Action Verbs

God gives. God takes. God's name be ever blessed...
Job 1:21

I would like to understand the WHYS of this life. I really would. I struggle with them A LOT. I don't always understand WHY. Yet, not all things are for me to understand. That is something we (I) must learn to accept. The concept is called faith. For me, faith is not just believing in things unseen. It is accepting that which I simply cannot understand. God gives. Easy to understand and accept. God takes. Harder to grasp. But in all things even those which I don't understand and those which I simply don't like at all...trust and faith are critical. I know that there are lessons, protection, and grand orchestration of all things that God is the center of. I simply cannot understand it all. But I trust that in all things such as these that His view and His plan are FAR superior to mine. That alone sometimes is all that will bring me peace.

Lord help me to not spin and wrestle with all of the things that I don't like, that don't seem right or fair or just, the things that I simply DO NOT UNDERSTAND. Grant me peace and remind me of your infinite wisdom and love for me.

Trust and faith are daily activities for me. They are verbs in my life...not nouns, but action verbs. They are not "givens". They are intentional. They are something I have to wake up and DO. It is not second-nature. Still. I am still God's work in progress.

God gives. God takes. Whether my understanding can grasp it or not. But may I always trust in Him and His wisdom and bless His name forever and ever.

Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding.
Proverbs 3:5

Yoger and other fun stuff...

(Thank you guys for asking me about running and holding me accountable, please don't quit...I appreciate the calls, emails etc...) Ok, so my challenge of running regulary has been hampered by a crazy schedule at work over the last couple of weeks and for at least the next full week as well. Couple that with the stifling Texas heat and I have not been running much. At best I have been walking...with the kiddo. BUT.... you know there's always a "BUT", right?!?!?

BUT, I found something to fill in the gaps. Woo Hoo!! Something I can do in the air-conditioned comfort of my home, ahhhhhhh! I got a Pilate's chair. And believe it or not....it is not a medieval torture device like most exercise machines and pieces of workout equipment seem to be to me. I got it Friday and have got on it and worked out with it several times already. Some days I did it two or three times a day. I love it. It is something I really look forward to doing. And in the three days I have had it...I can already SEE some small changes in my body. Especially my legs. There is already some definition in places where I haven't seen definition in over two years. VERY COOL. I am thinking that if I can SEE results in three days, how much more can this little machine do for me if I continue using it regularly? AND when the heat of the summer lets up a little and I get out and run on opposite days--what a great program I will have going! I am really enjoying my re-commitment to rebuilding and changing my body back to the strong, healthy machine that God designed it to be. My daughter and I have been exercising together in the evenings. It's hilarious to watch her copy what I do...in a way that only a silly two year old can. We get down in the floor together and stretch, do push ups, crunches, etc...and we do lots of yoga poses and movements. She loves it. She says we exercise and do "yoger". So while running may be a taking a bit of a backseat right now...I haven't given up on it and certainly not on the main goal. Lean and mean. And despite all of the craziness in my schedule lately and the evil heat outside...things are coming along quite nicely. I still love my new shoes. I've worn them a lot already. Just looking forward to when the weather lets up this fall and I can run more faithfully without having a heat stroke. But until then, I will have to take opportunities when and where I can to run and continue to supplement my process with the Pilate's chair and my floor-exercise-fun with my hilarious little side-kick.

So, it is not going as planned, but the plan can and has changed slightly. So far I have really enjoyed it. Spending time with my angel, both of us doing things that are healthy and fun--and doing it together has been awesome. (She loves the Pilate's machine...she gets on it and she loves to watch me on it...in fact last night she got a little mad when I had finished my workout and stopped for the night...She kept trying to push me back over to it. It was funny. "Do again, do again mommy!")

Getting in shape and reinforcing the concept of health and fitness with my daughter is a great thing. We are having a grand time together. I need to do before and after pics of my progress...so I can see how much changes. Not that I would let anyone else see them. But I think it would be fun!

Converting a Control Freak

Can it be done???

I heard the quote today that "it is not the things that we did do that we regret so much as the things we didn't do but should have." I have plenty of things in my life that I do regret doing--we all do. But in contrast, my biggest regrets are the things I simply didn't do/wouldn't do. The things I thought I was too weak to do. The things I was too afraid to say. The things that I didn't have enough faith to step out and attempt. The things I was too fearful to stand up for. The things that I knew that I simply couldn't do or put off until it was too late to do them. That is something God is working out in me. It has been a recurring theme in my life lately. I can't seem to escape it. And as I usually do, I share with you guys (whoever you all may be) what I am learning or going through because I know that many of us have the same struggles and battles and sometimes we don't realize or believe that others may be dealing with them too.

I do not want to look back on my life and know that God placed something in my path or in my heart and that I didn't follow through on because of my lack of ability or my lack of faith/trust. The problem with me is that sometimes I focus way too much on ME. I have failed before and I constantly remind myself of those failings. I relive them over and over in my mind--only to push myself further and further down. I have failed so miserably on so many occasions. I have crashed and burned in SO many areas of my life. I have been blinded by those things. I have USED those failures to hold myself back the next time something else comes along. I fear failing AGAIN. It is one of my biggest fears. It has paralyzed me at times. But on some occasions, I have really pumped myself up and reinforced within myself that 'I am able, I am capable, I can do this!!!!' and when I do that I get all bold and brave and I jump...and fail. Then I look up from the ground where I lay bleeding, thinking, "What the heck happened???" "Why didn't that work? Why didn't God bless me? Why didn't God make that happen the way it should have?" Well, if you looked at what I said before, those attempts have been MY attempts, MY risks, MY efforts. I never said, "God I know that YOU can do this, God YOU are able, YOU are capable and I trust in YOU, not ME." Many many times, I put it all on me and expect God to be the back-up. Does that sound as wrong to you as it does to me??? Use God as BACK-UP?! MOST TIMES those things didn't go well for me. Why can't I get the focus off of me? On my own...I will most times fail. I am just not that good. I am not that capable. I am not that strong, wise, or able. I know this full well. But when I enlist my Father, FULLY, those challenges can be met and won beautifully, bringing blessing to Him, to others and to me...but only because it is Him--not me and the glory should go to Him not me, so that I do not boast that it was me.

