing.

Have you ever been an enabler? I bet you have. I certainly have. Sometimes we don't recognize that we are enabling others. Sometimes we don't recognize that others are enabling us. But it happens all the time to all kinds of people. When we see a need for change within ourselves or others, usually that change will not take place until it becomes too painful for us or for them to live unchanged. Yet, sometimes we insulate others (or others insulate us) so much so, that change doesn't occur because the pain is being suppressed and is not experienced in full. This is what enabling means. And it is WRONG. But boy how we justify it. We don't want the other person to feel pain. We want to protect the other person from discomfort. We go overboard by sugar-coating everything. There are so many "good" reasons we have for enabling others. But if we truly care about someone, we have to let them experience the pain and/or discomfort that is needed to create the much needed change. If that which remains unchanged is damaging to that person or to others, change is needed.

I have used this line and have heard it used many times by others, "This is just the way I am." I have even had people blame the way they are on God saying, "God made me the way I am," I suppose that implies no need for change. I don't buy that anymore than the lines I have used. I will reiterate my thought, if something about us causes damage to ourselves or others, change is needed. Excuses are abundant when we need them. But change is healthy and it is necessary for all of us.

I am reading a couple of books focusing on similar topics of truth, change, boundaries, healthy confrontation, and the like... And in one of them I saw that quote above and it made me laugh because of how many times I've used it on others, yet in the same breath, I was enabling them to NOT change. Dealing with others in truth with love, often times means withdrawing the insulation of enabling them. Initially, this can mean some pain and discomfort for all involved, but that is the pain that promotes growth and change. The times I have grown significantly typically followed at period of discomfort and pain. Many times these things occurred when others stopped enabling me and my actions/behaviors.

Communicating with grace and love is key. One without the other can be problematic. Communicating with all grace and no truth, enables. Communicating with all truth and no grace is very damaging. I am reading about learning very key concepts on how to do both. I tend to lean more to one of these concepts than the other and need to find the balance. I am working through that. My goal is to be able to have deep, honest, healthy relationships in all aspects of my life: as a parent, a friend, a daughter, a sister, a coworker etc... I am learning to implement wise boundaries that are biblically based. All of these themes co-mingle and in studying them I am learning so much. I can't wait to see how these principles improve my parenting, friendships, work life, and more!

I love learning. I am ready for some change!

I'm Back.

We are back up and running normally here at My Place!

Thanks BLOGGER folks.

Ahhhh technology....

This blog page is experiencing technical difficulties. Until further notice you can find me HERE. Thanks for your understanding.

Part II of Cross-Dressed Sin

Part II of my previous post.

It never ceases to amaze me how quickly God works to open my eyes even wider when He puts something on my heart. I was reminded by Him yesterday during a devotional that the REAL issue when it comes to sin, is a condition of the heart (not that I didn't already know that...)It doesn't matter how many boundaries we put into place if we keep crossing them. I have boundaries that I just continue to cross in certain areas of my life. Some of my sins are not from lack of boundaries. The boundaries are there. I just simply cross them. (Am I the only one?) This is an issue of the heart. Being prepared, watchful, with boundaries in place will not keep us from sin, if the issue lies within the heart.

We cannot simply blame Satan for everything either. None of us can. While he is all about our destruction, we alone are responsible for ourselves. When we sin, sadly it is because it is in our human nature to do so. In certain areas of my life, I need to fervently call on God for a change in my own heart. It is a heart problem. One more boundary won't solve the real problem. Granted, boundaries have their place, they help us while God is working in our hearts. But placing more boundaries up without calling on the Lord to change our hearts is futile/foolish. I KNOW this full well.

So yes, we need be ever watchful of sins disguised by Satan. We need to place boundaries where they are needed and be mentally prepared for the battle. But MOSTLY we need to repent and call upon God to work on our hearts. This is where the deepest issues reside.

Cross-Dressed Sin

We all have fallen into Satan's snares. His pleasure comes from our pain. But all of God's instructions in the Bible are protective. For example, God hates divorce. Satan loves it. What is the common denominator? Pain. Satan wants us pain-filled. God wants to protect us. God doesn't want us sleeping-around. Why? Here comes the pain concept again: Disease. Unplanned pregnancies. Broken hearts. Degradation. And more... God doesn't want us to lie. Why? It brings about pain in a myriad of ways...sooner or later. Worry (yes it is a sin) brings pain and discomfort in ways you may not even be able to recognize in your own life. Worry is a rampant sin, bringing undue pain to millions daily. I could write volumes about the things God tells us to avoid, why they bring us pain, and I could illustrate that pain is a KEY factor in why God tells us to not do these things.

