My Disease

I have a disease. I do not talk about it. But I am going to write about it because writing is therapeutic for me. I am beginning to win the battle with this disease. God is the ultimate healer. The master physician. There are illnesses, diseases and disorders that people say there is NO CURE for. But God continues to prove them wrong. I believe in healing, because I believe in a God who has more power than the human brain can fathom. More power than science. More power than illness and disease.


OK, well the disease I am referring to isn't what you may think. I am not going to share with you physical ailments. What I am sharing with you is the disease I have had for many years to please people. And it is an illness. The "disease to please". It is SICK. It truly is SICK! It seems harmless on the surface. Most people-pleasers are wonderful people, with BIG hearts. Most people like the people-pleasers that they know. The biggest problem at least for me with this disease is when I change ME to please someone else. When I change who God designed me to be. When I attempt to go against my wiring or when I go against something God has placed in my heart. I'd like to say I haven't done that. I'd like to say, I have always held fast to WHO GOD MADE ME TO BE. But I haven't always. I have sacrificed those things in order to keep or make other people happy and content. And that is WRONG.

Part of what occurred over the weekend that I shared in my previous post is even related to this issue. Part of why I haven't opened up and shared and confessed my sinful issues and struggles to other people is a part of me not wanting to let others down. And in my twisted little mind, if they hear the real things about me, they'd be disappointed, some even might be hurt. I can't have that, right?! So, I go along, closed up yet suffocating on the inside.

I feel as though I have been in serious therapy lately, but I haven't seen a therapist, exactly. There are some things that God is revealing to me both through scripture AND through people in my life. I have done far better over the last few years about the people pleasing issue, BUT, after some soul-searching and some brutal honesty with myself and reviewing events that have occurred, I have seen much deeper into Carlotta. Deeper than I have in a very long time. And I see much more work is required. And there are some issues I WILL BE addressing. Deep ones. Personal ones. Painful ones. Healing ones.

I do not want to be a people-pleaser anymore. And certainly not at the expense of who God created me to be. Honestly, I have done that. I cannot continue. This doesn't mean I am going to be a mean, hurtful, person who doesn't care about others and their needs. But I have marauded around at many times being someone that someone else wanted/expected me to be...NOT who I am inside and NOT in the ways I am wired. And that is dishonest and wrong.

God does use US to help and heal each other. It has been directly in response to the people in my life that so many things are being revealed to me and changed within me. I am being challenged, changed, pulled open, and exposed. And for me, that is a very good thing. Don't get me wrong it isn't all sunshine and rainbows....it can be painful, but even sometimes the pain is a much needed release. Does that sound odd to you? Pain-being a good thing to experience? It does to me. It is foreign to me. I have worked so hard to not deal with pain and to protect others from pain...even when doing so has been a catastrophic mistake. I do not want to do that anymore. I want to live authentically, whether that is always a "pretty picture" or not. No longer avoiding the painful things. No longer skirting the unpleasantness. I know there are many of joyful times and experiences in my life, but I am realizing there is great progress to be made in dealing with and facing and even experiencing the ugly and painful parts of Carlotta too. I do not want to hide out anymore. I am going to face my diseases and deal with them. All of them. Knowing that no matter what they are...they can be healed bringing God the glory.

Thank you God, for the people in my world. I am so blessed. You use them to change me, bless me, and open my eyes--sometimes when they don't even realize it. I am not perfect. I am not always OK. I need to free myself by sharing my pain and confessing what needs to be confessed and shared in order to receive that healing and release I so desperately need and want. I need to free Carlotta to be Carlotta, not what anyone else expects me to be. I need to stop avoiding...and avoiding...and avoiding. Thank you for placing people in my life who love me enough to be used by you to reach me deeply. Thank you for placing the desire within them to continue chipping away at the walls around me. I am blessed.