Yesterday, a challenge arose for me. I had a moment in a meeting where I knew I needed to speak up and take a risk. It was something I had been internally battling for quite some time. However, I didn't think it was "in MY best interest" for me to speak up. I thought it was too risky. I feared what others would think of me. But it was something that had been burning in my heart, kept me from sleeping, something I couldn't mentally leave alone. So, prodded by God I believe, I took a deep breath asked God to do it for me but through me) and in a big meeting I opened my big mouth and let the words come. I exposed that struggle, my heart, my concerns, my lack of understanding, and my related disapproval of some things I was seeing in ministry. Since I work in ministry, I felt that voicing all of that was quite risky for me among my peers, my boss, and for my employment in general....which is part of why I battled it so long. God is funny about not letting you escape something He wants you to learn and work through and grow from. I couldn't get rid of these concerns and struggles. He knew that. He placed them there. He also has been begging me to trust Him, to let go of being in control, to let Him handle my life, to jump off the symbolic cliffs of risk when He brings me to them...not relying on my own abilities or track record (because they will not hold me up), but relying on HIS abilities and track record, knowing that I can soar on HIS wings, but certainly not mine.

He taught me a lot yesterday. Trusting Him and speaking up in spite of the perceived risk brought a wonderful conversation to life. I was changed and my viewpoint was greatly shifted. I was greatly helped and so were others because I trusted Him to speak through me and to use me. In so doing, I grew!

He's really bringing some amazing things to life in and around me. He's teaching me to see through a different scope. He's showing me that my view and vision is flawed and tainted by my weaknesses and my past failures. He's teaching me how to see things and to see possibilities and hope for change through HIS power, not my insistence on being in control.

What is He working on in YOU? Care to share?

Help me!

Guys, this is a cry for help!

OK, perhaps, not so much a cry for help as a cry for accountability. I figure that if I post my plans here, for the whole world to see, maybe some of you, who actually care for me personally will hold me accountable for the statement I am about to make. I hesitate to do this...because stating it, puts it out there. And then expectations are created. But that's the point of accountability, right guys?

So here I go.... Requesting accountability...on purpose no less. LOL

As many of you who know me personally know...I "used to be" a runner. But the thing about running is...once you've been a runner, it gets in your blood. I grew up running track from a VERY early age. Several years ago, my house was just across the street from a brand new (at the time) local high school. My friend Jennifer and I would go and run at the track in the evenings together. I loved it. Most of the time. It's a love/hate kind of thing...especially during a Texas summer. But the truth is...I got out of it when I moved away from that house. Then I had my daughter and then....and then...and then... For several years now, I have made excuses. Good ones I might add, but excuses nonetheless. I want to start running again. I want my body to be truly healthy again. Not that I am unhealthy by any means (especially since I got those evil tonsils out of my body!! LOL) But healthy and fit, strong and lean. I want that again. So, what did I do? I went to a local store that specifically caters to the running population and I got a great pair of running shoes. The people in this store were incredible. They watched how I walk, they watched how I run, they examined my feet and how they function. They found a pair of shoes that works really well for ME. And even though they were significantly more expensive than I would normally pay for a pair of shoes...I bought them. JOYFULLY actually. They are an investment... but my point in telling you guys this is not just random information for you about my shopping purchases...it is for accountability.

You see, if I make grand plans for my life and yet don't tell anyone...who's to know if I just throw in the towel? Who's to know if I simply quit? I am wired to care more, much MORE, if I have opened my big mouth and told someone my plans. It creates a desire to not let someone down. To not allow someone to think I am a quitter. To not let myself down. Does that make sense to anyone else?

There you have it. I am going to start running again. I am going to make GREAT use of the high-dollar running shoes that I purchased. I am going to make the trek back to being FIT! Please encourage me and hold me accountable, if/when you think about it. I sure would appreciate it!

Hugs to you all!

The End of an Addiction?

Do you have any addictions? I use that term very loosely and playfully in this post.... (I don't mean substance abuse, sex, gambling or any/all of the actual addictions, please forgive me if my playful use of the word addiction offends anyone, I just couldn't think of another word that would suffice) What I really mean is do you have certain things that are recurring weaknesses for you? Something that perhaps you do too much of, or buy too much of, or spend too much time or money on or thinking about? I know there are people with many different things that vie for their money, time, and attention. (chocolate, blogging, shopping, Starbucks, work, office-supplies etc...)

