Not Your Happiness But Your Holiness

Relationships require work. It doesn't matter if it is with God, your best friend, your parent, your spouse, your child, or your coworker or boss. All of them require some level of work in order to maintain them and to help them grow. The term work in regards to a relationship creates a negative connotation in some people's minds . So I will use the word "effort", even though I don't think anyone should shy away from work. It is fantasy-minded to believe that relationships that are good shouldn't require effort (or work). Anyone who believes that is going to be disillusioned and thus disappointed with relationships all of their life. ALL relationships require ongoing effort and maintenance to keep them afloat, healthy, and growing. Even the best and greatest romances have required significant effort. They do not "just happen".

Once we understand this and accept it, our relationships can be significantly better. And even more so if we are in a relationship with someone else who "gets it". You have to care enough about the other person though, in order to be able to make the efforts and take the time to nurture a relationship with them. That's where many of us fail. Selfishness isn't conducive to this process. We must be able to get beyond ourselves first and reach out to those in our lives. Sometimes, for all of us, it isn't easy or in our nature. But that's where God comes in. He is able to do all that we are unable to do. For Christians, He lives IN us and He can do far beyond anything we ask or imagine. He can get us beyond our selfish nature. He can help us show compassion when we feel none. He can help us relate to those we do not understand.

I have had people in my life that I just didn't understand. I didn't know why they took some things in ways I just didn't mean them. Or they were hyper-sensitive about things I thought were just silly. Or they had views or opinions that were just "way off" from mine. I understand having people that are very different relationally than I am. Maintaining and growing those relationships can be challenging. On my own, I will create wrecks of them...and I have. But with God, they can be beautiful and blessed relationships. I have one with a coworker of mine that I just thought I COULD NOT deal with. God has done what I could not do. He created understanding and compassion where I had NONE. He created a great relationship where I felt there was none to be had. That's the great thing about God being IN me. I have to say over and over, "I CANNOT DO THIS...but GOD CAN". And the truth is...HE CAN. I fall short in every relationship I am in. I just do. As a parent. As a daughter. As a sister. As a friend. As a coworker. As a child of The King. In all of my relationships. I always will fall short on my own. But when I admit that I am not enough and I allow Him to work THROUGH me, my relationships flourish. Even with those people that, on my own, I don't understand at all and I don't know how to relate to....I can do it WELL, because God who lives IN me.

This doesn't mean that I will always do things perfectly or even well. I still flounder around from time to time and try to handle things on my own. At those times I hurt people. I mis-speak. I don't do what I should do and I do do what I shouldn't do. I am imperfect and sometimes I try to do these things on my own. And I fail miserably. We all do. But God is gracious there too. He can help us regroup and get back on the right foot with the people in our lives that we care about. That's just a part of life and of relating to other people. They will hurt you, and you will hurt them. It's a fact. It's inevitable in life. But that's where GRACE comes in! Surround yourself with gracious people and ask God to grant you out-of-control graciousness as well. He will. It takes three to have a wonderful and growing relationship. THREE. You, the other person, and God. But when He gets involved it is SO worth it.

Don't cower away from amazing relationship potential because you don't feel that you can maintain them. Don't get me wrong, there are times when the other person is not morally or spiritually healthy enough to be in deep relationship with at that time. No one HAS to be in relationship with everyone else they know or meet. That's not possible or recommended. Be wise in choosing relationships. But always get in there with those you care for and those you respect, and especially those who cause growth in your life. Sometimes the most challenging relationships are the ones that cause us the most growth and most fulfillment. I heard my pastor say one time about marriage; "...it is not just about your happiness but your holiness". I think that can be said of most relationships. Growing them, maintaining them, and nurturing them can cause so much spiritual growth because you have to get OUTSIDE of yourself...that's where holiness begins! Don't bow out because you think you are not strong enough, deserving enough, good enough, or you are afraid of the effort. God can do what you cannot. He can be what you are not! He can and He is in you. Go for it. It's not about your happiness but your holiness. WOW.

(I also found that the subtitle of Gary Chapman's book Sacred Marriage says: What if God designed marriage more to make us holy than to make us happy? I haven't read the book at this point but it seems like a concept worth exploring.)