A friend of mine and I were talking about this concept yesterday. It seems simple. By not being obedient to God, we invite pain into our lives with wide open arms. In contrast, when we are obedient to God, the pain levels drastically decrease and the joy levels skyrocket. This is not quantum physics. It is simple. Yet, we all struggle with sin. Even if we've lost a few brain cells over the years, the concept is still quite elementary. SIN=PAIN.

Satan is at the center of the dilemma. He dresses sin up and tries to deceive us by its appearance, hoping we won't recognize it in its disguise. Here is an example: For some, he re-packages sex to look like love. Those desperate for love are most susceptible to this deception. He cross-dresses adultery and makes it look like relief (from a miserable marriage). He dresses up alcohol or drugs as an escape from real-life or an enhancement to a good time. He takes anything dangerous to us and dresses it up like something else. He knows that its real purpose is not what the advertising suggests. The results are all the same--pain. It doesn't matter what the scenario is, sin (in any of its forms) brings pain. Sometimes the pain is not immediate, sometimes it is. Either way, the pain WILL come.

We know that Satan uses what we most desire to lure us into sin. That's where we have to be discerning. We need to look more closely at the things that come into our lives appearing to be what we desire. We must be proactive and look under the packaging to see if it is the real deal or Satan's repackaged sin. To be most successful in this process, we must be acutely aware of what areas in our lives are most susceptible. We can lazily take a quick moment and mentally list our problem areas. Or we can write them down and daily review what events, conversations, thoughts etc...need to be monitored more closely. If we feel that we are coming close to one of Satan's cross-dressed sins, we can take appropriate measures and/or put appropriate boundaries into place before we blindly embrace it.

There is enough unavoidable pain in this life. We don't want to be inviting more into our lives by falling victim to those nasty cross-dressed sins.

Art Appreciation

Read Psalm 139: 1-16

Who are you? Sounds like such a simple question. Most people spend their entire life struggling to figure out who they really are. As a follower of Christ you don’t have to wonder. You only need to go to the source—God. He knows not only who you are but who He designed you to be. You do not need to search in your place of work, in your family, in your significant other; in your wardrobe, or anywhere else. The world can cloud your vision. Your view can be warped. But God sees you in crystal clarity.

If you stand at a wall, facing an abstract painting, trying to understand it, who would you ask to help you understand? Would you ask the person who purchased it? The person who framed it? How about an art expert? Museum curator? Each of those individuals would certainly have insight, but the best possible person to ask would be the artist. It seems so obvious.

God knows who you are and sees you accurately because He is the artist. He is the creator. When you are questioning the artwork in yourself, go to the source. He is the ONLY one who really knows, that is why it is so important to seek the answers from Him.

Many outside sources try to dish out our identities. They try to tell us who we are, what we have or don’t have, and what we could be if only we would buy this or change that. But only the creator of the art truly knows the creation. When you are questioning...go to the creator of the artwork. Go to God. Stop no where else on the way.

What sources in your life try to define you or tell you who you are? Do they line up with what God says about you?

Who Determines Your Value?

We sometimes tie our value as a person with acceptance or approval that we receive from others. Sadly, often times, the world bases it’s acceptance and approval on performance, appearance, status, and other worldly things. This can lead to a very skewed self-concept. We wonder if our value will remain if we fall short in any way. If we base our value on other’s opinions and conditions, we will damage the way we see our own value when we fall short (and eventually, we will fall short). This keeps many of us on an emotional roller-coaster throughout our lives.

However, your value is constant. It is unchanging. It is set eternally. It was determined by the God of the universe. It is divine. It was proven when God sent His Son to die on the cross. He loved you so much that He couldn’t bear the idea of eternity without you. He made the ultimate sacrifice to be with you. This is the greatest love story. Yet this depth of love is hard to fathom. He knows you in the tiniest of detail. He knows all of your thoughts and actions. He knows all of your ways (Psalm 139:3). He sees what no one else sees. And yet, He loves you beyond all reason. His love is never based on any of the peripherals of this world. He loves you simply because you are His precious child and He’d do ANYTHING to show you His love. So He did. That is where your worth and your value were determined: on the cross. Once and for all, you have been deemed WORTHY. No outside factor can penetrate or change your value and worth to Him.