One of my biggest addictions is buying Bibles. It's nuts. I love Bibles. I love different translations. I love study Bibles. I love parallel Bibles. I love devotional Bibles. I love Bibles geared towards women. I love BIBLES. I have big ones, paperback ones, check-book sized ones, leather ones, hard-bound ones, ones with pretty covers, ones I have had since I was a young child, ones I have had for less than a week. What does one person need with so many Bibles? (I suppose there could be worse things than having Bible-addiction. LOL.) I finally found a Bible that I think is the right "fit" for me. Does that even make sense to anyone else? It is a journaling Bible. It has a soft leather cover with a long thin leather strap that you wrap around it to keep it closed. It is very comfortable and unpretentious, but unique nonetheless. It is the inside that I like most of all (kind of the point huh?). It isn't in my favorite translation, but that is OK. I like the margins. No, I love the margins. They are big and lined. PLENTY of room for me to take notes and to journal. I've never seen this Bible anywhere except this one little Christian store....and in my mind it was WAY over-priced...but then, in my mind, lots of things are. Every time I went in this store, I looked at this Bible. I wanted it. There was something about it that appealed to me in a way that was different that all of the other Bibles I already have or have seen. But I have talked myself out of it for about a year now. The other day I bought a book in this store and when I paid for it they gave me a $10.00 coupon for my next purchase. That plus a discount I already receive for working at a church, was just the incentive I needed to step out and buy that Bible. I DID IT. I bought it at the beginning of this week. I have already enjoyed it so much. I don't want to put it down. I want to continue reading it and writing in it, even when I need to be sleeping, or going back to work from lunch, or whatever. "I have hidden your word in my heart that I might not sin against you." Psalm 119:11 That's what I want. I know we cannot keep our heads tucked in a Bible all the time, we must be out sharing the Word with others. But I have never felt that I have spent enough time in the Word. I want it ingrained in my heart...etched into it!! This Bible has reignited my passion for God's Word and my study of it and change and growth because of it. I look forward to years and years of growth and journaling in this Bible. I have also made a commitment not to buy another for myself for a very long time!! I have all of them I could EVER possible need. In fact, I may send some of the ones that I do not use regularly to a ministry that sends them out into the world for those that do not have access to Bibles! They need to be USED and USED well.

Does anyone else have an addiction like mine of purchasing Bibles? If you have any fun ones or silly ones, share them with us. Don't be afraid. Just step up, state your name, and admit that you too have a problem. I certainly do. "Hi my name is Carlotta, and I buy Bibles..."

I LOVE LOVE!!

Max Lucado said, "Let God's love be enough for you. There are seasons when God allows us to feel the frailty of human love so we'll appreciate the strength of His."

I love that. There are all kinds of relational loves in our lives. Love between a man and a woman. Love between friends, family, fellow Christians, etc. And not a one of them is perfection. That's because we are all human, thus we tend to mess things up pretty regularly. But even when we are struggling with a mangled love between ourselves and any other human being...guess who is there, strong as ever? GOD. When our spouse says something that cuts us deeply and we don't understand their lack of tact and we question how they could be so hurtful (even when they don't see it)...God is there. He carries us through the spats and miscommunications with our mates. When our friend doesn't have time for us anymore because she has a new man in her life and it injures our heart...God is there. He is our constant friend and companion even when others lose sight of us. He is our pillar, our strength with love that never leaves, or fails, or injures. When our dad has never really been a real dad and has never seen the desperation we have for his love...God our Father is there with open and loving arms, strong enough to bear the burden of the deepest wounds. Sometimes, we see that the most clearly only when human love has failed us or has fallen short. I know that God would never cause any of those things to happen, but He does allow them and in so doing reveals the frailty of human love only to magnify the strength and depth of His perfect love.

I love LOVE. I really do. Love is an amazing gift. I SOOO love LOVE. All of it. I love love between a man and a woman. Parent and child. Friend and friend. Saved and lost. But especially the love my God has for me and the love I have for Him. Good grief...He is LOVE...

Is That a Broken Heart?

God is the ultimate healer. We are the ultimate wounded. We only need to admit that we are wounded and need to be healed and go to Him for it. But it only works if we go to Him. Sometimes, for many, that requires too much vulnerability. It is too hard to admit that we can't handle it ourselves. We have to check our pride at the door. Some simply refuse to do so. And they remain wounded...some are even bleeding to death on the inside.

As for me, I am healed. He's healed me of so many things. There are things over the years that I've brought to Him that I never thought could be healed...by anyone. (Silly me.) Most of the time, those things were matters of the heart---my biggest affliction. My biggest injuries and hurts in life have been directly tied to my heart. But God has healed my heart each time, not always on my time frame, but that's alright. Sometimes I have my heart so mangled that it takes quite some time for Him to work it all through. But He does it. I don't know how, but He does it. And He continues to not only heal me...but He continues to grow me stronger and deeper BECAUSE of those trials. Not only does He get me through it, He lifts me higher up each time. Pretty cool, if you ask me!

He got the opportunity to prove how thorough His healing truly is, this past weekend. His healing was tested...not on purpose, but tested nonetheless. What would have been potentially tricky for my heart in months past, turned out to not be scary, painful or traumatic, instead turned out to be healthy and fun and wonderful. It wasn't damaging and didn't rip my old wounds open. God healed me...fully. His handiwork was tested and proved. (Boy, does He love me!)

I have a necklace that is part of a line of Christian jewelry called Remember Me jewelry; it is a heart with a crooked line down the middle from the top to the bottom. It appears to be a broken heart. It isn't, though; it is a mended heart. A whole heart. It reminds the wearer (and those who ask about it), that God heals the broken hearted; He makes us whole again. That particular piece of jewelry is simply titled WHOLE. That's what He does with broken hearts and broken lives. Even when we've been ripped in two. I may still show the scar down the middle of my heart, but the scar helps me to remember how He has healed me and my heart.

I still love...and I love fully and very deeply. My heart doesn't know how to love without reckless abandon. But I like that about me. I really do. And I will stay that way until I take my last breath on this earth and I do not apologize for it. It is a part of how HE wired me. God can handle the healing, if needed. I trust Him with my heart.

