Say Anything

Therefore, confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed.

-James 5:16

Confession. It's been fairly easy for me to do with God. Probably because it is no NEW news to Him what I have done or thought. He is totally aware. He knows I keep sinning. He knows I sin every single day. Some in small ways (in "human" terms) and some in BIG ways. I sin every day. And I hate it. He knows I hate it. I hate that I mess up. I hate that I say I won't do something again and then I do it...again. I hate to ask for more grace and more forgiveness. When will it be enough? When will it be over? Ever? Well, eventually it will be...but there will not be a day that I am walking this earth that I do not need His grace and forgiveness. And I truly hate that. I expect so much of myself and in contrast to that I really don't live up to much of those high expectations. I am SO human. I am fatally human.

The scripture at the top of this post, isn't talking about confessing to God. While that certainly needs to happen as well, this verse talks about confessing our sins to each other. Ummm, BIG problem for me. BIG BIG problem for me. Why? What could a nice Christian girl like me have in her life that could be so bad? Plenty, trust me. I am no more immune to sin than any one else. Some things I used to struggle with...I do not struggle with anymore. Praise GOD! Some I have struggled with for years. Some sins are new to me in this time in my life. Yet, sin is sin. It is something every single person participates in. We all sin and fall short of the glory of God. DUH! But how would confessing any of my specifics to another person be of any good? There are details of my life that I do not want to burden others with and some that are painful to admit to. There are sins that are ugly and petty that I do not want to even speak of them. There are sins that I don't believe others could handle knowing. Isn't it enough that God knows them?? Why expose yourself like that to someone else? I am much too private for that. Why does it say to confess our sins to each other? And why is that SO hard for me to do? I am not perfect. I never ever claim to be. Yet, I don't want to be specific about any of it with another person. Not with you guys. Not with my coworkers. Not with my friends. Not with anyone. Or so I thought.... I thought that the shame and the ugliness of it was too much to open up and expose to another person. At least that is what I thought.

Well, I learned a little something (or a big something) about that yesterday. I have a very dear friend whom I treasure deeply. One who is real, genuine, and persistent enough with me that I cannot escape their efforts to open me up. I like that. Anyone who knows me well, knows that I guard my personal "stuff" behind steel and granite walls. Truly I do. I can share my heart. My troubles at work or with love or with this or that. BUT...the ugly stuff gets locked away in places I only open for God...and even then sometimes reluctantly. Yet, for the first time---maybe ever, I was "encouraged/persuaded" to confess some of the things I deal with specifically as far as my sinful nature. I didn't understand why. I didn't understand why they would even want to know. I didn't want to SAY the words. But I am so thankful and grateful that I did. The truth is, it was a bit cathartic. NO that is not right....it was very cathartic. Why did it create a purging, releasing, renewing effect for me? Why was I so scared to have someone else...another HUMAN BEING...hear the words...and truly KNOW me. The real ME that I hide from everyone else. The part of me that I do not like. BUT everyone needs to have another human being with whom they can let down ALL guards and it be OK. That someone that you can SAY ANYTHING to and they don't run away in horror. Someone who gets it. Someone who gets you. Someone who understands and even when they don't relate exactly they still have that knowing spirit of "I get it, I get you, I understand the turbulent waters. I struggle too. YOU ARE NOT ALONE." Yesterday I shared only the tip of my ugly iceberg, but to my surprise it was a great thing. In the middle of a crazy, messed up situation--exposing and confessing to another person: my sins, my shame, my ugliness was VERY healing. I don't know why or how, but it was a balm to my soul that I don't know that I have ever experienced. Perhaps that is part of why in the book of James it tell us to do this. He didn't say to shout our sins from the rooftops. He didn't say tell everyone we know. But he did say to confess them to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. Healed of what? Healed how? It didn't say. But I can tell you, even though it was just a first-step...a first-time...an unsteady, shaky, and probably a little awkward first-time for me to do this....my soul feels a comfort and a healing that I didn't expect to come out of that situation and circumstance. God loves me, accepts me, forgives me and draws me close...and sometimes I cannot get my brain around all of that. But there is a different kind of healing in sharing the human experience even in its ugliest state with another person whom you trust. As many words as I write and use...I cannot find the words for how this felt and how it helped my spirit. But it was very needed in my life. And I hope I can go back to that well for its refreshment to my troubled soul.

I will not speak so openly and bluntly with most people. Probably not with anyone else....not on that level and I really only scratched the surface yesterday. But I've always believed that every person should have that one person with whom they can share WHATEVER it may be that plagues them. Whatever it may be haunting them. Whatever it may be casting darkness into their world. But I have never been brave enough or open enough to expose those things of mine to another human being. God yes...but no one else. For some it is their spouse...should be if you are married I believe. For some it is a trusted Christian friend. For some it may be a pastor. For some it may be a parent. But confessing my sins and struggles and shameful moments to another struggling soul was surprisingly helpful for me. For the first time I can remember...I feel real. I don't feel like a fake or a fraud or an impostor. I feel honest. And all of that from just exposing the tip of my iceberg.

There is wisdom in James 5:16. Not at all surprising coming directly from God's Word. But as in all things of this nature, be wise, use discernment and discretion with whom you bare your soul and your struggles. Not everyone wants to hear those things. Not everyone can handle knowing those things. Not everyone wants that level of intimacy. KNOW the boundaries. Some can handle it. Some cannot.

For those of you with those amazing relationships in your life where you can SAY ANYTHING, rejoice and thank God for blessing you with that person or people. That kind of thing, I learned yesterday is absolutely priceless. If you do not have that person, pray about it and for it. Don't have them in your life for years only to be too scared to reveal yourself. Don't live like I have. Under lock and key, never baring your true reality and seeking understanding and prayers from another trusted soul. Listen to the scripture in James. Do what it says. Confess your sins...certainly to God, but to each other as well. Pray for each other. In so doing these things you will find a healing--a balm to your spirit.

SAY ANYTHING...more than a great movie with a great song (one of my MOST favorites). Confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. SAY ANYTHING.