You Lousy Hypocrite!

"Sit back and keep your mouth shut. Bite your tongue. Wilt into the background. In fear of stepping on anyone's toes, never step up. Stay in your seat. Quieten your inner voice. Go along to get along. Restrain your heart, mind, and writings. Don't risk being disliked or disagreed with. Don't tell the truth; it may hurt someone; don't lie, just don't say anything. Who are you to speak up or out about anything? You're a sinner!! You're a struggler! Stay shackled. Don't make anyone uncomfortable. Don't get uncomfortable yourself. Feel a stirring in your heart to speak up, speak out, stand up?...Smother it! Just who in the world do you think you are anyway? I know who you are. I know what you've done. I know what you've thought. I know every time you sin. I know you sinned just moments ago. I know your life isn't in the same universe with perfection. SHUT UP! Sink down in silence. Don't say a WORD! You lousy hypocrite!"

All of that goes through my mind and heart every time I am about to write something that someone/anyone may not agree with or be comfortable with. I hate it. I know who is saying it. When I ignore it and go ahead and write what is on my heart, I hit POST and then duck for cover.

Must we be perfect to share His message? Must we be perfect to encourage others and ourselves in writing? Must we be perfect to speak up? Must we be perfect to write things of spiritual substance? NO. NO. NO. Check out my brother Paul (in the Bible). Do I ever present myself as perfection...uh heck no! Not even ONCE! Not even close! So why this inner battle EVERY SINGLE time I write? I know the score. I do not condemn a single soul...not even myself. That is not my place. We ALL fall short of the glory of God! I am a sinner. I am in dire need of my Savior- a Savior who takes great pleasure in me. But the enemy knows my weakness to keep the peace, to go along to get along. He plays upon my insecurities and failures to keep me quiet. He uses everything he can to quiet my voice. Sadly, sometimes he gets away with it.

Dear God, please help me to always stand strong when he whispers of fear, doubt, and hypocrisy. Let my imperfections be used to glorify you, don't let me use them as an excuse to wilt and wither into silence.

Path to Misery

Earlier in the week I was listening to a woman crying. She was in a relationship with a gentleman whom she loved very much. They were considering marriage. He evidently was a tough nut to crack. She couldn't get him to open up about much of anything that was deep. He was very guarded emotionally. They were both parents from previous marriages with a couple of kids each. Both were wanting to remarry. But she had a huge burden on her heart. She loved this man, but knew something was WRONG. As the counselor dug deeper, he knew that she had contacted him for confirmation of what she already knew deep down. The more he probed into the relationship, the more her real problem became clear.

As I listened, I cried too. I knew this woman's struggle well. And I knew she was on the path to long-term misery if something didn't change. Her frustration with his unwillingness to open up was really just her excuse to talk to this counselor. Her BIG issue was pulled out of her by the wise counselor. The BIG issue was that she was already weary from being the spiritual leader in the relationship and they weren't even married yet. She longed for him to take the lead. He wouldn't. Why would he? She carried that load for him. Yet, she was afraid that if she stopped, he wouldn't pick up the role. She even admitted that she felt that this problem was why his first marriage failed. He was unable, maybe even unwilling to be the leader, ESPECIALLY when it came to spiritual leadership.

The counselor told her what she already knew; this was a recipe for disaster if she went ahead and married this gentleman. She knew it and just wanted confirmation. As she listened to the reality you could hear sadness yet relief in her voice. SHE KNEW ALL ALONG. She just wanted someone else to say it too.

God designed the man/woman relationship to work in a certain way. If the woman must bear to load of leader eventually the relationship will breakdown. It is not the role God designed for the woman. I know. I know this WELL. Listening to this interaction brought back so much past pain, yet brought me hope that I will never have to walk that road again. I learned the VERY HARD WAY that I am never meant to be the spiritual leader in a relationship/marriage. I tried...for many YEARS. It was never a role I was meant to take and one I will never take on again.

I pray that this woman will do what she has to do to walk away from the relationship or at the very least postpone the marriage until she can help this man to get guidance, mentoring, intentional spiritual growth, whatever it takes for him to come to a place in his spiritual walk to be EAGER to step up and take the lead. I pray for them both. I know the destruction that will follow if they continue on "as is".