Satan's Whispers

Have you ever damaged someone? It is hard to live through life without causing or receiving some damage. Many times---both. Sometimes we aren't even aware of damage that we inflict upon others. Yet, sometimes we are keenly aware. There are people that I have severely damaged. They aren't "in my life" anymore. That's how it often times goes when "significant" damage is done. It was not intentional. Even on my worst day...I would never intentionally hurt anyone. It's not in my nature. Even so, years ago, my selfish actions wreaked havoc on others. Those situations arose from my selfishness and out of my own damage. (It can be a vicious cycle.)

I recently heard about one of those people. Apparently their life isn't going well. My first instinct is to take the blame...thinking it is all about ME. Ha! (Talk about self-focused.) But then I took a step back, and I realized those thoughts were foolish. Satan wants me to feel responsible above and beyond what I am responsible for. Especially if it will hurt me and bind me up in guilt. I know that some of the hurt I caused may have spawned from damage done to me done by others...but I alone am responsible for my actions. I alone made those damaging choices. The original parties that hurt me WERE NOT RESPONSIBLE for MY choices and decisions to follow. We cannot pass the buck that way. Thus, I am not responsible for other's life choices, even after damage I may have caused. Each individual walking this earth is responsible for their own choices. But Satan would love for me to feel as though I were solely responsible. You see, he likes that chain to go unbroken.

I too have been damaged since those instances. Quite deeply. Yet, I choose to break the cycle each time it occurs. I refuse to hold anyone else responsible for my life or my choices going forward. The only one responsible for me is ME. I don't play the blame card as an excuse. I also release those people in forgiveness and grace. They need it and so do I. Not doing so causes further damage. I also don't carry around burdens that do not belong to me. I apologized profusely to those I that I had hurt, from a truly sorrowful heart. Some graciously granted me undeserved forgiveness. I repented of those behaviors and turned away from them once and for all. I know God has fully forgiven me. And so I moved on, wiser and less selfish in my actions, and aware of the ways that Satan will use my past to try to weigh me down. He tried recently to convince me that I am somehow responsible for decisions someone else is currently making several YEARS since I last spoke to them. I momentarily fell for it. I took all responsibility on my shoulders and became horribly saddened and guilt-ridden. But only for a moment. Then the Holy Spirit smacked me upside the head with reality. I am no more responsible for them than those who've hurt me are responsible for me. It just doesn't work that way, no matter how convenient an "OUT" that can be.

I don't know why I am sharing this with you , other than hoping that it will help you see too, the sneaky little ways Satan will come at us...even using our tender hearts against us. You may not have circumstances such as this. But you have others--other ways Satan will sneak up and blindside you. Be watchful of him. He is loose in our world and is wreaking havoc everywhere he goes. Open your eyes and ears to God's Spirit. He will guide you and your heart to wisdom and peace. Even to those of us like me, who least deserve it but are SO thankful for it!

Run Baby Run!

So many times I hear life and spirituality referred to as a race. I tend to like that. I come from a competitive, track and field background. So I relate well to those types of analogies. (And don't mistake the word race for being in a hurry per say....)

Who are you (we) racing against? Each other? No. I see it a few different ways.... Such as: Running away from sin, Satan, temptations, etc... OR: Running towards forgiveness, trust, faith, Christ and our eternity with Him. But in order to win a race you have to be properly equipped, in shape, and prepared. No exception here either.

Yet, I've noticed some racers who don't seem to understand the dynamics of racing. You have to be focused on your goal. You have to keep your mind and eyes on the finish line. You have to be light on your feet. Most racers wear extremely light weight clothing. Lycra, spandex, etc... You don't ever see one tromping around the track in a heavy sweater, denim jeans, and steel toed boots. Those things would impede their mobility and their speed. They would be totally weighed down. Yet, I see people dragging all kinds of things with them in their race. Things like: feelings of unworthiness, shame, guilt, past mistakes and pain etc... You name it; people are dragging it around with them. What's even more crazy is that in this race, the more people we can help to make it to the finish line with us, the better. Yet, how are we to lend a hand or help a fallen racer if our arms are full of the extremely heavy weights that we carry with us? We can't win the race ourselves like that and we surely can't help anyone else in our weighed-down condition. Doesn't make much sense, but I see it every single day.

If we want to be successful in our race (toward eternal life with Christ) then we should take a look at what we might be dragging around with us, that we absolutely do not need. Look for those things that are slowing you down, the things that are keeping you from helping others too. Then what??? Toss them behind you to that guy who is right on your heels. Not another racer... No I am talking about that guy directly behind you... you see him? He's close. Close enough to breathe down your neck. His name is Satan...and believe me he is there. Plus, he probably gave those heavy things to you in the first place. And I'd bet if you toss them back to him, you will be freed up to make some real strides in getting further and further away from him and his attempts to stall you. Think about it. It makes some sense. Think of God as your coach and His word as your water/Gatorade and training guide. Trust Him. Believe what He says about you. He is what you should be wearing--the clothing that moves with you and keeps you light on your feet. He is all you need. Don't stay weighed down with Satan, eventually tiring out and unable to finish. He will continue throwing things at you for you to carry, to keep you from helping others too.... No one says you have to catch anything that monster throws at you. Keep your head forward and run for your life. He will throw things the whole way and they will fall to the ground behind you and the only one tripping over them will be him. And if you keep your head facing forward, you will never see the stuff he's trying to throw at you in the first place. We don't start trying to catch that stuff until we start looking back.

That's the first thing my track coach taught me. DO NOT LOOK BACK. It slows you down, it distracts you, and it takes extra muscles and extra effort. It will cause you to lose ground.