In what areas of life do you see yourself as lacking? Are your self-expectations based on the world’s standards or God’s? What steps can you take to realign your value with God’s viewpoint?

Watering Camels Changed Everything

Genesis chapter 24 tells the story of Rebekah. In it, Abraham’s servant was sent to find a wife for his son Isaac. When the servant finally reached Haran, a journey of approximately 400 miles, he stopped at a well prayed:

“Now let it be that the young woman to whom I say, ‘Please let down your pitcher that I may drink,’ and she says, ‘Drink, and I will also give your camels a drink’---let her be the one You have appointed for Your servant Isaac. And by this I will know that You have shown your kindness to my master.” Gen 24:14

Before the servant had finished his prayer, Rebekah approached the well. She offered him water from her pitcher and also offered to water his camels. Camels that had completed such a journey could drink up to 20 or 30 gallons of water. Yet she made the offer and completed the task, which was quite an undertaking. The servant was then convinced that this woman was the answer to his prayer.

Rebekah trusted in God and went with the servant and became Isaac’s wife. They loved one another deeply. She found her role in God’s plan. This didn’t happen because of some center-stage gift or talent. She served water to camels. Who would have thought that such a lowly and laborious task would lead Rebekah to becoming the mother of Jacob? The Hebrew nation is spoken of as “the sons of Jacob” and the “children of Israel”. She became the mother of Jacob because of her lowly service many years before.

Do you ever feel that you don’t play a very significant role? Do you ever feel your skills or gifts are not special, or are perhaps even ordinary? Take heart, God can use everything we do in His service in divine ways. Whether you are singing praises on stage or sweeping the floors, God will bless your efforts. You may never know what impact your servant heart and actions may have; trust that God uses them in divine ways. A girl simply watering camels birthed a nation. Imagine what He can do through you if you are willing.

Today, ask God to bless what you do throughout your day, no matter how small it may seem to you. Trust that He can use any act of service to have a divine impact.

Intercessory Prayer

What is my request? Do I ask God to do what I want? Or do I ask for His will to be done? What is my request when someone asks for prayer for a sick loved one? Do I ask God to make them well? What if it is God's will for that person to go home to be with Him? Intercessory prayer is a concept with which I struggle at times. Above all, I want God's will to be done. What would be the point of asking for anything else? Perhaps more good could come from a battle with a person's health than if He simply healed them at the moment we asked? Only He knows and sees the divine possibilities.

I've prayed many intercessory prayers. Intercessory prayer is biblical. If it is important to others and I am asked to pray, I will pray. However, at the end of any intercessory prayer I will ask above all else that God's will be done.

I know God's mind can be changed. It happened in the Bible. It did. For that reason, I ask for many things that I am not certain if God wants or doesn't. Yet, in the end, I submit it all to God's will. That example came directly from Jesus. He asked the Heavenly Father not to have to endure the cross, but ultimately that God's will be done. I follow that model. I struggle with it sometimes. Struggling is not a problem; it is OK. Despite the occasional struggle with my own understanding, I follow my model: Christ.

"Therefore faith prays in such a manner that it commits everything to the gracious will of God; it lets [God] determine whether it is conducive to his honor and to our benefit." (Martin Luther, in a sermon on Matt. 8:1-13.)

Update...lacking.

At this point I haven't written a single word on my project. I am slammed with other tasks. HOWEVER, I am mentally doing prep-work on my writing assignment as I commute to and from the office. I have also worked on nailing down key scriptures to use foundationally. I suppose I will work on the actual writing this weekend, away from the office. I can't put it off for too long because my deadline is 14th. I love the content and topic of the assignment, so it should be fun as well as fulfilling. I am really looking forward to completing this project. I've really enjoyed it, even in just the fledgling stage of mental outlining.

I could get used to this! :)

Spiritual Gluttony?

"Open your eyes and look at the fields! They are ripe for harvest." John 4:35

Are you harvest-minded? Or are you focused on YOU? Do you understand why you are really here? Or are you just trying to get through your day? Are you looking for moments to reap? Or are you thinking about what you are going to have for lunch? As you go through the day are your thoughts primarily focused on yourself, YOUR wants, YOUR needs, YOUR schedule, YOUR family, YOUR significant other? How broad does your mind/heart really wander? Or does it simply swirl in a tight circle around yourself?

