As you can probably surmise if you’ve been reading: Carlotta is under construction. Perhaps the better term would be that I am under “re-construction”. We probably should all be regularly going through some kind of change and growth. Otherwise: stagnation. And stagnation is not something I am alright with.
At 34 years old, I am learning to look deeper. Who’d have thought it would take this long? I’ve always thought of myself as a deep person. But in light of recent discoveries and realizations, I understand that I haven’t been very deep with myself. It’s a tough realization. I have been deep with others regarding their own “stuff”. But I have been fearful of being deep with myself and sharing those depths with anyone else.
Somehow, someway, something, someone has discovered the key to the massive lock securing my dungeon of secrets. And a dungeon is exactly what it is. The dark cold place where I lock up my unpleasant, un-pretty, sometimes graphic and scary realities of my life. The horrific memories that I despise that cannot be erased. The thoughts that I hate thinking. The actions that I am ashamed of. The fears that I have not yet overcome. The parts of me that are everything opposite of what I am “supposed” to be. I assume that everyone has a place like this. The wise ones share it. The wise ones release it. The wise ones at the very least acknowledge its existence. I have been fooling myself and thus have been unable to share my true self with anyone else, much less BE my true self. This is not what God intended. He made me. He knows me…even the stuff in the dungeon. He created me for more and if I do not learn to open up and follow the scripture in James 5:16, I do not have much hope of becoming what He intended. Hiding out won’t cut it.
BUT, joyfully, I feel as though my flood gates have been opened and even though some of the things that are flooding out that I am experiencing and purging are really tough to go through, there is an amazing release and relief in what I am working through. Hence the healing mentioned in James. And I don’t expect that this is a one-time thing. Logic leads me to believe that this confession, this vulnerable and exposed sharing is something that must be done on a continuing basis. And I know I have so much more to purge. I guess that is an on-going need. Otherwise I will find myself in the same place I did before. I don’t want that.
I am not sure why I share this here. Not sure if it just helps me to write the process out or if I hope that someone else will relate or if I think that someone else may have a shared struggle. I'm not sure what the point is, not that it has to have a point. It is on my heart, so I write. But I thank you for reading, commenting, calling, emailing, etc… It is great to know that even if I am a complete freak…which I just might be, that I have great friends, supporters and encouragers even so.
At 34 years old, I am learning to look deeper. Who’d have thought it would take this long? I’ve always thought of myself as a deep person. But in light of recent discoveries and realizations, I understand that I haven’t been very deep with myself. It’s a tough realization. I have been deep with others regarding their own “stuff”. But I have been fearful of being deep with myself and sharing those depths with anyone else.
Somehow, someway, something, someone has discovered the key to the massive lock securing my dungeon of secrets. And a dungeon is exactly what it is. The dark cold place where I lock up my unpleasant, un-pretty, sometimes graphic and scary realities of my life. The horrific memories that I despise that cannot be erased. The thoughts that I hate thinking. The actions that I am ashamed of. The fears that I have not yet overcome. The parts of me that are everything opposite of what I am “supposed” to be. I assume that everyone has a place like this. The wise ones share it. The wise ones release it. The wise ones at the very least acknowledge its existence. I have been fooling myself and thus have been unable to share my true self with anyone else, much less BE my true self. This is not what God intended. He made me. He knows me…even the stuff in the dungeon. He created me for more and if I do not learn to open up and follow the scripture in James 5:16, I do not have much hope of becoming what He intended. Hiding out won’t cut it.
BUT, joyfully, I feel as though my flood gates have been opened and even though some of the things that are flooding out that I am experiencing and purging are really tough to go through, there is an amazing release and relief in what I am working through. Hence the healing mentioned in James. And I don’t expect that this is a one-time thing. Logic leads me to believe that this confession, this vulnerable and exposed sharing is something that must be done on a continuing basis. And I know I have so much more to purge. I guess that is an on-going need. Otherwise I will find myself in the same place I did before. I don’t want that.
I am not sure why I share this here. Not sure if it just helps me to write the process out or if I hope that someone else will relate or if I think that someone else may have a shared struggle. I'm not sure what the point is, not that it has to have a point. It is on my heart, so I write. But I thank you for reading, commenting, calling, emailing, etc… It is great to know that even if I am a complete freak…which I just might be, that I have great friends, supporters and encouragers even so.
2 comments:
First of all...you are NOT a freak. You are very courageous in that you have allowed God to use someone in your life to help you unlock those unpleasantries and confess them.
God has also used YOU (more than you realize) in the midst of your "reconstruction" to offer up the same challenge to your friends and readers.
So...THANK YOU my friend!!!
Here's a warning; if you don't stay out of that Book, you WILL become a "freak!" Just like your Savior. You will become a victor, a champion, someone who is able to bear unbearable burdens for others, someone God will use. And in the end, you WILL receive a crown of glory, and a lifetime with God. So, maybe becoming a "freak" ain't so bad after all. Freak on!
Post a Comment