How right Coach Abrams was. Think about it. Especially when you realize who it is running right behind you. Keep your eyes on God and lighten your load. Let go of your burdens. Trust in God and RUN BABY RUN!!! And tell all the other racers you see along the way. Help them too, you are on the same team after all!

Smothering Desperation

I have recently watched someone devastated by the ending of a relationship. (I've been there too. Perhaps you have as well.) It's hard to watch, especially when you can see it coming. I am certainly not able to see the future, but there are some things you can see coming from a mile away. I wonder if others saw it coming for me when it happened to me in my past. Not that it matters. That's not really my point here either.

I guess the point or question is, how do you keep from making another person SO critical in your life that you are utterly devastated if they leave your life? Do we just work really hard to keep people at bay? Do we build up walls? Do we never open up to anyone else? People should never be the number one priority in our lives because that is God's sacred position, I get that...but how do we deeply love another person without that competing with God's position? People get so intertwined with others so easily and so quickly that if the relationship ends they become devastated empty shells. I've been there and done it myself. More than once. Yet, we don't want to be jaded or so guarded that we are not able to let someone in deeply for fear of eventually losing them somehow. And how do we balance earthly love and never let that take the ultimate priority? It's tough for some people. It is tough for the young woman I watched recently get the breath knocked out of her when her boyfriend ended their relationship. She is one of those who so badly wants a husband that she smothers and nearly suffocates the people she dates. They eventually leave her because of that deep neediness and she is again left bewildered and hurting. I sometimes wonder if she would truly place God in that "be all end all" role, if dating would go more smoothly for her. From my perspective, it seems it would greatly help! Perhaps she wouldn't be so desperate for love, attention, and companionship, because she would get those things from God first and she wouldn't be beyond empty when the next guy comes along.

It made me sad to hear of this girl's situation, again. I see my "past-self" in her. It is hard to watch, knowing that I have been that girl too, many times! Since my last debacle in love last year I've worked very hard and have made sure to put God in His rightful position and that really helps to put all other things into proper perspective. Yes, things and people still hurt me and life still has its stings, but it truly changes the devastation levels when you know God loves you and that He will always take great care of you, no matter who comes and goes from your life. It keeps you from suffocating others. It keeps the desperation for love and companionship from consuming you. It keeps you from clinging to others for your happiness and for life. It creates healthier happier relationships in all aspects of life. I wish I had seen that in my past and I wish this lovely young woman who is so hurting right now could see it too. Smothering others and clinging to them for dear life will never work. It will never fill us up. No person on earth ever will. Once we leave that to God, relationships can then become AMAZING, FULFILLING, AND BEAUTIFUL.

Dear God, please comfort my friend who shall remain nameless here. You know who she is. You know her heart. You know her pain. You know her needs. I pray she turns ALL of her heart to you. I pray she sees her desperation and her habit of seeking her life fulfillment in earthly relationships. I pray she finds her earthly love once she fills her heart up with you first. I pray she finds great comfort in you and in those around her who care for her and want the best for her. Guard her heart going forward, but never let it become hardened to love. You designed us for relationship, let her find it in you AND in the man you designed just for her...in your perfect time. I bring this to you in the name of your Son, Jesus. Amen!

LIFE IS GOOD

In my previous post I mentioned several circumstances in my life that I am working through. There are about a handful of them right now. But that's normal in life right? Well, it seems that way for me. But that's alright. I am not distressed by them, just uncomfortable. And that's not necessarily a bad thing. So please, know that I am OK. I just want to work through these decisions and choices wisely. And I feel that I am. Also, I appreciate the concern, calls, emails, etc... I have received as well as the prayers. You guys are awesome.

In fact one of the circumstances worked itself out quite nicely and quite quickly. So, one down!! I like that.

Life is good. I am happy. I am blessed. Choices and options are a wonderful thing. I can't complain. I want to handle them with care and wisdom. And I am doing that, carefully and methodically and in God's care. Life is truly good, because He is so good.

What Happened To My Map?

The unknown is something that I've said here before that I truly dislike. I mean that mostly in regards to my life personally. It is human nature to have a plan and to like knowing where things are heading. I don't particularly like big gaps or unexpected detours on my road map. I like surprises, truly, a good surprise-party, or an unexpected admirer or something like that is OK. But what I don't like is the unknown: Having a road mapped out in your mind only to find that when you get a quarter of the way into your journey you find that your road led you to a huge chasm and on the other side of the chasm isn't simply the other side of your road. Instead you see forty-seven roads to choose from...or you see no road at all. I have a few of those situations in my life right at this very moment.

I don't like that--at all. You see, not only do you have forty-seven choices to work through...or NONE...you also have to figure out how to get across the chasm to make those choices or where to go if you have to turn back. I have a road in my life that I feel has led me to a chasm with no options on the other side. I also have a few roads that have led me to many other choices or options that I wasn't necessarily prepared to make and I also have to work on how to get over the chasm to make those choices. So...

What to do? What to do? I like choices and options and I am blessed to have them in the certain areas of life. I know this. BUT, I don't take life-decisions lightly...and these are life-decisions. These are not "what do I want to eat for dinner," or, "what am I going to wear today," decisions. They are critical. That creates a lot of pressure within me. And it is pressure that is only coming from within me. No person or situation is creating that pressure; it is internal.