Jesus' focus was on the harvest/others. In the context surrounding the scripture above, the disciples were focused on their own needs. Most of us are like the disciples. We focus on ourselves instead of the reason we are truly here! We get lost in the peripherals of this life. It frustrated Jesus back then. I imagine that it still does now.

Are you a consumer or contributor? In the life of your church? In the lives of others in this world? Are you harvesting or are you just wondering when dinner will be served and if it will taste good to you? When I see Christians get most complacent and discontented with the local church is when they disconnect and become consumers as opposed to contributors. Does that sound harsh? We tend to neglect the eternal and focus on the details of this life. Ackkk. Drives me crazy. We need to get off of our butts and make an impact, stir things up, step up, serve others! Don't expect your spiritual nourishment to only come from the pulpit or stage from your pastor or minister. Take that on yourself. Be proactive. Not every sermon or lesson will feed YOU. Get over it and know that it is feeding someone...who probably needs it more than you. Crack open your Bible and devotionals ON YOUR OWN. Take responsibility for your own spiritual growth and feeding. It is not solely in the hands of pastors/preachers/bible school teachers. And so much of it happens when we serve others and get outside of ourselves!

Are you looking for ways to impact and contribute or are you a sideline commentator focusing on what YOU aren't getting? You will remain discontented. You will. We have to learn to get outside of ourselves. That is what we are called to. Harvesting. Sowing seeds, Reaping. Not binging at the spiritual dinner buffet wanting more and more as it slides down the side of our mouth and drops onto the floor. (YUCK!)

The fields are ripe for harvest. Do you see it? Are you harvesting or are you complaining about those who are? If so, get involved to impact where you see change needs to be made. Encourage and inspire others around you. Pray for your leaders and pastors instead of complaining about them. Spur others on in His service. See beyond yourself. The time for harvesting is here. The fields are ripe. Get in there and impact others. Don't wait for your church, your pastor, or whoever to light your fire. Step up, get involved, reach out beyond your seat in church. Focus on someone else. Focus on the mission--the harvest. Stop looking inward and start investing outward. The fields are ripe for harvest. Get out there and impact someone else!! Stop trying to gorge yourself at the table becoming discontented with each and every meal and start finding others to bring to the table who are spiritually starving. That's were true satisfaction and fulfillment will be found. Not in one more sideline complaint from another gorger about a lesson/sermon/series that didn't quite hit home for them. Pa-leeeease. Get out of your seat and DO SOMETHING. Go from glutton to giver.

Passion

Can you imagine what it would be like to be paid to do something you love? I don't mean something that you generally enjoy or something you aren't necessarily opposed to doing, but something you LOVE to do! What if your job was to do something you are wildly passionate about?! How great would that be?! When I was young I wanted there to be a "job" that would allow me to play with animals and get paid for it. No such job exists. As a veterinarian, you see animals that are hurt, sick, and some have to be euthanized. Not much fun. As a dog walker you have to leash up the dogs, go outside, even if it is hot/rainy/whatever and you actually have to walk the dogs. I couldn't find anyone who just wanted someone to come and play with animals. At the very least no one was willing to pay for it. At a young age I became jaded about "jobs". They were things you had to do in order to get your bills paid. Does anyone truly love doing what they do for a living? Could I ever have that?

I have had jobs that I enjoyed...for the most part. I have had jobs that I couldn't stand, but did them anyway because I needed the money. I have never been paid to do something that I LOVE doing. NEVER. I really like my job now. A LOT. I like the people I work with very much. I like the environment. I like the purpose of it. But I don't LOVE it. I don't love generating reports. I don't love organizing events. I don't love the computer work and paper work details. I like my job very much, but I do not love it. It is all about passion! I am wired with certain passions. We all are. I've not yet been paid to do something I am wildly passionate about. I know I am where I am today, career-wise for a reason. I have no doubt about that. I am waiting on God's perfect timing for the passion to be ignited in my current position. I feel the winds of change. I wait upon the Lord.

Today starts a whole new adventure. I get to do something that I LOVE, and get paid for it. I get to write. Where I work, there is a never-ending need for writing. MY kind of writing. Spiritual writing. I have been asked to contribute and write! I got my first assignment today and I am completely STOKED! It may not seem like a big deal to you, maybe it does. I don't know. But for me...it is HUGE! I am so excited. I feel like a kid in a candy store.

