Do You Do It?

I have a friend who encouraged me to start journaling again. I used to journal a lot. I got out of the habit when Gracyn was born. She was my excuse, I suppose. I have recently started journaling again, I wish I had never stopped. It is therapeutic for me, in many ways. I learn so much about myself and my motives as I go through life and circumstances. I am able to release my struggles, my failures, and my successes in an external format. While, I do blog, I don't share everything in my blogs. I use general topics and circumstances so that other readers can possibly relate too.

I just finished doing some journaling just now, and it's amazing how much I have grown over the past few years. See, when I journal I also go back sometimes to see where my mind was in the past and what my focus was on and the progress I have made (or not, as the case may be). Over the past couple of years and especially months I have grown immensely. I've started the process of getting the focus off of ME. Of course having a child will teach you that really quickly. But I am learning to not just focus on her either. Reading past journal entries and reviewing where my life's focus has been, has trained me to be COGNISANT and AWARE of my focus and my motives in my life. That's a cool thing about journaling, if you choose to review them or recall past times in your life you can get a quick picture of what is/was taking up the biggest portion of your life, mind-space, and heart-space (thanks Erin).

I am getting better about taking the focus off of me. I am not great at it, but I am getting better. I have come A LONG WAY with giving my God the biggest portion of my heart and mind space. I SO long to please Him, to do His will in my life, to take His hand and let Him lead me...even places I am scared and unsure to go. One step at a time, I am learning to let go. It's scary and exhilarating all at once. I don't know where He'll lead me and that's scary. What if He leads me to some place or to someone that I wouldn't have chosen? Unsettling sometimes. But WHY??? Doesn't He know what I need most? Doesn't He have my best interest at heart? Didn't He create every part of me and give me my very breath? Why wouldn't I just take His hand and follow Him anywhere feeling 100% comfortable, safe, and secure? Well, I am learning everyday to do this. I am learning to look at life with new vision. I am learning to take off my shallow glasses, my earthly desires, and be open to situations that I am unsure of. My view is fallible, His is not. He brings circumstances and people into my life. They may be beautiful blessings and bring overly abundant joy into my life IF I choose to trust Him. It's not always so easy. I am just like everyone else. I have the capacity to be selfish, to be shallow, to think my preferred scenarios are what is best. I have to make concerted effort to let go of my perfect pictures and scenarios and trust I am where I am for a reason. I am here at this place, in the circumstances, with these people for a reason. I can either trust Him or buck Him. If I am living my life according to His word, (and I am trying my best everyday...) He will bless my life in ways I cannot yet imagine. But I must trust. And I am doing that better today than I EVER have in my life. And that brings incredible peace. I could worry about how I am going to provide for me and my child, or I can trust Him to guide me there. I can worry about having or not having a Godly relationship with a Christian man, or I can trust Him to guide our paths. I can worry about raising my child to follow the footsteps of Christ or I can trust God to provide me with the tools and heart to do so. I can worry about finding the right ministry to pursue or I can trust God to lead me where He needs me most. The results of trusting Him will bring true joy, true life, true peace. Worry will never bring any such things. He wants me to have life and have it to the FULLEST. That means--His way not mine. That takes immense trust.

These things are easier for me to SEE and PROCESS when I journal. I can see in black and white what I am struggling with. I can go back and review it. Journaling is thoughts, feelings, fears, failings and successes all captured in time on paper. With these writings I can review and adapt. I can get a better, more open, and honest picture of where I was and where I've come, that may get skewed if the only place it is stored is in my mind. If I recall a time in my life, mentally, I may skew it to be something different, than if I have black and white evidence to read. I can see, quite clearly, if I am trusting or worrying. If I am open to Him or only open to me. Journaling is an incredible tool that I encourage you to use as well. In it, you can draw nearer to God and you can see yourself in a true light, which in my life means GROWTH.

To my friend, who reintroduced me to journaling, I thank you with all of my heart. It makes a huge difference in my life and you do too.