So here I am staring at the unknown--the chasms in my life. Prayer, thought, wisdom, and time are needed to successfully maneuver through these places on my map that I never saw when I was initially plotting my journey. (sigh)

I know I am not alone. I have God!!! I also have an amazing family, many wonderful and insightful friends, and so much more. But truly when the choices have to be made...I alone make them. I continue to ask for your prayers, your encouragement and patience with me. This has been an incredibly blessed journey so far and I know the rest of the way will be too. I just can't see where the road is taking me in so many areas of my life and I remain...unsettled. The unknown continues to unsettle me and I don't like that, but I will not be paralyzed by it. I refuse to look at these choices and freeze with indecision. They are certainly not bigger than me. They do not tower over me. They will be overcome with purposeful intent backed by wisdom and desire to serve God fully in every single area of my life.

Please pray for me and know that I immensely appreciate it!!!

Competing for my heart...

Can anything compete with God? I mean nothing is bigger, stronger, wiser, more powerful than God right? God, Jesus, and the Holy Spirit. ONE. The trinity. The ultimate. Nothing can conquer God. Nothing at all.

Yet there are things in our lives that compete with God...and WIN. Not because God can't overcome them, but because we allow them to take precedence over Him in our lives. It happens all the time. Even to wonderful, faithful, Christian people. It happens to me.

What is competing with God in your life? Is it your career? Is it the "love of your life"? Your home, your car, your family, your friends? Money? What is it that takes up most of the space in your thoughts throughout your day? Gas prices? Ha!

God wants to be everything to you. I hear people who constantly talk about this or that thing ALL the time. What you spend the most time doing, the most time thinking about, and the most time talking about really reveals what takes the highest position in your life. What we talk about most is very revealing. From the overflow of the heart, the mouth speaks. What is it that you talk most about? Yourself? Your girlfriend? Your job? Your kid? Food? Your body? What is it?

I know we cannot be fully functioning human beings if we do not speak of anything other than God. I know we have to think about accounting if that is our job. We have to be focused when helping our children with schoolwork. We have to eat, sleep, and work. BUT we all know what I am truly talking about. We are designed to be in relationship with God. FULLY. Daily. Without ceasing and without demoting Him when something else catches our fancy. If some of my girlfriends talked about Jesus the way they do about their boyfriends (ahhh, new love...hey, I've been that way too) then thousands of lost souls would come to Christ! Why are so many other things taking God's place in our lives? No one is immune to this. Certainly not me.

I am in love. Deeply. God is my life source. My life line. My life. I want to reflect that in my words, my actions, my behaviors, in the activities I choose to do or the ones I choose to eliminate. I want to choose Him over all else. I want Him to never be jealous of anything else in my life that may seem to take precedence.

Who/what does my life reflect that I love most? What does your life reflect as your BIGGEST love??? Something to think about.

Love-Pain

Consequences. Does that word evoke good feelings within you? Me either. Yet, they've been a life-line to me. Consequences when "learned from" bring correction to behavior that is harmful. I know the power and effectiveness of consequences in my life. They started from my parents when I was a child and today they are provided by life and are allowed by my God.

As much as my God loves me and protects me, He does not shield me from the consequences of my actions and choices. Why not??? He forgives and He loves me, but why let me get burned and endure painful things? Well, it is because He loves me. Real love isn't always keeping the other person "pain free". Many of life's most valuable lessons are only learned when pain is involved. At least that is my perspective.

There have been many consequences I have suffered in life. Many as a child and many as an adult. Some consequences never go away, they stay with you as a reminder. Those are tough...but WOW, are they effective!

I have a two and a half year old. She is at the age and stage where she is testing the waters, as every child does. She is learning. She is developing an understanding of what is acceptable and what is not. She is observing what gets rise out of people and what doesn't. She is learning how to interact with others every day in a more and more complex way. This is challenging for a parent. She is not one of those quiet, shy, reserved little ones. She is bursting at the seams with personality, excitement, and strong will. She is a blast and is a strong leader already. I LOVE that about her, but that is also very challenging for me. But because I love her I have to allow her to experience the consequences of her behaviors. How else will she truly learn? It isn't going to happen because I tell her if you do this, then this will happen. Talking about it, is good, but that ALONE, is futile. I know this. But talking about it coupled with quick and effective consequence creates IMPACT. She requires more "impact" than others. And while that impact is hard for me to administer as a mother, I do it anyway. Because I love her. I would rather be uncomfortable and have her learn how to behave and how to interact appropriately with those around her than to be comfortable and not discipline her and see/experience how disruptive her life becomes over the years--AND how unhappy that will make her and everyone around her. Sounds so logical and easy. Well, it is not. It is hard to be the bad guy. It is hard to lay down the law. It is hard to put a halt to bad behavior and create tears in the eyes of the little one that you so love. It is hard and painful. But it is required for her to learn and for her to grow and for her to be protected as she goes forward in life.

God feels the same way about us. He doesn't get a sick pleasure out of disciplining us or allowing us to experience the full impact of our consequences. It must be hard for Him too to see our tears and to witness our pain. But He loves us and like parents do, He does what is "hard" in order to help us grow and learn how to live in a way where we will endure less unnecessary pain and anguish as we learn. That is what we do for those we love. We allow the consequences in order to promote a better life, a fuller life, and more protected life. He is our father and He behaves as such.

Consequences, not the most cheerful word, but each consequence blesses us, and as we hopefully learn from them, we endure fewer and fewer of them. That's kind of the point really. It is the point when my little one experiences her consequences, the goal is by experiencing them NOW, she will have fewer of them down the road. That is what God wants for us too.

Thankfully, it is working that way in my life. Finally. I am thankful for it and I know God is glad too. He loves me and hates to see me hurting. So,we are both quite pleased with the results of my consequences. It's a beautiful thing!

The Booby-Prize?