I pray God speaks in the words that I will write. I pray that I don't get in His way. I am so thrilled to be able to use one of my passions in my job. THRILLED. Thanks for letting me share my excitement with you guys. Now, on to the project! I've got a deadline. :)

Splinters In Your Back

"As the Father sent me, I am sending you." John 20:21

Ponder that statement. Think about what that might mean. Does it scare you at all? Does it make you uncomfortable at all? Does it make you wonder? If it doesn't, you might want to read it again; ponder it more deeply. As God sent Jesus, He is sending YOU.

How did God send Jesus? What was Jesus' mission? What did it look like?

He humbled himself. He took the form of servant. He was obedient even to the point of DEATH. He went from the riches of heaven to earthly rags; from exaltation to humiliation; authority to obedience; significance to rejection; comfort to hardship; safety to danger; life to death. THAT is what his mission looked like. He calls YOU in the same way. Does that make you uncomfortable NOW? Did you look at that list???

Do you take that mission seriously? And to what lengths? Do you carry his message into the workplace? Into your family? Your city? Your country? What about into the depths of another country? Would you go that far? Would you risk your comfort? Your safety? Your life? Would you; to share His love, His hope, His life with someone who desperately needs it? What does your mission look like? Does it look like his? If not, why not? Are you willing? As the Father sent Him, so He sends YOU.

Ignore this if you choose. Don't ponder it. Read it and go to the next blog, the next email, the phone, or whatever. It is your choice. But no matter what you choose to do, KNOW that you have been called just as He was. JUST AS HE WAS. Are you willing to dilute the mission to fit your needs, your desires, your schedule and your comforts, your lukewarm/sideline Christianity? How far are you willing to go? To what lengths? Or are you just along for the ride and waiting for the next person to cross YOUR path? What is being in His service costing you? Anything? It cost Him everything. And as He was sent, so YOU are sent. We are to die to ourselves and pick up our cross and follow Him. When was the last time you felt the weight of a cross your back? Have you ever felt it? Are there any splinters in your back? Have there ever been any? He is calling you, just as He was called. He is sending you, just as He was sent. Ponder it along with me and see if you (we) are TRULY living the mission.

Redirection

The best way to deal with certain discontentments in your life is to stop focusing on them. Stop draining your gifts and energy into them. Whatever those things are in your life that you are discontented with that are not changing, I say: redirect your energies.

I say that because that is what God is telling me to do in my own life. For the MOST part, I am content. I have a VERY blessed life. Sure there are areas that I would like to be better. Some of those areas I have been "battling" with for some time. I have tried everything I know of to make them better. I have prayed and prayed. I have read my Bible searching for answers. I have sought wise counsel. Yet, nothing changes. That is hard for me to accept. Then it occurred to me, what if that part of my life isn't supposed to change? What if it isn't going to change no matter what I do, or try, or pray? What if it isn't meant to change? What if it is one of the billions of things in my life that isn't in my control to change?

Once I got that seemingly simple concept in my head, then I thought, what would be the point of continuing to pour so much of myself into it? Perhaps, God is saying, "trust in Me and release your discontent. Give it over to me and focus that extra part of you on others." There are lots of people in my life that need extra attention, love, kindness, etc...and I have it to give.

So I am doing that. It is amazing how quickly the discontentment fades when you pour into others who so desperately need it. When we take the focus off of ourselves (which for many of us is hard to do) and redirect our focus onto others in need, our own issues lessen and fade. Bringing joy to others refuels me. Focusing on me and things I have no control over, drains me. Those things I need to release to Him, reminding myself that many times, more action is not better. Remember Carlotta, "Be still and know that I am God." Give of yourself where it is most needed and wanted. There you will find joy, peace and contentment.

Angels Among Us.

(Three posts in one day. That might be a record for me.)

The Bible is clear about angels among us. One of them works where I do. She may be one of my angels--one that God placed here for me. ;) She always has the words and the knowing spirit I need. She prays for me and with me. She prays for people she doesn't even know but does so because they are important to me. She is my never-faltering cheerleader. She never changes her support and she always stands firm with me. She is steadfast and she sees my heart and my desires and shares my excitement and hope. Her faith in my dreams and her trust in God to fulfill my desires is unyielding. She is my friend and my angel.