Heavenly Father, guard and protect this woman. Take her hand and lead her to the right path, decisions, and choices in this matter. I pray for this man as well. I pray that he too will seek You and Your will in his life and in this relationship. In Your Son's Precious Name...AMEN!

Coleman, You're Home

Goodbye Coleman. You touched lives of many people; people who never even knew you. You've graduated. You are HOME.

Here is the final blog post of his courageous journey.

Rooting for Coleman

As if being in a foreign country (Iraq) far away from your family, friends, and fiancé fighting a war weren't bad enough...what if you got sick and diagnosed with leukemia while out there? What if you were too sick to come home to the states for treatment? What if you were far away from home and fighting for your life? Please join me in faithful prayer for Coleman Hinkefent and his fiancé , family, and friends. They have a blog with consistent updates. PLEASE pray!

Art

All art requires courage. - Anne Tucker

Once the amateur's naive approach and humble willingness to learn fades away, the creative spirit of good art dies with it. Every professional should remain always in his heart an amateur. -Alfred Eisenstaedt

Just for Giggles

Two things that made me giggle Monday night:

1. My daughter talking about the first My Little Pony that she ever got...she says that it was the one she got when she was "young," (she received it two months ago...you know, back in the day!)
2. My daughter praying for me when I wasn't feeling too great (bad headache), she ended the prayer with, "In Jesus Name, THE END!"

Obviously they were much cuter coming out of the precious little mouth of my kiddo, but even in this medium, they are precious enough to share.

I love being a mom. :)

Carlotta, Just Let It Go.

Wow, what a strange couple of weeks. It's been a roller coaster ride to be sure.

Here is the resounding theme: Carlotta, Just Let It Go.

I am not good at just letting things go. The saying, "like water off a duck's back," has never been used in reference to me. Ha! But I'd like that to be different. It is proving to be harder than just flipping some sort of internal switch. If something "bothers" me it sticks with me for a while, sometimes a long while. I know that hanging onto things that "just aren't right," isn't good. I also recognize it as something Satan uses to steal my joy. I believe that stealing joy from people is one of his favorite pastimes. One which he uses on me regularly.

I've been allowing certain things grate away at my heart and my soul. Some of these things have been with me for a LONG time. It is time to release them. What is the point in carrying around things that are hurtful to our hearts and souls, especially when we have ZERO control over them. It is hard enough to master having control over ones own self, but believing that we have control over anything else is, well, laughable. The things I am allowing to steal my joy are most certainly things that I have ZERO control over. So it seems quite silly of me to allow them to reside within me while they tear away at my heart and my joy.

So this is me releasing them. These issues, which I have written out on a piece of paper, are being passed through the industrial shredder as soon as I end this post to symbolically illustrate their destruction. I release them of their hold on me and I am just going to Let It Go.

Homeless

A dear friend and I were talking. We both have this feeling of homelessness that ebbs and flows. Not that we don't have a home to live in...but a feeling of homelessness within our hearts. We seek to comfort that feeling at church, in small groups, with friends, with romances, etc...whatever we think will work. Sometimes, temporarily, that works. Sometimes friends, family, a romantic interest, church family, etc...will fill the void. But it never seems to last long enough to sustain an "at home" feeling in the heart/soul.

I have seen many people feel this ache and move from church to church to church thinking that the problem is the local church they are attending at the time. Others seek to rove through social circles and friends trying to fill up the hole and distract their minds from the void. And some look for it in romance...the great "love of their lives". They all eventually fall short of what is the real need.

I've tried all of those things. However, no matter where or who I've turned to, it wasn't enough. But I've realized something: it will never be enough. Even when I fill myself up with the Lord (which is where I should always go FIRST), it isn't enough. My soul feels a longing and a void that will never be eased until I make it home--to my soul's real home. I will feel homeless until I am home. Home is not here. When we begin to love this life, these relationships, and these trappings enough that we are satisfied...we will no longer desire Him and our home with Him the way we were made to.

I used to feel like something was "wrong" with me because of my homeless feeling. Now I recognize it as growing closer to my Lord and my intense desire to be with Him as my soul was designed for...for eternity. So when those aches and unfulfilled desires gnaw at my heart, I stop and smile and know that I am right where I should be. I am aching at the very core of my soul to be with my heart's desire, my Lord and my God. I will feel homeless until I am truly home... HOME with Him.