I have so many things swirling around in my head that I'd like to write about but no one thing is jumping out as a top priority. Usually when I write it is because something is in me that HAS to come out. Right now I have a handful of things like that but not one of them is pushing and shoving and jumping to the front of the line. So I am left trying to sort out my thoughts and determine what I want/need to write first.

So here goes, I am just going to let the words flow, hopefully, from a divine source, instead of from me:

I went to church on Mother's Day with my parents. We attended their church. I really enjoyed seeing people I hadn't seen in many years. I enjoyed being with my parents. I enjoyed what the preacher spoke about. It has lingered with me since Sunday.

He simply presented the story of Leah.
Many times, Leah is more of a side-note than the focus of the story. Jacob LOVED her sister Rachel. If you read the story...it is a deep PASSION this man has for beautiful Rachel. He agreed to work 7 years for her father to get Rachel as his wife. Rachel was stunningly beautiful. Jacob would have done ANYTHING to be with Rachel. And he did. After those seven years of laboring for Rachel's father, he was married, but only to find that he was given the "wrong" sister. It was Leah, not Rachel. He did not want Leah. He wanted Rachel. He loved Rachel. He would do anything for Rachel. But Leah? Uh, no thanks! Rachel was the treasured prize, but Leah was the booby-prize. Imagine what it must have been like to be Leah. How must that have felt? Eventually Jacob was able to "obtain" Rachel as well. What a relief for Jacob. His true love. His beautiful one. The story goes on and on of Leah taking last place in her husband's eyes and heart. She bore him many children. But she grew closer to God along her journey. But always was the "unwanted" one. The scraps. Have any of you ever felt that way? Have you ever spent years desiring to be "seen" and "loved" by someone, only to feel invisible, unseen, and unwanted? I know many of us have. I know many readers here who have. I have. Many of my friends have. Whether it was a parent whose love you could never obtain, or a male or female you loved but were never loved in return. MANY of us know the pain and suffering of feeling "unwanted" and unseen. It is painful and sometimes can leave permanent damage.

But if you watch/read closely the story of Leah, she grew more content, closer to her God, and more and more accepting of her place in life. And God saw it! He knew. He saw what no one else could see. He saw the beauty in Leah. And He blessed her. Did you realize that it was through HER son Judah's lineage, that Christ came? She was also with whom Jacob, her husband, chose to be buried. Not with Rachel...which was actually a closer location at the time of his death than where Leah was buried. But he was buried with Leah. Perhaps even in the end Jacob finally saw her true value and depth and in death chose to be placed with her. But WOW, to be the mother of the lineage of Christ??? NOT Rachel...the beautiful one, but Leah the "unwanted".

God sees all that we are, all that we endure, all of the growth that happens in shoes like Leah's and He will bless us if we hold fast, remain faithful, and continue to draw near to Him. I think that in the end, I'd prefer to play the role of Leah. It's not an easy role, but the easy role is not always the most blessed, as this story so eloquently illustrates.

I've felt like Leah before in my life with people I deeply loved who never saw my true value and beauty and left me...unloved and unwanted. And it stung, it hurt, it damaged my heart. But God sees. HE knows. And He blesses me now and will continue blessing me down the road. That goes for each of you reading this who are walking or have walked in shoes like Leah's. Have faith. Remain steadfast. HE SEES YOU! And He WILL bless you in His way and in His time.

Unsettled

I am unsettled. Am I the only one who gets this way from time to time? Not just in general, but spiritually speaking?

I am not sure, but I think that when this happens it is a stirring from the Holy Spirit. He/It (whatever we call it) never allows me to get too comfortable where I am spiritually. That's a good thing. We should always be growing. We should never be satisfied with the status quo. That's the place I currently find myself. I know that God expects more of me. I know He blessed me with more than I am using. I'd say at least twice a year, sometimes more, I come to these spiritual places in my life where I know He is trying to get my attention and use me or change me in some way. My path usually begins changing during these times. Sometimes that is a visible/tangible change, sometimes it is all completely internal.

This time, I don't know yet what will transpire. I just feel an intense stirring within my soul that He wants more from me right now. I don't know what that means, how it should be fleshed out, or what kind of changes that means. When I don't know where things are going, I feel unsettled. I really deplore that feeling. I like the KNOWN. I am super uncomfortable with the UNKNOWN. But yet again, that is where I find myself.

I don't really know what the point of this post is, or what the purpose of sharing that with you all is exactly, other than to perhaps request your prayers for His will for this time in my life to be revealed in crystal clarity. I SOOO want to live my life exactly as me wants me to. I want to know what He desires from me. I want to exceed His expectations. Please pray that I am open, receptive, and ready to go wherever He is leading this time around.

I am apprehensive, unsettled, and yet excited, because I know every time He has stirred me, it turns out to be an awesome experience once it begins to take shape and blossoms into what He had desired.

Do you guys have these biannual, quarterly, monthly, weekly, whatever they are...life-changing, pull the rug out from beneath you times where God is pulling you into new territory?? If you do, is it as exciting and tumultuous as it is for me? If you don't...maybe you should adjust your antennae and receptors. His plan for you/His will for you will not allow you to stagnate or become complacent or comfortable. That is just His way... Watch for Him, be quiet enough to hear His call, be open enough to sense Him tugging at you. He will. Then follow where He leads, even if it is unsettling and new. It will amaze you where He will take you if you let go and hold on tightly to Him as He leads you down His path...wherever new territory it may lead you to.