Thank you God for your angels. I saw one today for what she was and it was breathtakingly beautiful. I am so blessed.

Frustrated AT God?

For your name's sake O Lord, pardon my guilt, for it is great. Turn to me and be gracious to me, for I am lonely and afflicted. The troubles of my heart are enlarged, bring me out of my distresses.--Psalm 25:11, 16-18 Sometimes my heart has the same cry as David's. My guilt is great. I am lonely. I am distressed. The troubles of my heart are HUGE. Bring me out of this!!! Can you relate sometimes? Boy I can. Sometimes however, I am on the mountain top! I am full of joy and peace and harmony. I swim and float in the cool waters of my gracious and loving Lord. All seems well in my world.

There are scriptures for all of the ups and downs of life. Isn't is awesome to be able to pick up the Word of God and know that we are not alone? To see that life as a Christian is not one smooth and perfect ride, with no bumps or bruises, for anyone. But to also see that there is hope and joy and true LIFE to be enjoyed as well. God is gracious to have given us this amazing book to help us on this wild ride of life and the pursuit of His Will. I cannot fathom the kindness, love, forgiveness, and grace He gladly gives to me. My feeble mind cannot conceive of such love. Yet, I am learning to accept and embrace it whether or not I truly understand it. And sometimes that is quite difficult. When I feel absolutely unlovable, and there are those times, and He loves me anyway, it is almost frustrating! Sometimes I just want to yell at Him, "Haven't you given up on me yet?! What is the matter with You? Can't you seem I am a MESS? Can't you see that I can't seem to get this thing right? Can't you see that I have screwed up again?!!" And yes, He sees all of that, He knows it all, but He loves me any way. EVEN in my frustration with Him and His love. With people, eventually after enough messes and enough screw-ups and enough sin and enough enough enough...there is a limit. Some/most people will bail out on you! I can grasp that! I see it all the time. I've deserved to be bailed on. But God, He is relentless with me. He just keeps on loving me and pursuing me and forgiving me. Sometimes I simply don't understand how or why. But as I have mentioned before, some things I need to just accept that I will never understand. "Lean not on your own understanding..."

Thank you God for your Word. Thank you for loving me when I am unlovable. For seeing Christ when you look at me instead of my mess! I don't get it, sometimes I don't know how to accept it. But right now, today, in this very moment, I thank you for it. You know, I certainly NEED it.

I am blessed beyond reason and in ways I cannot even comprehend. Thank you Lord for the good and the bad. I am learning and growing from it. I am in a wonderful place of hope, discovery, and internal change.

Construction Zone

As you can probably surmise if you’ve been reading: Carlotta is under construction. Perhaps the better term would be that I am under “re-construction”. We probably should all be regularly going through some kind of change and growth. Otherwise: stagnation. And stagnation is not something I am alright with.

At 34 years old, I am learning to look deeper. Who’d have thought it would take this long? I’ve always thought of myself as a deep person. But in light of recent discoveries and realizations, I understand that I haven’t been very deep with myself. It’s a tough realization. I have been deep with others regarding their own “stuff”. But I have been fearful of being deep with myself and sharing those depths with anyone else.

Somehow, someway, something, someone has discovered the key to the massive lock securing my dungeon of secrets. And a dungeon is exactly what it is. The dark cold place where I lock up my unpleasant, un-pretty, sometimes graphic and scary realities of my life. The horrific memories that I despise that cannot be erased. The thoughts that I hate thinking. The actions that I am ashamed of. The fears that I have not yet overcome. The parts of me that are everything opposite of what I am “supposed” to be. I assume that everyone has a place like this. The wise ones share it. The wise ones release it. The wise ones at the very least acknowledge its existence. I have been fooling myself and thus have been unable to share my true self with anyone else, much less BE my true self. This is not what God intended. He made me. He knows me…even the stuff in the dungeon. He created me for more and if I do not learn to open up and follow the scripture in James 5:16, I do not have much hope of becoming what He intended. Hiding out won’t cut it.

BUT, joyfully, I feel as though my flood gates have been opened and even though some of the things that are flooding out that I am experiencing and purging are really tough to go through, there is an amazing release and relief in what I am working through. Hence the healing mentioned in James. And I don’t expect that this is a one-time thing. Logic leads me to believe that this confession, this vulnerable and exposed sharing is something that must be done on a continuing basis. And I know I have so much more to purge. I guess that is an on-going need. Otherwise I will find myself in the same place I did before. I don’t want that.