Recovery: Update

Who'd have thought this would be so hard? I guess if I had got online and really researched this I would have had a better idea of what to expect. But I'd have just thought all of those people were weenie's. Just being honest. But here's the deal: getting your tonsils out as an adult is really really difficult. Not whining, just stating the facts.
I am coming along, very thankful for my pain medication and thankful for my family and friends and their kindness and prayers.
I'd have lost my mind without both the meds and my loved ones.
The swelling has gone done enough to where breathing isn't a scary challenge anymore and I am not fearful of suffocating in my sleep. Whew!
The pain is now managed for the most by the medication...mostly. Until I try to swallow something. YIKES!!!
I hope to go back to work tomorrow...maybe a half day or something. Not sure yet. Depends on many things. Driving/pain meds/strength/etc.
Hey, this surgery has proven to be an effective dieting tool. LOL. Lost six pounds in one week. Lovely.
Anyway, I am still alive, but still recovering. Sigh. Time and patience and lots of prayer and a few more days of this and I should be coming out of it! Woo hoo!
Someday I will be so glad I did this...today is not that day.
Love you all.

Prayer Request

Just a quick request for prayers. I am having surgery tomorrow morning to have my tonsils removed. I am a bit nervous. I know it will all be OK, but prayers are welcomed and certainly appreciated for it to go smoothly and for a speedy recovery.

Thanks you guys!!
C

Unzipping YOU

All of the things we have experienced in our lives help us to determine what God has called us to do. Each of us are "called" and have a very specific purpose designed by God. But what is YOUR calling/purpose? Sometimes it's easier to float along and see what happens than to seek out your purpose. Some say, "I have no idea what God's calling is for my life," yet they don't go any further than that statement in figuring it out. But He has given us each gifts, talents, passions, and specific life experiences which all lead to what He called each of us to do individually.

Why are we content to just float along on the breeze? I don't want to stand face to face with God as He "unzips" His creation called Carlotta, to show me all of the things that He purposefully placed within me to use for His kingdom, only to discover those things were UNUSED. I don't want to Him to show me how He intricately designed me for a very specific purpose and I never made the effort to discover what that was and it simply went unaccomplished. I am here in this time and place for a divine purpose. You are too. Do you know what your calling or your specific purpose is?? You have one. Each and every person does. How many people do you think are living theirs out, fully?? Of the few that are, do you think they are because they just are out there floating on the breeze of life or do you think they took a deeper look? God wired you the way He did for a reason. God allowed circumstances in your life for a purpose. God instilled certain gifts and talents and passions within you for His divine plan. What are you actively doing with your wiring, your gifts, your experiences? They are all meant to be used for His glory.

I am in active pursuit of what exactly God designed for me to be doing in this life for Him. This life isn't about me. It's not about you. It is about HIM. I've got to stop seeing me and my plans and my selfishness and seek His plans, His goals, and His divine purpose for Carlotta. He took the effort to design a purpose and a plan for me to impact His kingdom. He didn't do that because He was bored and didn't have anything else going on. He did it because there are certain ways that only I can impact this world! Did you read that? There is only one Carlotta. Thus, there are ways that no one else can impact this world for Him, but ME. The same is true of YOU. And if you don't discover His purpose for you, those things will go UNDONE. I don't want that to happen. I'm sure you don't either.

Take some time to evaluate your wiring, your skills, your gifts, and your past experiences. They are all a part of His intricate design for your purpose. There are things that you are passionate about. Why? God placed that within you!!! These things are not mere coincidence. They are purposefully placed inside of you to help you discover your calling and your purpose. They are not random pieces to an insignificant puzzle. They are divine pieces of an eternal plan. Actively pursue the discovery of your purpose and then jump in and live it with all that you are!

(Here's a great resource book: Chazown by Craig Groeschel)

That's Why That's In There...

"You give and take away. Blessed be Your Name!" Job 1:21
That is scripture. That is also a verse in one of my favorite songs. I am finding it easier to live that out as situations arise and I somehow live through each of them and find myself blessed at the end of each one.

"My Father! If it is possible, let this cup of suffering be taken away from Me. Yet I want Your will to be done. Not mine." Matthew 26:39

How many times have we read the "story" of Jesus' life? First, it is more than a story. It occurred. Second, it seems the content of His prayer to His Father just before His capture and death doesn't get as much attention as it could/should. (Matt 26:39) His prayer reflects His humanness. He is SO real. Just like you and me. Truly. He isn't exactly excited about being crucified. He goes to His father and basically says, 'Please if there is ANY OTHER WAY, let's do that! But, Your will be done.' It's the second part of that statement, that gets the most attention, but the first part endears Him even more to me because it reminds me how human He really was. He was a man, flesh and blood. He didn't want to have to go through that horrific ordeal. I wouldn't either. I cannot fathom KNOWING that was GOING TO happen to me. Crucifixions were gruesome and gory. Human mutilation and torture--pure and simple. I know how I get when I know something unpleasant is coming my way...it drives me nuts! But I've never seen gruesome and gory coming for me. But just like the rest of us, He asks God to take that away from Him. He wanted whatever could be done differently, to be done differently if that was at all possible. I would too. I'd have begged and pleaded. I'd have come up with my own ideas and alternatives. ANYTHING but THAT! I am sure Jesus felt that way too, as the human He was. But then, we get our example and model: "But YOUR will be done". (Sigh.) He knew. He knew there was no other way.

Of all the things in scripture that help me to know and believe that He understands me and that He knows and fully understands what it is like to be here and to be truly scared and to be prayerful that things go a different way than they are...any other way, it is that prayer! HE GETS IT!!!!
Thank you God for putting that scripture into Your Word. I need it to be there.

He understands...more than anyone. He has been there and He's been through much worse. But He trusted in God's authority and plan. He knew that as hard as it would be, that God was in control and that it would certainly be worth the pain and anguish. That understanding is transferable to us too. Think about it.