I am not sure why I share this here. Not sure if it just helps me to write the process out or if I hope that someone else will relate or if I think that someone else may have a shared struggle. I'm not sure what the point is, not that it has to have a point. It is on my heart, so I write. But I thank you for reading, commenting, calling, emailing, etc… It is great to know that even if I am a complete freak…which I just might be, that I have great friends, supporters and encouragers even so.

My Disease

I have a disease. I do not talk about it. But I am going to write about it because writing is therapeutic for me. I am beginning to win the battle with this disease. God is the ultimate healer. The master physician. There are illnesses, diseases and disorders that people say there is NO CURE for. But God continues to prove them wrong. I believe in healing, because I believe in a God who has more power than the human brain can fathom. More power than science. More power than illness and disease.


OK, well the disease I am referring to isn't what you may think. I am not going to share with you physical ailments. What I am sharing with you is the disease I have had for many years to please people. And it is an illness. The "disease to please". It is SICK. It truly is SICK! It seems harmless on the surface. Most people-pleasers are wonderful people, with BIG hearts. Most people like the people-pleasers that they know. The biggest problem at least for me with this disease is when I change ME to please someone else. When I change who God designed me to be. When I attempt to go against my wiring or when I go against something God has placed in my heart. I'd like to say I haven't done that. I'd like to say, I have always held fast to WHO GOD MADE ME TO BE. But I haven't always. I have sacrificed those things in order to keep or make other people happy and content. And that is WRONG.

Part of what occurred over the weekend that I shared in my previous post is even related to this issue. Part of why I haven't opened up and shared and confessed my sinful issues and struggles to other people is a part of me not wanting to let others down. And in my twisted little mind, if they hear the real things about me, they'd be disappointed, some even might be hurt. I can't have that, right?! So, I go along, closed up yet suffocating on the inside.

I feel as though I have been in serious therapy lately, but I haven't seen a therapist, exactly. There are some things that God is revealing to me both through scripture AND through people in my life. I have done far better over the last few years about the people pleasing issue, BUT, after some soul-searching and some brutal honesty with myself and reviewing events that have occurred, I have seen much deeper into Carlotta. Deeper than I have in a very long time. And I see much more work is required. And there are some issues I WILL BE addressing. Deep ones. Personal ones. Painful ones. Healing ones.

I do not want to be a people-pleaser anymore. And certainly not at the expense of who God created me to be. Honestly, I have done that. I cannot continue. This doesn't mean I am going to be a mean, hurtful, person who doesn't care about others and their needs. But I have marauded around at many times being someone that someone else wanted/expected me to be...NOT who I am inside and NOT in the ways I am wired. And that is dishonest and wrong.

God does use US to help and heal each other. It has been directly in response to the people in my life that so many things are being revealed to me and changed within me. I am being challenged, changed, pulled open, and exposed. And for me, that is a very good thing. Don't get me wrong it isn't all sunshine and rainbows....it can be painful, but even sometimes the pain is a much needed release. Does that sound odd to you? Pain-being a good thing to experience? It does to me. It is foreign to me. I have worked so hard to not deal with pain and to protect others from pain...even when doing so has been a catastrophic mistake. I do not want to do that anymore. I want to live authentically, whether that is always a "pretty picture" or not. No longer avoiding the painful things. No longer skirting the unpleasantness. I know there are many of joyful times and experiences in my life, but I am realizing there is great progress to be made in dealing with and facing and even experiencing the ugly and painful parts of Carlotta too. I do not want to hide out anymore. I am going to face my diseases and deal with them. All of them. Knowing that no matter what they are...they can be healed bringing God the glory.

Thank you God, for the people in my world. I am so blessed. You use them to change me, bless me, and open my eyes--sometimes when they don't even realize it. I am not perfect. I am not always OK. I need to free myself by sharing my pain and confessing what needs to be confessed and shared in order to receive that healing and release I so desperately need and want. I need to free Carlotta to be Carlotta, not what anyone else expects me to be. I need to stop avoiding...and avoiding...and avoiding. Thank you for placing people in my life who love me enough to be used by you to reach me deeply. Thank you for placing the desire within them to continue chipping away at the walls around me. I am blessed.